The time is almost here, court case where I testify as victim to vehicular assault is on the 27th. And I haven't been more certain that I'm ready to make this decision. I don't feel like retyping my previous posts, so if you'd like to follow my mini saga of shouting into the darkness feel free to read my past posts. I figured I would type again as one of my final thoughts since I drank enough that I finally got the courage to get over the fear of the wellness check and order the SN on priority mail. Tomorrow I will be going to Cabela's to purchase a 45 handgun as a backup.
The last couple days I've spent alone as usual. I've made some vague posts on Facebook about how quickly my life has crumbled around me again. I applied to some other companies in a faint hearted attempt to come up with some excuse that I don't want to escape this never ending bad luck streak I've had since birth, but nobody answers. They never do, cause they don't care. A good friend of mine was up the other day, and got me drunk enough that I opened up to him about how I was feeling in an alarming amount of detail. I have not heard from him since, until today he messaged me asking how I was doing. I said "I'm still breathing
". He did not open it nor reply. He's the last friend left from high school that hasn't completely abandoned me.
I always thought money could buy me some sort of happiness. I'm a frugal 26 year old truck driver, who has a Maserati in his driveway and 25k in his bank account with no credit debt. The few people that remain I spoil, because I love to make other people happy. Yet, all the people I held so dear in high school, and still today, haven't given me the time of day to talk to them since 2018. And the perplexing thing is that I don't know why, and needing to go to my grave accepting I will never know is crazy. I can message and offer to take them out places, do things with them, I go to public events I know they are at and I'm so friendly with them, only for the night to end and it feel like they had a facade the whole time. What did I do wrong?
I was talking to a girl I met, Isabelle, really beautiful and amazing, for a month or so now. We've gone on plenty of dates, had laughs, and what genuinely felt like a lot of fun together. Then 2 days ago I helped her jump her car and take it to a gas station, and she let some greaseball at a gas station get her number literally right next to me, and I haven't heard from her since. I feel so stupid, this happens to me every time. People always take advantage of me to see what they can get. They act so interested in me, let me learn so much about them while they learn about me, just for it all to have been "Let's just let him buy me dinner and fuck me" every fucking time. It's like I'm some kind of joke.
What happened to the good times?
When I was friends with everyone, and everyone wanted to be friends with me. When I used to go out, play music with my friends, bring the whole crowd back for drinks and drugs. We'd all exchange phone numbers and see each other at some point, one weekend until the next, and have really good times together. Those are gone it seems. Even the good friends I used to work with, who would call me every other day. Ever since I left the company it's like I never existed. I wish I could have those times again, but I'm clinging to straws thinking that's a possibility. I'm a truck driver. Nobody wants us, nobody needs us, everyone just wants to see how far they can push us and get us to give/do for them. It goes for the job, it does financially, it goes sexually. I wish I could turn back the clock over and over again to when I was a teen. That's what I want to focus on. I promise my next post will be positive, it has to be, because it may just be my last one. And I don't want to leave the world, or my print on this forum, on a bad note.
If you've made it to the end, thank you for listening. This is something I would normally just type to myself but I'm putting it here because it seems like people actually care here. Maybe that's why we are all on the way out, we are the only ones that care in a world that would never care about us.
The last couple days I've spent alone as usual. I've made some vague posts on Facebook about how quickly my life has crumbled around me again. I applied to some other companies in a faint hearted attempt to come up with some excuse that I don't want to escape this never ending bad luck streak I've had since birth, but nobody answers. They never do, cause they don't care. A good friend of mine was up the other day, and got me drunk enough that I opened up to him about how I was feeling in an alarming amount of detail. I have not heard from him since, until today he messaged me asking how I was doing. I said "I'm still breathing
". He did not open it nor reply. He's the last friend left from high school that hasn't completely abandoned me.I always thought money could buy me some sort of happiness. I'm a frugal 26 year old truck driver, who has a Maserati in his driveway and 25k in his bank account with no credit debt. The few people that remain I spoil, because I love to make other people happy. Yet, all the people I held so dear in high school, and still today, haven't given me the time of day to talk to them since 2018. And the perplexing thing is that I don't know why, and needing to go to my grave accepting I will never know is crazy. I can message and offer to take them out places, do things with them, I go to public events I know they are at and I'm so friendly with them, only for the night to end and it feel like they had a facade the whole time. What did I do wrong?
I was talking to a girl I met, Isabelle, really beautiful and amazing, for a month or so now. We've gone on plenty of dates, had laughs, and what genuinely felt like a lot of fun together. Then 2 days ago I helped her jump her car and take it to a gas station, and she let some greaseball at a gas station get her number literally right next to me, and I haven't heard from her since. I feel so stupid, this happens to me every time. People always take advantage of me to see what they can get. They act so interested in me, let me learn so much about them while they learn about me, just for it all to have been "Let's just let him buy me dinner and fuck me" every fucking time. It's like I'm some kind of joke.
What happened to the good times?
When I was friends with everyone, and everyone wanted to be friends with me. When I used to go out, play music with my friends, bring the whole crowd back for drinks and drugs. We'd all exchange phone numbers and see each other at some point, one weekend until the next, and have really good times together. Those are gone it seems. Even the good friends I used to work with, who would call me every other day. Ever since I left the company it's like I never existed. I wish I could have those times again, but I'm clinging to straws thinking that's a possibility. I'm a truck driver. Nobody wants us, nobody needs us, everyone just wants to see how far they can push us and get us to give/do for them. It goes for the job, it does financially, it goes sexually. I wish I could turn back the clock over and over again to when I was a teen. That's what I want to focus on. I promise my next post will be positive, it has to be, because it may just be my last one. And I don't want to leave the world, or my print on this forum, on a bad note.
If you've made it to the end, thank you for listening. This is something I would normally just type to myself but I'm putting it here because it seems like people actually care here. Maybe that's why we are all on the way out, we are the only ones that care in a world that would never care about us.
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