zeroshark
bury me
- Nov 1, 2018
- 42
i attempted via night-night on morning of the 9th. i remember a feeling of panic and then being woken up by my mirror falling on top of me as my dad banged down my door. one ambulance ride and 21 forced days of inpatient hospitalization later and i'm as suicidal as ever.
i'm pretty sure i fucked it up and was constricting jugulars rather than carotids, because when i saw myself in the hospital the first thing i noticed was the whites of my eyes were full of blood, no white visible at all (mostly cleared up now, not entirely.) not sure it would have mattered either way though, since i was stupid enough to attempt with my family at home.
i regret my attempt failing and plan on attempting again, although i haven't made a decision on method. inpatient "therapy" was a fucking horrific experience; 21 days of being abused by narcissistic staff on a power trip (+directly sexually abused by one nurse) and watching minorly suicidal people float in and out while the miserable people who've been trapped there for 3+ months get held down and sedated for self-harming every two days.
this was my first serious hospitalization after years of attempts; i still want to die but i'm terrified of another failure + repeat of this experience.
moral of the story: don't try to ctb where you can be found, and inpatient is terrible.
i'm pretty sure i fucked it up and was constricting jugulars rather than carotids, because when i saw myself in the hospital the first thing i noticed was the whites of my eyes were full of blood, no white visible at all (mostly cleared up now, not entirely.) not sure it would have mattered either way though, since i was stupid enough to attempt with my family at home.
i regret my attempt failing and plan on attempting again, although i haven't made a decision on method. inpatient "therapy" was a fucking horrific experience; 21 days of being abused by narcissistic staff on a power trip (+directly sexually abused by one nurse) and watching minorly suicidal people float in and out while the miserable people who've been trapped there for 3+ months get held down and sedated for self-harming every two days.
this was my first serious hospitalization after years of attempts; i still want to die but i'm terrified of another failure + repeat of this experience.
moral of the story: don't try to ctb where you can be found, and inpatient is terrible.
