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JoJo440

New Member
Dec 13, 2020
4
Hello everyone, my name ...I guess you can call me jojo. Forgive me as I am about to dive right into it.
My very first thought of suicide was around 9-10 (don't remember how serious I was) then some years later (12) I started to notice my behavior didn't match my classmates. "Fuck I'm not right in the head" I remember the moment I realized. I was young and thought that I could keep it to myself and overcome mental illness' (I know ...how foolish to think I would outsmart my own self) moving on from this point I realize it's hard to release dopamine and or serotonin through out my life ...so I started using drugs and got kicked out of school for it. I'm now starting high school and my parents have no idea what is going on inside of my head, other than maybe just a little quiet. The new school made me feel strange and over powered...it never left me(I later found out I had severe anxiety) I suffered through out high school fighting battles in my own head,self medicating to be numb to depression and anxiety or even some euphoria if I was lucky. I graduate high school,but my family is fucking DISGUSTED with me... how emotionless, lonely and dark I have been... I come clean and get tested for my mental,and as suspected severe depression and anxiety. My parents are understanding, but I wish i never told them sometimes. I am 18 at this point and I refuse medication because (I'm a big man, I can handle this) ...fucking fool. Things get FUCKING DARK, I put my 12 gauge in my mouth cocked it, and immediately thought what the wall behind me would look like, who that wall belonged to,and how broken the owner's of that wall would be for the rest of their lives if they saw their only son in pieces. I'm so fucking selfish...my father watched his dad die at age four, next to his little brother. That same brother dies 30 something years later in a car crash and had to make the call to pull the plug in the hospital. 4 years later I'm born and named after his brother. I was named after such a great man, and all I do is disgrace his name with my presence. I decided I would stay and suffer for as long as possible (this meant medicating more) two years go by, I'm typing this 2 days sober so I know my intentions are not tainted when final decision is made, I'm about to make the 2 hour drive to send that 9mm hallow point I hid out there a few months ago.you maybe wondering why is this the end? My parents seem to have given up on me (rightfully so, i gave up long ago) ,but what hurt the most is watching them stop loving me. My father has a son figure he mentors and he's everything my father wanted in a son. This makes me happy because once I'm gone it's like they can have the real deal family feel. I'm sick of the lonely birthdays, the empty Christmas, and worst of all knowing I threw my parents love in the garbage because I thought I was strong enough to beat mental illness which overcame me and controlled my actions almost 85-90 percent of the time.
Mom, dad ...if you ever read this, I would do it all differently, but I'm sure that means nothing to you. I'm sorry for the (so called) man I have become. I'm sorry i never had the controls, I'm sorry by the time you found out it was too late. I'm sorry I let you down every chance I got. You deserved so much better than me. Please guys I beg of you to not remember me as this monster, but as the two dimpled jo-bones you saw brightness in. I from the bottom of what's left of my heart, love you and appreciate everything you ever did for me, I couldn't have asked for better parents.
Love , Joe Bones
 
Wrennie

Wrennie

-
Dec 18, 2019
1,559
Welcome to the forums! I hope that your stay provides you with some comfort and a semblance of relief from your pain. I am so sorry that you were driven to a point where you even had to discover this place, but we're all here for you and will try to help in any way that we can. :heart:
 
KleinerWolf

KleinerWolf

Account Wipe.
Apr 30, 2020
2,700
Hello everyone, my name ...I guess you can call me jojo. Forgive me as I am about to dive right into it.
My very first thought of suicide was around 9-10 (don't remember how serious I was) then some years later (12) I started to notice my behavior didn't match my classmates. "Fuck I'm not right in the head" I remember the moment I realized. I was young and thought that I could keep it to myself and overcome mental illness' (I know ...how foolish to think I would outsmart my own self) moving on from this point I realize it's hard to release dopamine and or serotonin through out my life ...so I started using drugs and got kicked out of school for it. I'm now starting high school and my parents have no idea what is going on inside of my head, other than maybe just a little quiet. The new school made me feel strange and over powered...it never left me(I later found out I had severe anxiety) I suffered through out high school fighting battles in my own head,self medicating to be numb to depression and anxiety or even some euphoria if I was lucky. I graduate high school,but my family is fucking DISGUSTED with me... how emotionless, lonely and dark I have been... I come clean and get tested for my mental,and as suspected severe depression and anxiety. My parents are understanding, but I wish i never told them sometimes. I am 18 at this point and I refuse medication because (I'm a big man, I can handle this) ...fucking fool. Things get FUCKING DARK, I put my 12 gauge in my mouth cocked it, and immediately thought what the wall behind me would look like, who that wall belonged to,and how broken the owner's of that wall would be for the rest of their lives if they saw their only son in pieces. I'm so fucking selfish...my father watched his dad die at age four, next to his little brother. That same brother dies 30 something years later in a car crash and had to make the call to pull the plug in the hospital. 4 years later I'm born and named after his brother. I was named after such a great man, and all I do is disgrace his name with my presence. I decided I would stay and suffer for as long as possible (this meant medicating more) two years go by, I'm typing this 2 days sober so I know my intentions are not tainted when final decision is made, I'm about to make the 2 hour drive to send that 9mm hallow point I hid out there a few months ago.you maybe wondering why is this the end? My parents seem to have given up on me (rightfully so, i gave up long ago) ,but what hurt the most is watching them stop loving me. My father has a son figure he mentors and he's everything my father wanted in a son. This makes me happy because once I'm gone it's like they can have the real deal family feel. I'm sick of the lonely birthdays, the empty Christmas, and worst of all knowing I threw my parents love in the garbage because I thought I was strong enough to beat mental illness which overcame me and controlled my actions almost 85-90 percent of the time.
Mom, dad ...if you ever read this, I would do it all differently, but I'm sure that means nothing to you. I'm sorry for the (so called) man I have become. I'm sorry i never had the controls, I'm sorry by the time you found out it was too late. I'm sorry I let you down every chance I got. You deserved so much better than me. Please guys I beg of you to not remember me as this monster, but as the two dimpled jo-bones you saw brightness in. I from the bottom of what's left of my heart, love you and appreciate everything you ever did for me, I couldn't have asked for better parents.
Love , Joe Bones
Sorry to hear you have been struggling.
have you benefited from any counselling or medication if you were able to do so?

