I'm ready. Drank painkiller (paracetamol 1000mg), antiemetic (olanzapine 20mg) and antacid. Just dissolving 25mg SN into 50ml of water and about to drink it.
Still feeling empty. I thought I was going to be excited when SN arrived. But no, I basically already killed myself and feel absolutely nothing. I thought I'd be scared of drinking olanzapine after everything it did to me when I was a child. Numbed my emotions, stole my ability to properly feel and think, ruined my metabolism and took away half of my energy. Horriffic to think such thing like antipsychotics exists and are legally prescribed. I can still remember my old self and after 9 years of constant fighting I have to acknowledge that I lost my battle. I tried very hard, but it's just impossible to fight against something that permanently damages your brain and metabolism without known antidote. From someone that entusiasticaly lived for whole life that's ahead of him and beyond to a full scale zombie that barely lives for the next day. I can't think of any right decision I made since they drugged me as a child. The only way to fix it so everything makes sense is to succed in this one. I wish everything was different, but it's like someone already wrote my life as a tragic story and made sure that everything ends up the worst way possible. I refuse to live as an anhedonic zombie, because I can still remember when I could properly sleep, feel the sun, the wind and sounds of nature. I was able to feel things like normal people do. I wish I had proper guideance to use my potential, but all I got was 20 people against me telling me they
Still feeling empty. I thought I was going to be excited when SN arrived. But no, I basically already killed myself and feel absolutely nothing. I thought I'd be scared of drinking olanzapine after everything it did to me when I was a child. Numbed my emotions, stole my ability to properly feel and think, ruined my metabolism and took away half of my energy. Horriffic to think such thing like antipsychotics exists and are legally prescribed. I can still remember my old self and after 9 years of constant fighting I have to acknowledge that I lost my battle. I tried very hard, but it's just impossible to fight against something that permanently damages your brain and metabolism without known antidote. From someone that entusiasticaly lived for whole life that's ahead of him and beyond to a full scale zombie that barely lives for the next day. I can't think of any right decision I made since they drugged me as a child. The only way to fix it so everything makes sense is to succed in this one. I wish everything was different, but it's like someone already wrote my life as a tragic story and made sure that everything ends up the worst way possible. I refuse to live as an anhedonic zombie, because I can still remember when I could properly sleep, feel the sun, the wind and sounds of nature. I was able to feel things like normal people do. I wish I had proper guideance to use my potential, but all I got was 20 people against me telling me they
