NSFW How to make yourself enjoy sex?

[unsaiddes]

So, I'm in a sexually active long-term relationship while secretly not enjoying sex at all. It's not my boyfriend's fault, it's just never been good for me with anyone. And I've tried with both men and women. I suspect my antidepressants aren't helping the issue.

Sex is something my boyfriend prioritizes in our relationship, not just to get his rocks off but because he loves having that intimate connection and expressing his love for me that way. It just doesn't click for me, no matter what he says or does.

I almost never turn him down when he asks for sex and I think I pull off acting like I'm enjoying myself pretty well, but of course I know it's wrong to be lying to him like this. I masturbate pretty regularly on nights we aren't together, and I kind of dread moving in with him in a couple months because it'll be hard to get away with. I don't like the physicality of sex, being sweaty and sore and bored. Pleasuring myself, by myself with no audience, is the only thing that works for me.

Any ideas on how I can make myself enjoy sex with a partner? I want to want it, I want my relationship to continue, I don't want to be a bad person who is only reluctantly consenting to intimacy with my boyfriend without his knowledge. I've tried staying in the moment and my body, reminding myself that I love him and find him attractive, deep breathing, talking him through it, etc.

If I was actually asexual I don't think he would stay with me, and I don't think anyone else would either. (I'm not talking about all asexual people, just myself specifically.) I'll take this post down if anyone thinks it's upsetting, and I'm sorry for the TMI. But any opinions or advice would be appreciated.

 

[derpyderpins]

Trying to be delicate with the topic, but is there something specific you think about when you are with yourself? Like a kink or a turn-on? I know sometimes I get tired of very vanilla stuff and add a bit of imagination to the situation. Might be that you could use more/different foreplay.

I do think you should talk with him. You don't have to say "I'M ASEXUAL," but really tell him that you're uncomfortable and it's not quite clicking, and you want him to be part of the solution. If the sweat and work is a big part of it, maybe he could just help you while you self-pleasure to get that intimacy he craves but in a way that you're more comfortable with.

 

[LilysAngel]

So I really can't pay attention long enough to read most anything. So excuse me if this is incorrect. But I believe in your post that you said these two things:
1) you masturbate regularly.
2) you cannot enjoy it with anybody, regardless of gender.

I am this way too. I cannot achieve the big O with anyone without the help of toys. I've been in & out of SW, poly, kinky, and pansexual- so lots of partners of all gender identities. The problem is me.

However,
A hitachi is pretty much the only thing that will get me to finish. I have started combining that with partners during intercorse. Or mutual masturbation stuff. Have you tried anything like this before?

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Has he tried doing it the same way you do it yourself? Do you possibly have PSSD (e.g. can you have orgasms or not at all even by yourself)? I'm just wondering whether the problem is his technique, you may have only had bad partners so you have nothing to compare with. Or as LilysAngel said, maybe it would take toys or something else. I can't help there.

Otherwise, you could maybe start coming up with some excuses to do something else? Maybe tell him you'd rather "do X" tonight?

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Why not just see a sex therapist or see someone who is a trained professional in dealing with issues like this? Random people online are likely not going to be the ones to give you any good answers because none of us know you, or your sexual experience, nor do we know enough about the specific mechanisms and psychology around sex to be of any help. In my unexperienced opinion, it would be better to just open up about this with your boyfriend and then go together to see someone qualified to help.

 

[final_countdown12]

Try a couple of session of tantric sex with an excelent professional leading the process in a cool place. Its worth the shot.

 

[Meteora]

What a sad topic..... it saddens me greatly that so many women experience this, including me. We have sex but we don t feel anything. We do it for our partner.
That is so so sad.
At 46, after three decades if playing along with various partners, I think I m literally "burnt out". I can t fake it anymore. I get aggressions or have to cry after every act. He gets the orgasm, I cry.
It s greatly underestimated what it does emotionally and energetically to women when they always have sex without really feeling anything.

I have no advice for you, unfortunately. Just be careful and try to talk to your boyfriend. If he s a good guy, he doesn t want you to feel this way and respects your boundaries.

 

[Mirrory Me]

Some nutrients or drugs can increase libido.

 

[Meteora]

Some nutrients or drugs can increase libido.

