pennydrop
New Member
- Apr 10, 2024
- 3
I can't take this existence anymore. Fucked up family situation. Dad was an alcoholic growing up. My childhood was ruined by my sister, and even as an adult she has my dad wrapped around her little finger. He raises her 6 kids, she fucks off and does drugs until she gets knocked up again. She's 35 and never had her shit together. My mom travels for work because its the only job that pays enough to support all those children. Me being the youngest, I was forced to raise them until I moved out with my brother in high school. They love me because I'm the only stable adult in their life. But I'm fucking exhausted.
There's nothing here for me. I have no life. I have no desire for a life. Friendships end and lovers come and go. When people realize how fucked I am in the head, they distance themselves and I don't blame them. My family thinks I'm stable and happy, only because they never listened when I begged for help. I attempted before I moved out, and that got them to lay off a bit. But they never took me seriously. God forbid I mention anything to my mother. Then it's "I didn't know your childhood was so traumatizing, depression isn't real." She shared with me when I was 10 how she wanted to walk in front of a semi, but when I say I dont think I can do this anymore, I'm being dramatic and should just make a doctors appointment.
In every aspect of my life, I'm the hard worker, dry humor making everyone laugh. Dependable. I make fucking peanuts but that doesnt stop my dad from asking me for money. In every aspect of my life I am useful, but not appreciated. No one checks on me. Just a fucking piggy bank or a work horse. A place to stick your dick in or get high with. Not a person. Probably my fault. I dont feel like a person nowadays. I dont think I ever have.
My head has been swirling with thoughts. I fantasize about driving away. Maybe stop by the police station, explain I'm leaving of my own accord, just so they don't waste resources, or try to stop me. Turning off my phone, or tossing it completely. drain my bank accounts and just drive. I think about buying a gun. Its hard to eat or sleep. I think about passing out at work, just to get a sliver of concern. I've been dosing myself with visine, and it makes me feel sick and weak, but after consuming 10 bottles over the course of 2 months, I dont think it's going to do anything long term. I dream about being hospitalized, laid up in a bed with machines breathing for me. Just to have a moment of rest and unawareness. I think about asking my plug for something stronger to OD on. Standing on an overpass or a bridge. Making a political statement with my useless life and setting myself on fire. I've thought of everything.
It's not just my life. It's this whole fucked up world. The things that are supposed to give us meaning, pursuing our dreams, they feel like unattainable consolation prizes.
Nothing brings me joy. In the grand scheme of things, our western world is powered by slave labor, exploitation of other countries resources. I cant even eat a chocolate bar without thinking about the pain and suffering that went into it. I think I developed hyperempathy to cope with the idea that no one cares about me. I cant stand the idea of treating others as callously as I have been, making them feel the way I feel.
When it comes down to it though, I want them all to suffer. I want my father to cry for failing me. I want my mother to understand the pain she let me suffer through alone. I want my siblings to understand the consequences of pushing your burdens onto others. I don't know if I want them to question if I'm out there, alive living my best life, or for them to have the closure that I'm gone forever.
These feelings come and go, but its getting worse. Its getting harder to push down and keep trucking. Theres less motivation for me to keep going for a thankless existence.
Sorry for the wall of text. TL;DR I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.
There's nothing here for me. I have no life. I have no desire for a life. Friendships end and lovers come and go. When people realize how fucked I am in the head, they distance themselves and I don't blame them. My family thinks I'm stable and happy, only because they never listened when I begged for help. I attempted before I moved out, and that got them to lay off a bit. But they never took me seriously. God forbid I mention anything to my mother. Then it's "I didn't know your childhood was so traumatizing, depression isn't real." She shared with me when I was 10 how she wanted to walk in front of a semi, but when I say I dont think I can do this anymore, I'm being dramatic and should just make a doctors appointment.
In every aspect of my life, I'm the hard worker, dry humor making everyone laugh. Dependable. I make fucking peanuts but that doesnt stop my dad from asking me for money. In every aspect of my life I am useful, but not appreciated. No one checks on me. Just a fucking piggy bank or a work horse. A place to stick your dick in or get high with. Not a person. Probably my fault. I dont feel like a person nowadays. I dont think I ever have.
My head has been swirling with thoughts. I fantasize about driving away. Maybe stop by the police station, explain I'm leaving of my own accord, just so they don't waste resources, or try to stop me. Turning off my phone, or tossing it completely. drain my bank accounts and just drive. I think about buying a gun. Its hard to eat or sleep. I think about passing out at work, just to get a sliver of concern. I've been dosing myself with visine, and it makes me feel sick and weak, but after consuming 10 bottles over the course of 2 months, I dont think it's going to do anything long term. I dream about being hospitalized, laid up in a bed with machines breathing for me. Just to have a moment of rest and unawareness. I think about asking my plug for something stronger to OD on. Standing on an overpass or a bridge. Making a political statement with my useless life and setting myself on fire. I've thought of everything.
It's not just my life. It's this whole fucked up world. The things that are supposed to give us meaning, pursuing our dreams, they feel like unattainable consolation prizes.
Nothing brings me joy. In the grand scheme of things, our western world is powered by slave labor, exploitation of other countries resources. I cant even eat a chocolate bar without thinking about the pain and suffering that went into it. I think I developed hyperempathy to cope with the idea that no one cares about me. I cant stand the idea of treating others as callously as I have been, making them feel the way I feel.
When it comes down to it though, I want them all to suffer. I want my father to cry for failing me. I want my mother to understand the pain she let me suffer through alone. I want my siblings to understand the consequences of pushing your burdens onto others. I don't know if I want them to question if I'm out there, alive living my best life, or for them to have the closure that I'm gone forever.
These feelings come and go, but its getting worse. Its getting harder to push down and keep trucking. Theres less motivation for me to keep going for a thankless existence.
Sorry for the wall of text. TL;DR I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.
