Should I?

[wherearewenow]

Hello all. My name is Eleanor, i'm a 19 year old and I have been thinking about suicide on and off for years now, but I've only begun to truly consider it this past year. I'm a trans woman in college, and I need to know if I should just end it.

I have failed all of my classes this semester out of pure laziness. I am pretty pathetic. I made a few friends this year but not enough to feel loved. I live in Ohio and I'm terrified about what that means for the future given I'm trans.

I lost pretty much all of my high school friends through doing something pretty terrible, and I don't blame them for cutting me off. In fact, while I don't want to go into detail here, that's a lot of the reason I feel like I should kill myself. I have destroyed so many friendships. I have basically no aspirations for life. I feel like 19 years is enough.

I am lucky enough to have a pretty good family. My mom supports me and loves me and my sister is alright. I haven't talked to my dad in years, however, and that's also a lot my fault.

My entire life feels at a standstill. I don't have any hopes for the future. Should I look into ending it?

 

[Need2Leave]

I'm sorry for how you feeling. I really can't tell you what to do. I think you should take some time, maybe? Idk

I don't have much to say but wish you the best. I think you'll get the answers with time. We have different circumstances but I know what it feels like to see no hope and it's not a good feeling I understand.

Maybe time will. It's up to you anyway.

 

[wherearewenow]

just be honest. if you were in my spot would you ctb? i mean you're in this forum haha

 

[Wolf-Alice]

If you're questioning it, then the answer is no.

 

[timetodie24]

So sorry to hear you've been through a lot and feeling hopeless. It's a huge decision and should be only your decision. We're not in your spot so can't say what we do if we were. Only you know that.
The fact that you're asking here suggests you have some uncertainty and are not ready. Something must be holding you back ? Is it fear or a bit of hope , both or something else ? Explore that first, there is no rush as there is no going back after you do it .
Have you exhausted all your options to improve things ?

 

[wherearewenow]

i guess the only thing holding me back is one song i've been writing since 2020 that i haven't finished yet. seems silly i know, but i just need to finish it before i feel comfortable with death. i am also scared about negatively impacting my mom and sister—ik the antinatalism philosophy says we shouldn't care about our parents, but i do. and my sister has had ideations as well and i don't want her to become more depressed. other than those things i do think i want to ctb, ive had ideations my entire life since childhood and i just want some thoughts from other ppl in similar headspaces :p

If you're questioning it, then the answer is no.

why not? i mean it's not like ill regret it if i do go through with it :p

 

[locked*n*loaded]

No one can tell you what to do. Or will. Can't understand why you would even want somone to on the arguably biggest decision you'll ever make? Yeah, Ohio sucks with its RePULSIVEcan party in control, but you could always go elsewhere, I assume. I know, I live here, too. Is your pain greater than any joys you have, or hope, to ever have? You gotta decide for yourself.

 

[wherearewenow]

im not looking for ppl to tell me what to do, i guess im just looking for input. i can't exactly talk about this with friends lolsies
i honestly don't have a ton of mental pain. i just generally don't think my existence is very worth it for others. i do have joys but i guess my thought process is that if i were to ctb its not like the joys would matter anyway

 

[Need2Leave]

just be honest. if you were in my spot would you ctb? i mean you're in this forum haha

I could just say no, but that would invalidate how you're feeling and that's not fair. I was also 19 and understand everything you've gone through. I also lost friends. I also failed in every aspect of life. I've made bad decisions too. It was when I suffered from intolerable illnesses that I decided that enough is enough. Before the illnesses, I could cope with the life circumstance and everything I've mentioned above.

No one person experience thoughts of suicide the same. Personally I would give it time. It could be a week, a month, a year or so. It's all up to you. You should not put pressure on yourself.

Also consider recovery If it has not been an option for you. Or stay on the site and interact with those who is going through exactly what you're going through.

I think you will find your answers with time. Sorry If I sound insensitive or invalidating.

I wish you the all the best.

 

[wherearewenow]

i guess i've already given it time. i've been suicidal seemingly without reason my entire life—now i have reason. i did just talk to my mom, she called me at a bad point and i spilled everything to her and im worried i fucked up. i guess we'll see what happens now :p

 

[LaughingGoat]

im not looking for ppl to tell me what to do, i guess im just looking for input. i can't exactly talk about this with friends lolsies
i honestly don't have a ton of mental pain. i just generally don't think my existence is very worth it for others. i do have joys but i guess my thought process is that if i were to ctb its not like the joys would matter anyway

I think I understand what you're asking. You can look at it from an analytical view: You can do a modified form of a pros and cons list for your life with all the experiences, emotions, hopes, pleasures, and pains and decide if it is overall weighed to you as more of a positive or negative. Like you said, you won't be able to regret discarding your joys if you ctb.