Yes like Maca root, ginger, celery, chili.
Maca root can, according to studies, offset the loss of libido stemming from anti-depressants.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4411442/

I can t really say if it worked for me. A little bit maybe.

 

[rozeske]

Are you in a situation where you can access or afford a certified sex therapist? If you can, there is a good chance a professional in the matter would be able to help you and once you feel comfortable you can include your partner for couples therapy sessions.

 

[BojackHorseman]

Oh I relate to this so much. I'm so sorry your going through this. I've only ever had an orgasm with a partner once, and that was my husband after years of marriage. It's no fault of his own, I'm pansexual and have had more partners than I care to mention. I had only one other person come close, but not quite. I also masturbate in private when my husband isn't home. Not sure if he knows or not... But the problem definitely isn't my husband, it's me. I have had partners who legit sucked, like having a beached whale flopping around on me, but I have had great sex with some. Might not be orgasmic sex, but great sex. With how I was raised and things I was exposed to at a too young age, I kinda grew up with the mentality that sex is something women do to and for men. It's not for women's pleasure, it's for men. It's a performance that men expect. So most the time that's all sex is to me, a performance. My mind is constantly "Do I look ok? Do I sound ok? Do I smell ok? Am I doing it right?" so much so that it's impossible to orgasm. I agree with you too that the physicality of sex can be... unappealing. Getting all sweaty and tired and hot, for no orgasm, when with just a vibrator you can have a practically effortless orgasm. Sounds lazy I know lol But mainly by myself I don't have to put on that performance. I don't have those intrusive thoughts. I can just enjoy myself without pressure. My husband tries so hard, and it actually makes it worse. It makes me feel guilty and pressured to try and hurry up and orgasm, so of course it never works. At the same time, if he doesn't try my feelings are hurt and it still don't happen. Poor man is dammed if he does, damned if he don't.

If I understand correctly, it sounds like you don't enjoy the sex at all though, orgasm or not. Have you considered that your asexual? You mention you don't think your boyfriend would be with you if you were... and that makes me worry for you. I think you should talk to him before you move in together. I think the suggestion of others to seek out therapy is a great idea. Even though I struggle too, I have no sage advice to give. Just empathy that I understand your frustration.

 

[theboy]

you can take some natural herbs to stimulate your sexuality or perfume yourself with fermone.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

So, I'm in a sexually active long-term relationship while secretly not enjoying sex at all. It's not my boyfriend's fault, it's just never been good for me with anyone. And I've tried with both men and women. I suspect my antidepressants aren't helping the issue.

Sex is something my boyfriend prioritizes in our relationship, not just to get his rocks off but because he loves having that intimate connection and expressing his love for me that way. It just doesn't click for me, no matter what he says or does.

I almost never turn him down when he asks for sex and I think I pull off acting like I'm enjoying myself pretty well, but of course I know it's wrong to be lying to him like this. I masturbate pretty regularly on nights we aren't together, and I kind of dread moving in with him in a couple months because it'll be hard to get away with. I don't like the physicality of sex, being sweaty and sore and bored. Pleasuring myself, by myself with no audience, is the only thing that works for me.

Any ideas on how I can make myself enjoy sex with a partner? I want to want it, I want my relationship to continue, I don't want to be a bad person who is only reluctantly consenting to intimacy with my boyfriend without his knowledge. I've tried staying in the moment and my body, reminding myself that I love him and find him attractive, deep breathing, talking him through it, etc.

If I was actually asexual I don't think he would stay with me, and I don't think anyone else would either. (I'm not talking about all asexual people, just myself specifically.) I'll take this post down if anyone thinks it's upsetting, and I'm sorry for the TMI. But any opinions or advice would be appreciated.

