Venting 12yrs of mental illness, only just beginning to genuinely consider CTB

[sadgirl112]

I've always self harmed, always suffered from mental illness and always been autistic. I've always had suicidal thoughts. But this is the first time I've genuinely considered CTB.

I have two methods/plans in mind.

I've realised recently in my first year living out of my family home and instead with my partner, that I simply cannot cope in the real world. Even letting people into my house is a problem. I lived without hot water or heating between October and December last year because I wouldn't let anyone in the house.

Everything hurts all the time. I feel nauseous all the time. I'm way less depressed than I used to be, Lamictal really helps and so does Valium, but it's also made me see things clearer. I can't carry on much longer.

I own a house, I'm somewhat attractive, I have a partner who loves me, I've almost got my degree, I have a nice family, dreams, hopes, ambitions. Yet this is the most fucked my head has ever been. The better things get, the worse things get.

I spend all my days diamond painting and making origami stars to stop the thoughts. I live on benefits and off my partner, who thankfully has money so I don't have t worry about it very much. MH services (incl crisis care) have done their very best to keep me out of hospital because they know for an autistic person, especially a woman, psychiatric wards would be hell.

I don't want the indignity of attempting and failing to be normal anymore, but I also don't want to give up and go into supported accommodation. I've been told I'm too naive, vulnerable and pretty and that I'd get eaten alive. It feels like it'll be time soon. I've tried to make my partner realise who I really am and how fucked up I am but he just won't leave. He is the final thread left when it comes to cutting off everyone who loves me/allowing them to expect that I'll CTB eventually.

Thanks for reading, I guess.

 

[Linda]

Have you tried making a list of the things you can do well. Can you build a life for yourself by focusing on those and exploiting the skills that you do have? (It's the old advice about "playing to your strengths".) Might it be possible, by doing that, to get enough out of life to make it worth continuing to live? Your problems wouldn't go away, but might you be able to bring enough positives into your life to offset them?
If you're sure that isn't going to work, then ctb might be the way forward. But it's not something you should rush into. Spend some time thinking through your options carefully.