viljalauss
he/they 22
- Aug 22, 2023
- 178
long vent yet again i just needed to get this out.. not expecting advice or solutions. hugs are appreciated though
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mfw i don't even know if i want to ctb. at least not anytime soon. a lot of life sure doesn't appeal to me, but there's not gonna be another life where i can do laundry and taxes with my bf. maybe it's short-sighted of me, but i want it, even if just for a while.
not to sound overdramatic - and i'm not even overthinking it, it's true - i can't get out of my head the fact that if i want to live, and specifically not live absolutely miserable and hence non-functional, someone else (or more than one person) might well die, ctb when they otherwise wanted to live.
let me explain - and i've told this pathetic tale so many times.
i'm not allowed to transition. i've been threatened with death/harm to myself and those closest to me, social isolation. i feel bad saying the subject though it'll likely become clear. when my parents found out, one kept crying, refused to accept, nearly got irreversible damage in front of me (to this day idk if they read it), the other threatened.. this was two years ago but even now they're sending my sister daily mail fearmongering detransition articles. i know they've not changed.
one said (either if i left or anything happened to the family. details are hard, please just trust me here) they'd kill themselves. so that's on the cards. i don't doubt the other would either. even if not, they'd be really fucking devastated, and i have proof of this. what am i worth to put them through that (esp when they had to deal with my ed when i was younger)? absolutely nothing.
i estrange myself, i risk the above happening - pro-choice or anything, driving someone who wanted to live to suicide is absolutely, absolutely abhorrent. i come out again, i.. honestly still risk the above happening (if not suicide, then emotional devastation and them feeling like they failed)
i have considered detransitioning. then deconsidered it. and repeat. partly cause i'm horribly weak-willed and need something to hold on to, if not around them. partly because it wouldn't make much, or any, difference if i decided to detransition then retransition later; i'd still be facing the exact same dilemma just some years and further damage down the line. the mental pain of (re)closeting in itself is its own beast but it also means i'm too depressed to do or focus on anything meaningful at home, which has already been impacting my grades for quite a while but knowing now that to do the work i (probably) want to do after i will need to upskill i just don't think it's gonna fly.
and i can't wait till my parents die to transition. i just can't. i'm barely hanging in the balance now. again, horribly weak-willed but what can you do. maybe it'd be easier (?) if i hadn't realised or taken any steps to do so away from them but it's a bit late to think about that.
such is the risk. i don't want to be alive to see someone else close to me die. even if they threatened me even if i'm this scared of them even if being around them makes living so much harder i've been suicidal for so long in the first place and, while i could work my way out of it in the right conditions, i'm.. really not entitled to those conditions. me ctbing is the path of least resistance.
i don't know. maybe i'm being overdramatic thinking it's out of the ordinary to feel like you have no choice but to ctb.. like how do i think everyone else got here. i suppose it's just painful. working my way to a place where i can finally see a life i'd be content with on the horizon and winds pin my knees to the cliff edge. maybe i'll grieve for it. i don't know.
--
mfw i don't even know if i want to ctb. at least not anytime soon. a lot of life sure doesn't appeal to me, but there's not gonna be another life where i can do laundry and taxes with my bf. maybe it's short-sighted of me, but i want it, even if just for a while.
not to sound overdramatic - and i'm not even overthinking it, it's true - i can't get out of my head the fact that if i want to live, and specifically not live absolutely miserable and hence non-functional, someone else (or more than one person) might well die, ctb when they otherwise wanted to live.
let me explain - and i've told this pathetic tale so many times.
i'm not allowed to transition. i've been threatened with death/harm to myself and those closest to me, social isolation. i feel bad saying the subject though it'll likely become clear. when my parents found out, one kept crying, refused to accept, nearly got irreversible damage in front of me (to this day idk if they read it), the other threatened.. this was two years ago but even now they're sending my sister daily mail fearmongering detransition articles. i know they've not changed.
one said (either if i left or anything happened to the family. details are hard, please just trust me here) they'd kill themselves. so that's on the cards. i don't doubt the other would either. even if not, they'd be really fucking devastated, and i have proof of this. what am i worth to put them through that (esp when they had to deal with my ed when i was younger)? absolutely nothing.
i estrange myself, i risk the above happening - pro-choice or anything, driving someone who wanted to live to suicide is absolutely, absolutely abhorrent. i come out again, i.. honestly still risk the above happening (if not suicide, then emotional devastation and them feeling like they failed)
i have considered detransitioning. then deconsidered it. and repeat. partly cause i'm horribly weak-willed and need something to hold on to, if not around them. partly because it wouldn't make much, or any, difference if i decided to detransition then retransition later; i'd still be facing the exact same dilemma just some years and further damage down the line. the mental pain of (re)closeting in itself is its own beast but it also means i'm too depressed to do or focus on anything meaningful at home, which has already been impacting my grades for quite a while but knowing now that to do the work i (probably) want to do after i will need to upskill i just don't think it's gonna fly.
and i can't wait till my parents die to transition. i just can't. i'm barely hanging in the balance now. again, horribly weak-willed but what can you do. maybe it'd be easier (?) if i hadn't realised or taken any steps to do so away from them but it's a bit late to think about that.
such is the risk. i don't want to be alive to see someone else close to me die. even if they threatened me even if i'm this scared of them even if being around them makes living so much harder i've been suicidal for so long in the first place and, while i could work my way out of it in the right conditions, i'm.. really not entitled to those conditions. me ctbing is the path of least resistance.
i don't know. maybe i'm being overdramatic thinking it's out of the ordinary to feel like you have no choice but to ctb.. like how do i think everyone else got here. i suppose it's just painful. working my way to a place where i can finally see a life i'd be content with on the horizon and winds pin my knees to the cliff edge. maybe i'll grieve for it. i don't know.
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