Venting "If you kill yourself you'll ruin my life"

[halleyscomet]

I've been inactive for a little while, so long time no see!

My life has become a little different in recent times, I've found a boy I really like him and he likes me too. We've been dating and it's been amazing.

I want to make him happy. I started taking my meds again, stopped self harming - all for him really.

However I told him about my suicidal thoughts, my mental illness, trauma - everything really. I didn't want him to be blind sighted, I don't think anyone deserves that.

He was upset when I told him, but understanding. He then went on this huge rant about how if I ctb I'll ruin his life, even if we break up I'll ruin him.

I feel like shit. I know eventually I'll ctb and I know it will be by my own hands. Maybe soon, maybe later I don't know. I just feel this pit in my stomach now, I feel so guilty.

I know I'm being selfish for letting more people enter my life, love me and know me. But is it so wrong? I want to enjoy my time in this world before it ends.

I know I should just ctb and get it over with because the longer I leave it the worse it will be for the people who choose to love me in this world, but I want to experience love, loss the pain the pleasure - I want to experience at least a taste of it before I go.

But in the process I'm going to hurt everyone around me and I hate myself for it. I feel so trapped, so hopeless. I want to ctb either way I just, maybe I'm prolonging the inevitable.

I have severe clinical depression, I'm autistic. It will not get better. I will always want to ctb it's how my brain is wired, it's like a fucked up destiny of sorts.

Why does existence have to be so painful?

 

[AkaRed]

This is why I don't outright tell people my plans and thoughts because the only venom they know how to spit back at me is guilt.

They turn the narrative to become self absorbed and dismissive, taking in no consideration what they have just heard and only make it a game of how bad they can make you feel about your own illness.

All you sought was comfort, and now you are the one trying to do the comforting.

It's always normies who will run these narratives of how it'll ruin them, too.
In my POV, I don't fucking care. Because I know how little this will affect you in both the long and short term anyways.

I just stay safe and don't mention it- because it's not worth the annoyance and hassle. I'm not interested in comforting ignorance and selfishness.

<3

 

[goodoldnoname923]

I've been inactive for a little while, so long time no see!

My life has become a little different in recent times, I've found a boy I really like him and he likes me too. We've been dating and it's been amazing.

I want to make him happy. I started taking my meds again, stopped self harming - all for him really.

However I told him about my suicidal thoughts, my mental illness, trauma - everything really. I didn't want him to be blind sighted, I don't think anyone deserves that.

He was upset when I told him, but understanding. He then went on this huge rant about how if I ctb I'll ruin his life, even if we break up I'll ruin him.

I feel like shit. I know eventually I'll ctb and I know it will be by my own hands. Maybe soon, maybe later I don't know. I just feel this pit in my stomach now, I feel so guilty.

I know I'm being selfish for letting more people enter my life, love me and know me. But is it so wrong? I want to enjoy my time in this world before it ends.

I know I should just ctb and get it over with because the longer I leave it the worse it will be for the people who choose to love me in this world, but I want to experience love, loss the pain the pleasure - I want to experience at least a taste of it before I go.

But in the process I'm going to hurt everyone around me and I hate myself for it. I feel so trapped, so hopeless. I want to ctb either way I just, maybe I'm prolonging the inevitable.

I have severe clinical depression, I'm autistic. It will not get better. I will always want to ctb it's how my brain is wired, it's like a fucked up destiny of sorts.

Why does existence have to be so painful?

I'd just enjoy the happy times while they exist live in the moment,don't worry about the end so far. And you'll hurt people regardless of when you go so I wouldn't worry about how much sooner or later you do it.

And like yourself i have depression as well as anxiety and also on the spectrum and i've been suicidal since 13 myself and i struggle to connect with people and maintain relationships if i could find enough pleasures in life and people in mt life to keep going day to day I probably wouldn't even think about catching the bus but whenever i get close it all crumbles in front of me

So hey if your looking for a friend honestly I'm here but like yourself presuming everything goes to plan i wont be here much longer myself it's just a matter of when

 

[F@#$]

I wish someone would say that to me. My reply would be " good because that's what I'm going for. The more trauma the better. ".

 

[Abyssal]

Heyyy nice avatar! Twinsies on both the character and the vent!

That said if I didn't ruin lives by trying to ctb then I'd be long gone. The worst part is during my last attempt I was there to see how people reacted before I was told I'd be okay and even after. It sucks but at least in my case i think my death would be followed by other in their grief.

Can't even talk it out with people. I wish it was easier to prepare my loved ones and explain to them it's not that big a deal to me. No use wishing for a miracle though.