Venting 20 Day Countdown

[Mark_Anatoly]

God give me strength and luck.

Placed my order of SN today, from a local source. I'm a little confused, because it said 97 - 100 % purity, and apparently I need 98%. Will it still work if it's degenerated to 97%?

I'm scared, however, because I ordered antiemetics, and apparently you need a prescription for that. Then I mass emailed the company workers if I ought to pick it up or it will be sent to me. I have no prescription for Metoclopramide, and I gave out all of my information and more. Fuck.

I'm scared, because it's probably illegal doing this. Told my Mom to just cancel it if it arrives and they ask for a prescription, but my paranoid ass mind is asking if they will send the police instead. For context, I sourced my SN from the Philippines and (unfortunately) am Filipino. Does anyone know of the RAs regarding this? Is the penalty serious? (For fellow Filos)

If they send police, I'm killing myself instantly. I'm so scared of doing something illegal. Idk what the fuck will happen. I'm so scared.

These last days of my life are so heavy. I have to do so much schoolwork, I have to fucking put up with other peoples' drama, and I have to reconcile with my irreparable dignity and reputation, because other people ruined it for me. Am I that unlikeable? Hateable?

For fucks sake, I have so much talents. I'm a writer, man. I play guitar, I make music, I sing. I'm a good student, valedictorian, shit like that, etc. etc. But it all comes down to happiness, doesn't it? Such a small, untouchable thing as that. Fuck, man.

When have I ever been happy? Why haven't I ever been happy? Why do other people keep fucking up my life, why do they always do the worst things to me? What did I do to deserve this misery and suffering?

Do I not deserve to be happy?

Fuck.

Now it all comes down to one countdown, man. I pray to God it arrives. Please, let me die like this. Even without emetics, I'll try SN. If I get irreversible damage, so be it. But I need that fucking SN. If it's a scam, I don't want to but then it means I'll need to KMS using fucking night night. I'm scared of brain damage, but I'll have to do it anyways.

Please, God.

Just 20 days, and one successful shipping of 1KG SN. That's all I ask. God fucking damn this shit.

I'm so unstable and I'm so fucking desperate. I've been wishing to die since the new year came. Everything is depressing.

God, just fucking kill me already. Fuck.

 

[Mr.Black]

Holy shit... Bruv, if you're scared of your potential CTB circumstances, or even more, scared shitless that someone will find out about your plans and you'll CTB instantly, that's... sad. I can't stress it enough: don't do it if you're not at peace. The moment you feel your body breaking down, if you feel regret, your mind will go into overdrive, that'll potentially make it another traumatic experience if you survive. I'm speaking from experience, I don't wish it on any other living being.

Edit: Just another word of advice that came to my head. If you ever go through with your plans, be sober. When it comes to your question about anyone wondering why you ordered SN, I wouldn't worry about it. There are literally billions of people on the planet, more than a hundred million living in the PH. As long as you aren't on a watchlist due to being a criminal, or having connections to one's, then no one will bat an eye.

 

[Mark_Anatoly]

Holy shit... Bruv, if you're scared of your potential CTB circumstances, or even more, scared shitless that someone will find out about your plans and you'll CTB instantly, that's... sad. I can't stress it enough: don't do it if you're not at peace. The moment you feel your body breaking down, if you feel regret, your mind will go into overdrive, that'll potentially make it another traumatic experience if you survive. I'm speaking from experience, I don't wish it on any other living being.

Edit: Just another word of advice that came to my head. If you ever go through with your plans, be sober. When it comes to your question about anyone wondering why you ordered SN, I wouldn't worry about it. There are literally billions of people on the planet, more than a hundred million living in the PH. As long as you aren't on a watchlist due to being a criminal, or having connections to one's, then no one will bat an eye.

Thanks a lot for the concern, but I also know what it's like to try to CTB without peace. But my argument is that, it's precisely the reason why I wanna take my life. I've been attempting for 5 years now, noose everytime and strangulation, asphyxiation, stuff like that.

RN, I would be at peace if the SN arrives and it arrives completely. That's all I wish. Even without emetics, I'll do it. I bought tagamet online, hoping that'll decrease my stomach acidity levels. I'm also gonna buy cigarettes to decrease my appetite and not have to throw up. (In my experience, I only throw up when my stomach is heavy with food.)

But I'm still scared about the attempt, regardless. All these questions, yk? What if I fail, and stuff like that. Running through my head, constantly. My thoughts have barely been on my side, especially with all the criticisms I put on myself. But I know it'll be worth it, for me to try. Even if I get hospitalized, I think.

As for the illegality of SN... it's not what I mean with the prescription rant. It's that I ordered Metaclopramide, without prescription and unaware it needed one, gave all my information, and are now struggling to cancel and refund it and explain my situation, like a fucking clown. As of now, the seller hasn't replied, but I hope they don't send police here or anything. That's why I'm scared shitless.

Drugs are heavily monitored in the Philippines. IDK the penalty for attempted buying of prescription drugs, but I don't wanna suffer that.