PlasticFace
My story is in my about me, if you'd like to know.
- Feb 16, 2023
- 89
Being alone, I tend to sit with my thoughts more than anything else. It used to be scary (and sometimes still is) but I've found the beauty in it. Sitting alone, with yourself... It's one of the most therapeutic things a person can do. I find myself deep in thought, for hours and just feeling the time pass through me as I think back to every single decision I've ever made, every breath I've ever breathed, and every life I've ever come across. Some people may be too afraid of themselves to do this but I truly do urge you to try, even if just for a moment.
Anyway, I like to write during these moments. I like to jot down every idea that I want to touch on at a later time. Seeing as how I tend to post in a "blog-like" format, I want to dump these ideas here. Here are some ideas or memories I think about often.
1. Normality/Guarantee of death
As soon as you take your first breath, you are guaranteed one thing. Not money or fortune, but death. Every single living thing, whether it be a plant, bug, or a human, dies. Why be afraid of death when it is bound to come eventually?
2. The look of a mother who lost her son
I will never forget her face or her posture or her glazed-over eyes after her son had CTB. I saw her for only a moment but her eyes held an eternity of despair. He was my best friend but he was her world. She didn't even look real. She looked like a painting or a blurry photograph. She looked like she had wished to disappear, and the wish was coming true.
3. The demeanor of an evil, starved man
4. What I took for granted
Imagine this: Your everyday routine. Everything you do to get through the day. Now, imagine trying to do that while you're unable to keep still. I don't just mean you fidget sometimes. I mean you literally can not keep your body from twitching. Not only is it inconvenient, it hurts. It feels like the skin is about to vibrate off of my bones. Everything I used to do, I can't do normally anymore. I can't use normal silverware. I can't use non-flexible straws. I can't have fragile things. I cant climb stairs. I can't pull a shirt over my head without a struggle. Everything. I took everything for granted and then it was violently robbed from me.
I could've made this a 10-book series but I'll spare the details haha. Thoughts are meant to be thought about, not pushed down because you're too scared to feel those feelings. Take some time to just be with yourself today/night. Get in a private spot, and just let the thoughts roll in. Feel all of those feelings and let the dark in for even just a moment.
Anyway, I like to write during these moments. I like to jot down every idea that I want to touch on at a later time. Seeing as how I tend to post in a "blog-like" format, I want to dump these ideas here. Here are some ideas or memories I think about often.
1. Normality/Guarantee of death
As soon as you take your first breath, you are guaranteed one thing. Not money or fortune, but death. Every single living thing, whether it be a plant, bug, or a human, dies. Why be afraid of death when it is bound to come eventually?
2. The look of a mother who lost her son
I will never forget her face or her posture or her glazed-over eyes after her son had CTB. I saw her for only a moment but her eyes held an eternity of despair. He was my best friend but he was her world. She didn't even look real. She looked like a painting or a blurry photograph. She looked like she had wished to disappear, and the wish was coming true.
3. The demeanor of an evil, starved man
When that man first met me, did he know what he would eventually do to me? I don't know if I'd rather him plan it or do it on a whim. I wonder if he thought of his wife, his children. I wonder if he felt his badge and armored vest heavy against his chest. I wonder if he planned on taking his wife in this same bed after he was done with me. I remember watching my feet dangle off of the side of the bed, my brand-new shoes about to fall off. I wonder if his co-workers and his chief thought any differently of him. (I know they knew.) The cold feeling of his gun to my head will always be the most comforting feeling to me because it signaled that he was finished, I could limp home now. His labored breathing and piercing eyes stick with me more than the act itself. I still see him behind the lid of my eye sometimes. I wonder if he looked like that while he assaulted his own wife and children, or if that was only for me.
4. What I took for granted
Imagine this: Your everyday routine. Everything you do to get through the day. Now, imagine trying to do that while you're unable to keep still. I don't just mean you fidget sometimes. I mean you literally can not keep your body from twitching. Not only is it inconvenient, it hurts. It feels like the skin is about to vibrate off of my bones. Everything I used to do, I can't do normally anymore. I can't use normal silverware. I can't use non-flexible straws. I can't have fragile things. I cant climb stairs. I can't pull a shirt over my head without a struggle. Everything. I took everything for granted and then it was violently robbed from me.
I could've made this a 10-book series but I'll spare the details haha. Thoughts are meant to be thought about, not pushed down because you're too scared to feel those feelings. Take some time to just be with yourself today/night. Get in a private spot, and just let the thoughts roll in. Feel all of those feelings and let the dark in for even just a moment.
