SharkBiter
New Member
- Jan 22, 2026
- 2
Hi again. I posted the other day, and I really appreciated all of the responses I got. I don't really know how to phrase my replies and, truth being told, I am just anxious (lol), but I am truly appreciative.
I guess since abandoning my therapist and so forth, this has become a good outlet. Apologies in advance for typos, I don't read through these big word-vomits before I post them.
Today was exhausting. My grandmother was supposed to be released from the hospital today, but she's still too ill to come home. I received the news at work, and I started crying while taking this REALLY southern guy's order. Supposedly she is supposed to come home tomorrow, but I guess we'll see about that. I've been training for another position at my job (I wear many hats), and I totally suck at it. I was completely off today, especially after hearing about my grandmother.
My manager has been kind of prodding about my cuts. I am really not trying to bring attention to them, and I covered my arms in those big Band Aid patches (NOT CHEAP, BTW...) and OH MY FREAKING GOD. I mean, it wasn't that bad, but I felt really queasy. So basically, he asked if I put on another bandage (unsure why because this is my first time putting them on. I had 2 on one arm and 1 on another arm. I only really put them on the big spots with cuts.) and then he asked if I had a cat. Which, at the time, I thought was really random. Maybe he's giving me the benefit of the doubt, I dunno. I hope he genuinely thinks it's cat scratches, though. I cannot imagine sitting down with my manager and attempt to rationalize the cuts on my arm. I just don't want anyone to comment on it.
But also maybe I do? That thought has been lurking in my head ever since my middle school counselor said I was self-harming for attention. Really, I personally just feel it is a physical manifestation of something unseen. Same as one would get rashes or fevers with a cold. It's blatantly NOT healthy, I'll give everyone that, but I just don't want to stop. It's become something intimate and personal. Cutting myself has become a nightly ritual that makes me feel something again. I genuinely cannot recreate the same feeling anywhere else. I don't want this to come off as an endorsement of self-harm, this is just my rationale.
I dyed my hair today. I'm very purple. I'm thinking about getting my hair cut short - maybe like a pixie. I just want a change. I don't remember if I mentioned this in my last post, but I am planning on getting a tattoo. My family is very (very) religious, and tattoos are a big 'NO.' Frankly, I don't really care anymore. I've always wanted one, and I want to experience it before I die. I'm planning on doing something with Homura Akemi. I still need to go to the consultation. No idea how I will do that inconspicuously...
I'm working on signing up for the only gym in a 20 mile radius, lol. I don't have any money to be spending right now, but it wouldn't hurt to take a peek at the prices.
Seeing as I am already getting embarrassingly personal on here, I may as well go the full 9 (10??) yards (or however that saying goes).
I legit have never told anyone this in my LIFE. For a majority of my life, I have identified as a lesbian. I have found great comfort in that identity, and I feel it fits me very well. I have TRIED to be attracted to men (sorry guys) but I just can't.
But I can't tell if my new infatuation (but, like, less strong of a word) is some stupid crush, or if I am conflating that with the desire to be validated. I am also just nervous about experimenting with my sexuality, as I haven't really left my lesbian bubble since I tried dating this guy for like 2 days (sorry man) about 4 years ago. But also, it's my MANAGER. And I am ugly (it's true) and also a dumbass. I have to memorize our menu, it's been like 2 work-days since I started training, I've been studying outside of work (UNPAID, mind you...) and I act like a total fucking moron whenever I need to push the buttons. I literally fucked up this woman's change today. I almost gave her 60-something instead of 30-something. It's like my brain shuts off functioning.
I guess I, as I said before, just want a friend. My manager seems like a cool guy, I guess I would like to get to know him. I will try to make more friends. The girl who is training me for the new position is really nice and likes some of the things I like, but I am so awkward trying to talk about it. I noticed she has a Pokemon card in her phone case, and I like Pokemon. Oh my GOD I acted like it was my first day on planet fucking Earth. New inhabitant coming straight from fucking Venus! Oh, sorry, this one doesn't come with the FUNCTIONING PROGRAMING.
Also, I work at a place that is centered around a culture and its respective cuisine. I barely speak the language EVERYONE speaks. Like I know apple. I know yellow. I don't know how the fuck to say "Table 40 needs blah-blah." I've been looking for classes, and there's literally nothing. I'm trying to learn a specific dialect, but I couldn't find ANY dialect in a 30 mile radius. And I look so fucking stupid when people are speaking that language and everyone has to explain it to me. I am so mortified and embarrassed and I feel so bad. Like I will PAY THE MONEY for classes I am sincerely trying very hard. I will see if there are any classes in the towns about an hour away. I hate virtual stuff too, I just don't learn well that way.
Honorable mention: I can't hear very well, and everyone at my job speaks so freaking quiet. My manager was quizzing me on a menu item written in the language I don't speak, but I couldn't make out anything he was saying. Ok. Guys. He repeated it back to me in the most white-washed American accent I have ever heard. Humiliation ritual every time I go in. Like, okay fair, but man I am doing my best.
My dad also visited me today. He saw the cuts on my arms, and it wasn't a great conversation. I won't share more details than that, because writing about it is just about as draining as the actual conversation was.
I have work on Monday. I am kind of excited (?) to go in. I really like (most) of the people I work with, even if I don't really fit in. I feel like a miscut puzzle piece. Like I WANT to fit in. I dunno. I am excited to see my manager again, I hope we talk a little more.