Im not downplaying your mental health struggles since I have been experienc depression, anxiety for approximately 10 years like you do.

I feel your pain but

do you think there is something that has the potential to change the outcome of your current situation?

Is there any particular reason causing you to feel so strongly about suicide at this time?
 
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J

JoJo440

New Member
Dec 13, 2020
4
Sorry to hear you have been struggling.
have you benefited from any counselling or medication if you were able to do so?

Im not downplaying your mental health struggles since I have been experienc depression, anxiety for approximately 10 years like you do.

I feel your pain but

do you think there is something that has the potential to change the outcome of your current situation?

Is there any particular reason you to feel so strongly about suicide at this time?
Hi, I'm sorry to hear we're in the same hell...I have went to counseling for about two weeks when I was 18 but my jaw was wired shut and seemed almost pointless and never went back, I think about trying to talk to someone every day, but it makes me feel vulnerable and like a burden. I guess I feel so strongly now because I'm in one of the "back against the wall" type deal where this would be beneficial for all parties involved. I'm just too tired to fight anymore.
 
KleinerWolf

KleinerWolf

Account Wipe.
Apr 30, 2020
2,700
I
Hi, I'm sorry to hear we're in the same hell...I have went to counseling for about two weeks when I was 18 but my jaw was wired shut and seemed almost pointless and never went back, I think about trying to talk to someone every day, but it makes me feel vulnerable and like a burden. I guess I feel so strongly now because I'm in one of the "back against the wall" type deal where this would be beneficial for all parties involved. I'm just too tired to fight anymore.
I understand,
I only attended some handful of sessions at first to explain my problems and was able to receive diagnosis on some of the symptoms I have, depression anxiety and ocd.

I received some medication and counselling at the time but learnt some minor coping skills and was able to look at things in a slightly different perspective at the time which did help me somewhat to graduate from my school and ease how I feel towards things.

It's a bit troublesome for me because some of my problems are circumstantial related to immigrating to another country and a lot of practical struggle related to it, so I later did not find counselling/medication super helpful beyond that point.

But I was also not very comfortable at first when I went to counselling, but it's just important that we do our best, open up and talk about feelings and things that triggers us, so that we able to pinpoint them and better manage them. It's like we have to put a decent amount of effort first and see how it goes.

2 sessions were a good start, I don't know about you, but I just thought you have a lot of potential that would be otherwise wasted if you decide to go with suicide instead of dissecting things and see what the problem is.

I think that mental Health problems tend to build up overtime, so it's good we deal with it head-on when we feel bothered by it, a good psychologist/counsellor is usually able to help us troubleshoot. I think it could potentially benefit you if you are willing to test it out.
 
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JoJo440

New Member
Dec 13, 2020
4
I

I understand,
I only attended some handful of sessions at first to explain my problems and was able to receive diagnosis on some of the symptoms I have, depression anxiety and ocd.

I received some medication and counselling at the time but learnt some minor coping skills and was able to look at things in a slightly different perspective at the time which did help me somewhat to graduate from my school and ease how I feel towards things.

It's a bit troublesome for me because some of my problems are circumstantial related to immigrating to another country and a lot of practical struggle related to it, so I later did not find counselling/medication super helpful beyond that point.

But I was also not very comfortable at first when I went to counselling, but it's just important that we do our best, open up and talk about feelings and things that triggers us, so that we able to pinpoint them and better manage them. It's like we have to put a decent amount of effort first and see how it goes.

2 sessions were a good start, I don't know about you, but I just thought you have a lot of potential that would be otherwise wasted if you decide to go with suicide instead of dissecting things and see what the problem is.
Maybe I'll call to get referred again, thank you for being such a kind human. I want to leave this floating rock inflicting the least amount of damage.
 
KleinerWolf

KleinerWolf

Account Wipe.
Apr 30, 2020
2,700
Maybe I'll call to get referred again, thank you for being such a kind human. I want to leave this floating rock inflicting the least amount of damage.
I know you weren't feeling so well when I read your suicide notes earlier,
But I just feel it's a little premature before you exhaust the resources out there that could potentially be helpful.

It's scary at first but you don't know until you give it a go.
Sometimes a new perspective is all you may need,
even if you have anxiety or depression, we can work with that, no problem.

Do make sure you find a good therapist that you are willing to build trust with. I suppose that's kinda important at first.

I'm sure you'll be okay in the long run,
Sounds like your parents are certainly more than happy to provide you with the support you need.
Be mindful of refraining yourself from listening to your own ideas of how others may feel about you because I do that sometimes but they tend to be untrue.

Don't panic, express how you feel, address the issues, and you'll eventually be back on track in life. Believe in yourself that you can overcome these obstacles. I trust that you will make your family proud.

For now take it easy, and deal with the issues one step at a time. You'll be alright. :hug:
 
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