...my "little" brother J died by suicide. I am what we call a survivor of suicide loss.
J lived in another state. He was struggling with a physical illness for 12 years. He was isolated, had some anxiety (which was apparently getting worse), and wasn't sleeping. I didn't really understand how bad it had become for him. I had visited with him ~2 months prior and I didn't suspect that he would want to end his life (but much of our visit had focused on helping our other brother). I spoke with him on the phone every 2-4 weeks. His best friend (who unfortunately lived on the other side of the country) spoke with him 3 days prior and also didn't suspect anything.
J's body was there for 2 weeks before my other brother and I realized we needed to get the police to do a well check. When the coroner's office investigator called me he said he thought J had drank mixed medications. The coroner noted toxic ingestion of medications/chemicals. After 2 weeks of bodily decay the toxicology report didn't show much. It was too late to confirm benzodiazepines (that I know he had) and sodium nitrite (which was suspected by the medical examiner). One of the only things that showed in J's liver was Ondansetron (anti-nausea med). I'm assuming he took SN, the anti-nausea med, and mixed benzos.
J and I were different but I loved my "little" brother. We were on opposite ends of the political spectrum, we had very different tastes in music, but we worked well together when our parents needed us (they died in 2018). We were co-trustees for our other brother's special needs trust. We could always carry on a conversation. We enjoyed each other's company when we were together. We were not together enough recently and I regret it.
I'm not angry with J, I understand why he killed himself. I would never have wanted him to continue to suffer in life just to be around for me. But I'm sad and I miss him. 1 year ago today....... I'm sad that he suffered, sad that he felt his life was not worthy (one of the things he said in his note....).
I have chronic pain and I know that at some point I might feel like I need to take my life as well. I have faith in God (Bible believing Christian), know that suicide is not the unpardonable sin, and know that God can heal me. But if God doesn't heal me and the pain gets to the point where I can't handle it then I also think God can forgive me if I decide to CTB. It may not be God's preference that I do this, but I am only human and can only handle so much. I hope God will heal me.
I wish J had believed in God the way I do as I would then have some comfort in knowing his soul was with God in heaven. I do not have that comfort at this time.
Suicide loss survivors feel a lot of guilt and I'm no exception. I wish I could tell J how sorry I am, how I wish I had done more to help him, etc. I may not have been able to help him no matter what I had done, but it feels like I should have been able to.
Anyway... I'm sorry to all who are here. I'm sorry for your anguish. And I'm sorry this is such a downer of an introduction.
Thank you for reading,
F
J lived in another state. He was struggling with a physical illness for 12 years. He was isolated, had some anxiety (which was apparently getting worse), and wasn't sleeping. I didn't really understand how bad it had become for him. I had visited with him ~2 months prior and I didn't suspect that he would want to end his life (but much of our visit had focused on helping our other brother). I spoke with him on the phone every 2-4 weeks. His best friend (who unfortunately lived on the other side of the country) spoke with him 3 days prior and also didn't suspect anything.
J's body was there for 2 weeks before my other brother and I realized we needed to get the police to do a well check. When the coroner's office investigator called me he said he thought J had drank mixed medications. The coroner noted toxic ingestion of medications/chemicals. After 2 weeks of bodily decay the toxicology report didn't show much. It was too late to confirm benzodiazepines (that I know he had) and sodium nitrite (which was suspected by the medical examiner). One of the only things that showed in J's liver was Ondansetron (anti-nausea med). I'm assuming he took SN, the anti-nausea med, and mixed benzos.
J and I were different but I loved my "little" brother. We were on opposite ends of the political spectrum, we had very different tastes in music, but we worked well together when our parents needed us (they died in 2018). We were co-trustees for our other brother's special needs trust. We could always carry on a conversation. We enjoyed each other's company when we were together. We were not together enough recently and I regret it.
I'm not angry with J, I understand why he killed himself. I would never have wanted him to continue to suffer in life just to be around for me. But I'm sad and I miss him. 1 year ago today....... I'm sad that he suffered, sad that he felt his life was not worthy (one of the things he said in his note....).
I have chronic pain and I know that at some point I might feel like I need to take my life as well. I have faith in God (Bible believing Christian), know that suicide is not the unpardonable sin, and know that God can heal me. But if God doesn't heal me and the pain gets to the point where I can't handle it then I also think God can forgive me if I decide to CTB. It may not be God's preference that I do this, but I am only human and can only handle so much. I hope God will heal me.
I wish J had believed in God the way I do as I would then have some comfort in knowing his soul was with God in heaven. I do not have that comfort at this time.
Suicide loss survivors feel a lot of guilt and I'm no exception. I wish I could tell J how sorry I am, how I wish I had done more to help him, etc. I may not have been able to help him no matter what I had done, but it feels like I should have been able to.
Anyway... I'm sorry to all who are here. I'm sorry for your anguish. And I'm sorry this is such a downer of an introduction.
Thank you for reading,
F
