Should I Kill Myself? As a self-hating trans person

[Sadsadsad0000]

Hello. My name is anonymous and I am hurting. I am hurting so badly. I am someone who struggles with self-hatred and gender dysphoria due to being trans. I've tried connecting with the local LGBT community on campus but they don't get me. No one does. My sweetheart doesn't get it either. I've tried getting help. Suicide is the last solution I want to take but I can't stand being trans. Nothing will change the fact that I am trans. As much as I like being on HRT, I even, out of desperation, considered stopping but if being trans isn't hard enough, then I would have to deal with all the people who would suddenly think I'm some weirdo terf. I know a lot of people on campus who would look at me differently if I detransitioned. I don't want to do that, though, but it sucks knowing it was never an option. I feel trapped. I can't be me, I don't like me. I try not think about it but everyday, EVERY DAY there is some news about trans people, local or broadcasted. I'll talk with a buddy and they will tell me about how one of their friends came out as trans. People will ask me my pronouns. Someone will send me a text bringing up the fact I'm trans. I have so much trauma of coming out and transitioning. I don't want to think about the fact that I am trans. I wish it would all go away. I either want to wake up to a world without that stupid word or not wake up at all. I love life, I love the Earth, and I want to enjoy as much as I can before I die someday. I love my partner. I am bored with life and misrerable and my sense of identity has shattered so much I just don't think I can put all the pieces back together. It's better off being swept up and thrown away.

I don't know what to make of my situation. I've thought about suicide for years but I don't have the stomach for it. Now that I have a partner, I hardly have the heart to go through it, knowing how much both of our lives have improved from being together. I don't want to die. I don't want to be me, either. If I knew for fact that I could get a second chance at life as a different person, I would go for it in a heartbeat. That's not guranteed, though. The life I have could be the only one... but I'm so sick of me.

 

[Thalassa]

Hi there. So there is a lot to unpack in your post and every time I read it, it brings up more questions. There's probably someone here who could do a better job of responding, but since no one else has yet, I'm going to take a stab at it.

So you asked, should you CTB because you are a "self-hating trans person"?
Answer: No.

The fundamental solution is to stop hating yourself. (Yes, I know, easier said than done, but actually doable.) You said, "I've tried getting help." Can I ask what form of help you have tried getting exactly?

I haven't posted much here, but on other forums that are *not* about catching the bus, when someone brings up thoughts of suicide, my standard response is to suggest to the person that, if possible, they go see a *good* Cognitive Behavioral Therapist AND a *good* psychiatrist (psychiatrists prescribe anti-depressants).

If they are not seeing results from their sessions, then they need to try a new therapist and/or psychiatrist. There can VAST differences between the quality of care you get from different therapists and psychiatrists. One thing that can help is to educate yourself about what Cognitive Behavioral Therapists do exactly and what they should be doing with you during sessions.

In regard to medication from psychiatrists, if they diagnose you with treatment-resistant depression after trying 2 or 3 meds, do NOT give up because they are lazy and haven't kept up with the scientific literature. Find a psychiatrist who is PATIENT and has significant experience treating treatment-resistant depression. There has been a LOT of research into treatment-resistant depression over the past 20 years or so, and there are many med combinations you can try.

But normally things don't go that far. Many people are helped very quickly, but it can still be time consuming to find what anti-depressant and dosage is right for your body chemistry and has the least amount of side effects. And taking an anti-depressant doesn't mean you will have to take it forever - especially if you are combining it with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).

As to CBT, I would think you would want to find a therapist who has worked with transgender people. But any CBT from a caring therapist is going to be better than nothing.

As to your current situation, I assume you are in college since you mentioned being on campus. This is a temporary situation. Before you know it, you will have graduated and you and your partner can move wherever you want. Look at voting record maps if you want to find a more liberal city.

And lastly, I will just say that I have seen things change SO MUCH during my life in regard to societal attitudes towards the LGBT+ community. And I fully expect things to keep changing for the better.

Wishing you all the best.

 

[LaughingGoat]

Hi there. So there is a lot to unpack in your post and every time I read it, it brings up more questions. There's probably someone here who could do a better job of responding, but since no one else has yet, I'm going to take a stab at it.

So you asked, should you CTB because you are a "self-hating trans person"?
Answer: No.

The fundamental solution is to stop hating yourself. (Yes, I know, easier said than done, but actually doable.) You said, "I've tried getting help." Can I ask what form of help you have tried getting exactly?

I haven't posted much here, but on other forums that are *not* about catching the bus, when someone brings up thoughts of suicide, my standard response is to suggest to the person that, if possible, they go see a *good* Cognitive Behavioral Therapist AND a *good* psychiatrist (psychiatrists prescribe anti-depressants).

If they are not seeing results from their sessions, then they need to try a new therapist and/or psychiatrist. There can VAST differences between the quality of care you get from different therapists and psychiatrists. One thing that can help is to educate yourself about what Cognitive Behavioral Therapists do exactly and what they should be doing with you during sessions.

In regard to medication from psychiatrists, if they diagnose you with treatment-resistant depression after trying 2 or 3 meds, do NOT give up because they are lazy and haven't kept up with the scientific literature. Find a psychiatrist who is PATIENT and has significant experience treating treatment-resistant depression. There has been a LOT of research into treatment-resistant depression over the past 20 years or so, and there are many med combinations you can try.

But normally things don't go that far. Many people are helped very quickly, but it can still be time consuming to find what anti-depressant and dosage is right for your body chemistry and has the least amount of side effects. And taking an anti-depressant doesn't mean you will have to take it forever - especially if you are combining it with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).

As to CBT, I would think you would want to find a therapist who has worked with transgender people. But any CBT from a caring therapist is going to be better than nothing.

As to your current situation, I assume you are in college since you mentioned being on campus. This is a temporary situation. Before you know it, you will have graduated and you and your partner can move wherever you want. Look at voting record maps if you want to find a more liberal city.

And lastly, I will just say that I have seen things change SO MUCH during my life in regard to societal attitudes towards the LGBT+ community. And I fully expect things to keep changing for the better.

Wishing you all the best.

Honestly don't have much to add since this was an excellent write-up to your situation. My opinion is the only potential reason worth hating yourself is for the way you treat others in life. Whether you are trans or decide not to transition, have dysphoria, feel comfortable in your skin or not some days; those are all just reasons to work through finding yourself. As long as you treat others with kindness and respect, anyone worth keeping in your life will do the same for you.