I was going to self-harm after writing this, but I feel a little better. Maybe this will become my new ritual? We will have to see. Thanks for reading
I guess since abandoning my therapist and so forth, this has become a good outlet. Apologies in advance for typos, I don't read through these big word-vomits before I post them.
Today was exhausting. My grandmother was supposed to be released from the hospital today, but she's still too ill to come home. I received the news at work, and I started crying while taking this REALLY southern guy's order. Supposedly she is supposed to come home tomorrow, but I guess we'll see about that. I've been training for another position at my job (I wear many hats), and I totally suck at it. I was completely off today, especially after hearing about my grandmother.
My manager has been kind of prodding about my cuts. I am really not trying to bring attention to them, and I covered my arms in those big Band Aid patches (NOT CHEAP, BTW...) and OH MY FREAKING GOD. I mean, it wasn't that bad, but I felt really queasy. So basically, he asked if I put on another bandage (unsure why because this is my first time putting them on. I had 2 on one arm and 1 on another arm. I only really put them on the big spots with cuts.) and then he asked if I had a cat. Which, at the time, I thought was really random. Maybe he's giving me the benefit of the doubt, I dunno. I hope he genuinely thinks it's cat scratches, though. I cannot imagine sitting down with my manager and attempt to rationalize the cuts on my arm. I just don't want anyone to comment on it.
But also maybe I do? That thought has been lurking in my head ever since my middle school counselor said I was self-harming for attention. Really, I personally just feel it is a physical manifestation of something unseen. Same as one would get rashes or fevers with a cold. It's blatantly NOT healthy, I'll give everyone that, but I just don't want to stop. It's become something intimate and personal. Cutting myself has become a nightly ritual that makes me feel something again. I genuinely cannot recreate the same feeling anywhere else. I don't want this to come off as an endorsement of self-harm, this is just my rationale.
I dyed my hair today. I'm very purple. I'm thinking about getting my hair cut short - maybe like a pixie. I just want a change. I don't remember if I mentioned this in my last post, but I am planning on getting a tattoo. My family is very (very) religious, and tattoos are a big 'NO.' Frankly, I don't really care anymore. I've always wanted one, and I want to experience it before I die. I'm planning on doing something with Homura Akemi. I still need to go to the consultation. No idea how I will do that inconspicuously...
I'm working on signing up for the only gym in a 20 mile radius, lol. I don't have any money to be spending right now, but it wouldn't hurt to take a peek at the prices.
Seeing as I am already getting embarrassingly personal on here, I may as well go the full 9 (10??) yards (or however that saying goes).
I legit have never told anyone this in my LIFE. For a majority of my life, I have identified as a lesbian. I have found great comfort in that identity, and I feel it fits me very well. I have TRIED to be attracted to men (sorry guys) but I just can't.
But I can't tell if my new infatuation (but, like, less strong of a word) is some stupid crush, or if I am conflating that with the desire to be validated. I am also just nervous about experimenting with my sexuality, as I haven't really left my lesbian bubble since I tried dating this guy for like 2 days (sorry man) about 4 years ago. But also, it's my MANAGER. And I am ugly (it's true) and also a dumbass. I have to memorize our menu, it's been like 2 work-days since I started training, I've been studying outside of work (UNPAID, mind you...) and I act like a total fucking moron whenever I need to push the buttons. I literally fucked up this woman's change today. I almost gave her 60-something instead of 30-something. It's like my brain shuts off functioning.
I guess I, as I said before, just want a friend. My manager seems like a cool guy, I guess I would like to get to know him. I will try to make more friends. The girl who is training me for the new position is really nice and likes some of the things I like, but I am so awkward trying to talk about it. I noticed she has a Pokemon card in her phone case, and I like Pokemon. Oh my GOD I acted like it was my first day on planet fucking Earth. New inhabitant coming straight from fucking Venus! Oh, sorry, this one doesn't come with the FUNCTIONING PROGRAMING.
Also, I work at a place that is centered around a culture and its respective cuisine. I barely speak the language EVERYONE speaks. Like I know apple. I know yellow. I don't know how the fuck to say "Table 40 needs blah-blah." I've been looking for classes, and there's literally nothing. I'm trying to learn a specific dialect, but I couldn't find ANY dialect in a 30 mile radius. And I look so fucking stupid when people are speaking that language and everyone has to explain it to me. I am so mortified and embarrassed and I feel so bad. Like I will PAY THE MONEY for classes I am sincerely trying very hard. I will see if there are any classes in the towns about an hour away. I hate virtual stuff too, I just don't learn well that way.
Honorable mention: I can't hear very well, and everyone at my job speaks so freaking quiet. My manager was quizzing me on a menu item written in the language I don't speak, but I couldn't make out anything he was saying. Ok. Guys. He repeated it back to me in the most white-washed American accent I have ever heard. Humiliation ritual every time I go in. Like, okay fair, but man I am doing my best.
My dad also visited me today. He saw the cuts on my arms, and it wasn't a great conversation. I won't share more details than that, because writing about it is just about as draining as the actual conversation was.
I have work on Monday. I am kind of excited (?) to go in. I really like (most) of the people I work with, even if I don't really fit in. I feel like a miscut puzzle piece. Like I WANT to fit in. I dunno. I am excited to see my manager again, I hope we talk a little more.
I was going to self-harm after writing this, but I feel a little better. Maybe this will become my new ritual? We will have to see. Thanks for reading
