Yes I really do hope this is my final year.
When I drank I begged god to end my life, after some years clean and sober I realise I'm still begging to die, I don't know why I can't fix myself or get fixed.
I recall at the lowest point in my life the football team I'm watching now, different personnel of course, laughed at me as I fell up a stationary escalator at a railway station because I was drunk leaving work, it still hurts but it was deserved, I was always drunk.
I've got great people around me who've forgiven my many transgressions, there are still those who never will and I understand and accept that, I've had great help from professionals who really do care.
I gained a degree in 2021 and went on to the next level and I'm writing assignments and putting myself under extreme pressure to hand in on time and get a good mark, for what? If my plan is correct then this September is my final month and it'll count for nought.
I wonder if deep down the hope of death is all I'll ever get, I've made attempts before, not the cry for help attempts but the real thing. I feel as though I'm living in some twilight grey area where I'll never leave, punishing myself for all I've done by undermining my own feelings and everyday making myself feel worthless so I won't even try to live.
Yes I hope this is the year this brokenness is taken away for good.
I hope everyone can find what they need this New Year 2022, best wishes to all.