That being said, suicide for most people isn't a strictly logical or analytical decision, but an emotional one. Small sample size and not pretending to know you, but from what you've written in this thread, I get the sense you have a ways to go in terms of getting a deep understanding of yourself (not a diss, it's true for just about every 19 year old) and could work through the issues you've identified like ambitions, friendships, and motivation.

 

[wherearewenow]

part of me just wants to get it over with. i've been very up and down over the years and im scared ill just fall further down and up again. i dont want my life to be that, maybe death would be better? i don't know

 

[wisteria3]

So sorry you're struggling :( Being on the fence is the worst. I don't think anyone can make the decision for you, since everyone has different limits for what an "unbearable" or "hopeless" situation looks like. I would say, don't be too hard on yourself. Your perceived laziness is likely a result of your depression, which is not your fault. The "terrible" thing you did, even if is truly terrible, does not define you for the rest of your life. Everyone's made mistakes, especially as a teenager. Everyone deserves forgiveness as long as they learn from their mistakes and accept responsibility. From my perspective, I think your situation is far from hopeless. If you want to live, I think there's a good chance you could achieve happiness some day. It's possible to make new friends and become a person you can be proud of. But you would have to put in some work to recover from depression, which you may or may not view as worth it.

Maybe you could come up with a plan and/or prepare for ctb, and then put in effort to recover knowing you always have a backup plan? I don't know if that's good advice, because I don't know if you'd really put effort into recovery if part of you is considering ctb... If you haven't already tried therapy/medication, you may as well give that a try too

 

[Sadsadsad0000]

Please consider sticking around. I'm also a trans woman but I want you to know that last year, a week after my lowest point, I was the happiest I ever was in my life. If I ended my life at 19, I wouldn't have met my fiance. I'm 20 now, so this was pretty recent. That's how fast life can change! I promise, life will eventually get better over a long enough period of time. I also have a best friend who cut everyone off and failed school. After some time, things turned around for them and they are happier than I have seen them for years. It wasn't easy, I saw how depressed they were and it took years but it was so worth it. Life can change and get better. Imagine, if you will, that you are a blossoming flower. You might not see it right now, but you have the potential to bloom into something beautiful, outside and inside. That incredible transformation won't get to happen if that flower dies! You said your mother supports you. It might be good to spend some time with her. Best wishes.

 

[AlexYaBoy]

If you're asking the question, then I wouldn't consider it. You're not a failure. You will be, if you don't begin to improve your grades.

Get at it, girl.

 

[Heartaches]

Hi Eleanor. I'm very sorry for what you've gone through, I identify with some of what you're going through. I'm a trans man in his early 20's. I don't live in the US, but I'm aware of what my trans siblings are fighting through and I feel for all of you. My country isn't looking better when it comes to trans rights either. I've struggled with school due to mental illness and unresolved trauma. I know what it's to fail a semester due to "laziness".

First of all, no one here can tell you whether to live or die, it's a very personal decision for every person.

I think you should exhaust all possibilities that come to mind. You say you have a good family, right? Relying on your loved ones in times of desperation and loneliness can help people go through difficult times. Try to talk to them about all the things that are weighting on your mind. Not all at once, but little by little. If you only want to be heard and not answered, tell them. Sometimes you just need someone to hear and be with you.

Failing a semester, while not good, is not the end of the world. You could try to talk with the administration and see if they can offer accomodations, a therapist or a support group. Find someway to mitigate what happened. It's tough and it shouldn't be this way, but advocating for yourself is important. I'm not very knowledgeable in the US education system, but if there any alternatives that could be better suited for you, you should try them. Investigate and exhaust all resources, basically.

I don't know what happened with your friends and I'm in no place to ask, but it doesn't mean nobody will ever love you and that you will not be able to find friendships again. Look at groups of interest in your area, try social media, fandoms, etc. You recognize you did something bad and that's good. Is it painful? Yes. But it means you can change, you can ammend. It's a slow, difficult process that is tough to come to terms with. Write every thought down, make an audio diary, make art, take a walk, do breathing exercises. Give yourself time. If possible, find a therapist or a therapy group.

A lot of people in their early 20's don't know what the hell they want to do with their life, myself included. I've known a lot of people who've expressed the same. You're not alone, Give yourself some grace, it's a good age to try many things.

If you're really keen on comitting suicide, that's okay. Investigate your method(s) and your make arrangements prior to your attempt. At the end of the day, no one can make the choice but you.

