J
JoJo440
New Member
- Dec 13, 2020
- 4
Hello everyone, my name ...I guess you can call me jojo. Forgive me as I am about to dive right into it.
My very first thought of suicide was around 9-10 (don't remember how serious I was) then some years later (12) I started to notice my behavior didn't match my classmates. "Fuck I'm not right in the head" I remember the moment I realized. I was young and thought that I could keep it to myself and overcome mental illness' (I know ...how foolish to think I would outsmart my own self) moving on from this point I realize it's hard to release dopamine and or serotonin through out my life ...so I started using drugs and got kicked out of school for it. I'm now starting high school and my parents have no idea what is going on inside of my head, other than maybe just a little quiet. The new school made me feel strange and over powered...it never left me(I later found out I had severe anxiety) I suffered through out high school fighting battles in my own head,self medicating to be numb to depression and anxiety or even some euphoria if I was lucky. I graduate high school,but my family is fucking DISGUSTED with me... how emotionless, lonely and dark I have been... I come clean and get tested for my mental,and as suspected severe depression and anxiety. My parents are understanding, but I wish i never told them sometimes. I am 18 at this point and I refuse medication because (I'm a big man, I can handle this) ...fucking fool. Things get FUCKING DARK, I put my 12 gauge in my mouth cocked it, and immediately thought what the wall behind me would look like, who that wall belonged to,and how broken the owner's of that wall would be for the rest of their lives if they saw their only son in pieces. I'm so fucking selfish...my father watched his dad die at age four, next to his little brother. That same brother dies 30 something years later in a car crash and had to make the call to pull the plug in the hospital. 4 years later I'm born and named after his brother. I was named after such a great man, and all I do is disgrace his name with my presence. I decided I would stay and suffer for as long as possible (this meant medicating more) two years go by, I'm typing this 2 days sober so I know my intentions are not tainted when final decision is made, I'm about to make the 2 hour drive to send that 9mm hallow point I hid out there a few months ago.you maybe wondering why is this the end? My parents seem to have given up on me (rightfully so, i gave up long ago) ,but what hurt the most is watching them stop loving me. My father has a son figure he mentors and he's everything my father wanted in a son. This makes me happy because once I'm gone it's like they can have the real deal family feel. I'm sick of the lonely birthdays, the empty Christmas, and worst of all knowing I threw my parents love in the garbage because I thought I was strong enough to beat mental illness which overcame me and controlled my actions almost 85-90 percent of the time.
Mom, dad ...if you ever read this, I would do it all differently, but I'm sure that means nothing to you. I'm sorry for the (so called) man I have become. I'm sorry i never had the controls, I'm sorry by the time you found out it was too late. I'm sorry I let you down every chance I got. You deserved so much better than me. Please guys I beg of you to not remember me as this monster, but as the two dimpled jo-bones you saw brightness in. I from the bottom of what's left of my heart, love you and appreciate everything you ever did for me, I couldn't have asked for better parents.
Love , Joe Bones
My very first thought of suicide was around 9-10 (don't remember how serious I was) then some years later (12) I started to notice my behavior didn't match my classmates. "Fuck I'm not right in the head" I remember the moment I realized. I was young and thought that I could keep it to myself and overcome mental illness' (I know ...how foolish to think I would outsmart my own self) moving on from this point I realize it's hard to release dopamine and or serotonin through out my life ...so I started using drugs and got kicked out of school for it. I'm now starting high school and my parents have no idea what is going on inside of my head, other than maybe just a little quiet. The new school made me feel strange and over powered...it never left me(I later found out I had severe anxiety) I suffered through out high school fighting battles in my own head,self medicating to be numb to depression and anxiety or even some euphoria if I was lucky. I graduate high school,but my family is fucking DISGUSTED with me... how emotionless, lonely and dark I have been... I come clean and get tested for my mental,and as suspected severe depression and anxiety. My parents are understanding, but I wish i never told them sometimes. I am 18 at this point and I refuse medication because (I'm a big man, I can handle this) ...fucking fool. Things get FUCKING DARK, I put my 12 gauge in my mouth cocked it, and immediately thought what the wall behind me would look like, who that wall belonged to,and how broken the owner's of that wall would be for the rest of their lives if they saw their only son in pieces. I'm so fucking selfish...my father watched his dad die at age four, next to his little brother. That same brother dies 30 something years later in a car crash and had to make the call to pull the plug in the hospital. 4 years later I'm born and named after his brother. I was named after such a great man, and all I do is disgrace his name with my presence. I decided I would stay and suffer for as long as possible (this meant medicating more) two years go by, I'm typing this 2 days sober so I know my intentions are not tainted when final decision is made, I'm about to make the 2 hour drive to send that 9mm hallow point I hid out there a few months ago.you maybe wondering why is this the end? My parents seem to have given up on me (rightfully so, i gave up long ago) ,but what hurt the most is watching them stop loving me. My father has a son figure he mentors and he's everything my father wanted in a son. This makes me happy because once I'm gone it's like they can have the real deal family feel. I'm sick of the lonely birthdays, the empty Christmas, and worst of all knowing I threw my parents love in the garbage because I thought I was strong enough to beat mental illness which overcame me and controlled my actions almost 85-90 percent of the time.
Mom, dad ...if you ever read this, I would do it all differently, but I'm sure that means nothing to you. I'm sorry for the (so called) man I have become. I'm sorry i never had the controls, I'm sorry by the time you found out it was too late. I'm sorry I let you down every chance I got. You deserved so much better than me. Please guys I beg of you to not remember me as this monster, but as the two dimpled jo-bones you saw brightness in. I from the bottom of what's left of my heart, love you and appreciate everything you ever did for me, I couldn't have asked for better parents.
Love , Joe Bones