Does watching porn for you help before sex? Can you learn from couples to become more engaged? Have you fantasized about having sex with him, actually enjoying it, and why? I think you should figure out a way to say something to him about this? Are you limber? Do you stretch regularly? Is the sex boring for you? If you both were freshly showered would that help the cleanliness? Would you want him to watch you masturbate and incorporate him into it so he does it for you eventually? Would doing it besides the bed help? Is there enough initiation going on beforehand? As in not just jumping into it? Like any buildup? (For example I like to kiss so that always helps.) Have you looked online for couple's games or couple's toys? You don't have to answer any of these, just fruit for thought. I'm also wondering there's ever been any physical abuse in your past. That is something a lot of people have to overcome and I can imagine it's hell. Also have you talked to your gyno? Birth control can contribute? Or use or no use of condoms? Are you too consumed with nonsexual thoughts or self-consciousness during like one user noted? You deserve to get your own too. There's so many factors that can contribute to not enjoying sex. There's still so much pressure on women sexually. If you can figure out the why, then you can try things to make it work. Hope this helps :/ Don't want you to have to be a Miranda from Sex & the City and yall break up because you can never "get there" despite what he does or what tips you give him. (This is a joke btw. But still don't want you to be in that position.) If your guy told you he had this same problem, and he told you it was not you it was him, what would you suggest?

 

[divinemistress36]

Alcohol

 

[d3ad]

So, I'm in a sexually active long-term relationship while secretly not enjoying sex at all. It's not my boyfriend's fault, it's just never been good for me with anyone. And I've tried with both men and women. I suspect my antidepressants aren't helping the issue.

Sex is something my boyfriend prioritizes in our relationship, not just to get his rocks off but because he loves having that intimate connection and expressing his love for me that way. It just doesn't click for me, no matter what he says or does.

I almost never turn him down when he asks for sex and I think I pull off acting like I'm enjoying myself pretty well, but of course I know it's wrong to be lying to him like this. I masturbate pretty regularly on nights we aren't together, and I kind of dread moving in with him in a couple months because it'll be hard to get away with. I don't like the physicality of sex, being sweaty and sore and bored. Pleasuring myself, by myself with no audience, is the only thing that works for me.

Any ideas on how I can make myself enjoy sex with a partner? I want to want it, I want my relationship to continue, I don't want to be a bad person who is only reluctantly consenting to intimacy with my boyfriend without his knowledge. I've tried staying in the moment and my body, reminding myself that I love him and find him attractive, deep breathing, talking him through it, etc.

If I was actually asexual I don't think he would stay with me, and I don't think anyone else would either. (I'm not talking about all asexual people, just myself specifically.) I'll take this post down if anyone thinks it's upsetting, and I'm sorry for the TMI. But any opinions or advice would be appreciated.

OMG, I used to be exactly like that too. I know how frustrating it is to feel like that, I'm so sorry. What helped me was talking to my bf about what I like and what turns me on. Also, implement the things you do during self-pleasure to your sex life. Be honest about what you love and want, and please don't be ashamed. P.S. this is actually a very common experience. I've spoken to a lot of women who have experienced that.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

Antidepressants can kill the libido. I enjoyed wanting tk have sex and when I was on Sertraline for 5 months it felt like I was a different person. Dry as a desert, never interested in sex, whenever my boyfriend wanted it, it felt like it was a chore I had to do, really felt like work, I hated it. I stopped cold turkey because of this.

At an earlier time in my life, when I was still a virgin, I lost interest in sex because it was never good. Whenever the time for penetration came, it would hurt so much that we always had to stop. At some point, I couldn't even get aroused because my body knew it would lead to disappointment. I think our sexual organs have a memory of their own.

I'd recommend to check the side effects of the antidepressants and changing to another one that doesn't cause sexual dysfunction. Speak with your doctor. With that out of the way, I'd recommend being honest with your boyfriend and telling him that sex isn't pleasurable for you, tell him how it never was with anyone and try to discover together why that may be. I've done similar with my boyfriend several times and we were able to heal some past wounds and know more about each other.

Also, like others mentioned, can you pleasure yourself alone? There may be things you do alone that can be incorporated while having sex with him.

 

[steppenwolf]

You say yourself you can only be happy - i.e. achieve orgasm - by yourself, so be by yourself then. You're not a bad person. You're a human being. You owe your boyfriend nothing. Let him buy a life-sized teddy bear if he wants to own something he can hump and cuddle.

If you're determined to continue the relationship, you need to be honest with your boyfriend about how little you enjoy sex with him. Then you need to demonstrate to him in intimate detail how you enjoy it by yourself, so that he can learn how to do the same things with you that you do with yourself. Otherwise, how can you expect him to know what to do?

The mechanisms of female orgasm are generally somewhat less obvious than how men function, and all men are born ignorant of them and need to be trained. Tell him it'll be a voyage of discovery for him.