Sending you hugs. Take care.​

 

[wherearewenow]

i guess im just worried ive hit rock bottom and dont have a lot of point going on from here. my room is literally disgusting, i failed all of my classes in college this semester, my mom is (justifiably) dissapointed in me. i dont have any aspirations for the future. i dont have a point to exist tbh. im a failure and my mom is finally realizing it (ive been trying to tell her but it took her a while to realize). other than her and my sister being a little sad for a while im sure they can recover and my death wouldnt have much of an impact on my community. im not quite ready to CTB i think? but im close. i think closer than i ever have been in my life. ive gone through cycles of depression forever. at what point do i just end it?
my mother still has one other daughter, one who actually has a purpose in life and aspirations. i know shed be sad but she has her

 

[Linda]

Hello all. My name is Eleanor, i'm a 19 year old and I have been thinking about suicide on and off for years now, but I've only begun to truly consider it this past year. I'm a trans woman in college, and I need to know if I should just end it.

I have failed all of my classes this semester out of pure laziness. I am pretty pathetic. I made a few friends this year but not enough to feel loved. I live in Ohio and I'm terrified about what that means for the future given I'm trans.

I lost pretty much all of my high school friends through doing something pretty terrible, and I don't blame them for cutting me off. In fact, while I don't want to go into detail here, that's a lot of the reason I feel like I should kill myself. I have destroyed so many friendships. I have basically no aspirations for life. I feel like 19 years is enough.

I am lucky enough to have a pretty good family. My mom supports me and loves me and my sister is alright. I haven't talked to my dad in years, however, and that's also a lot my fault.

My entire life feels at a standstill. I don't have any hopes for the future. Should I look into ending it?

"Should I look into ending it?" Probably not, in my opinion. Or, at least, not yet. I think you would do better to get back into the routine of work at college, to make sure you don't fail any more classes. I think you are just going throug a bad period at the moment, and there's a good chance that things will improve.
You have every reason to be concerned about the future, given that you are trans and live in America. We can still hope that Trump does not win the election, in which case the concerns will greatly diminish. They may go away permanently, since the present anti-trans hysteria is bound to be only temporary. If the worst happens, and Trump does win, you will be in the situation that gay and jewish people were in 1930s Germany. In that case, you will have three options. (1) Get out of the country. (2) Do nothing, and hope that they don't come for you. (3) Get organized, with other trans people, and any allies you can find, and fight. Options 2 and 3 could cost you your life but with 3 at least you would go down fighting.
If I were in your situation, and Trump were to win, I would choose 3.

 

[Aeselle]

i guess im just worried ive hit rock bottom and dont have a lot of point going on from here. my room is literally disgusting, i failed all of my classes in college this semester, my mom is (justifiably) dissapointed in me. i dont have any aspirations for the future. i dont have a point to exist tbh. im a failure and my mom is finally realizing it (ive been trying to tell her but it took her a while to realize). other than her and my sister being a little sad for a while im sure they can recover and my death wouldnt have much of an impact on my community. im not quite ready to CTB i think? but im close. i think closer than i ever have been in my life. ive gone through cycles of depression forever. at what point do i just end it?
my mother still has one other daughter, one who actually has a purpose in life and aspirations. i know shed be sad but she has her

Honestly I feel very similar so you're not alone, I also failed a class and have to retake an entire semester to make up for it. My mom has been very supportive but I also think that it's because of me that she's been declining lately. I feel so bad that my parents had to pay for my tuition even though I couldn't manage to pass this semester. I've never had any plans for the future as well, I kinda live to just live so I've been thinking even if I graduate, what am I going to do with my life? It just feels so long and pointless at times. I just wanted to tell you, you're definitely not alone in this thought !!

 

[suffering_mo_7]

im not looking for ppl to tell me what to do, i guess im just looking for input. i can't exactly talk about this with friends lolsies
i honestly don't have a ton of mental pain. i just generally don't think my existence is very worth it for others. i do have joys but i guess my thought process is that if i were to ctb its not like the joys would matter anyway

You are asking for input based on your situation..... Don't do it. Life can get better. It's going to be up and down and the downs are what makes the ups so good. The other thing....you could fail and then your life could be REALLY bad. Suicide is not an easy thing and if you fail, you could be jacked up. Since you are asking for opinions mine is don't. I've hit rock bottom, though with all my physical issues...or getting close. Even then, after going through this site and researching, I am not sure I can take the risk just yet of it getting even worse. It's making me change my stance on assisted suicide for the chronically ill and pain and I have been a conservative my whole life.