Discussion your thoughts on my wanting to ctb

[shosan]

hi,

i want your thoughts on if i should consider ctb because of who i am. i am a horrible person and have done horrible things that i cant talk about in this forum. ever since these things occured, i have felt like a stranger in my own home with my family. i dont feel like i deserve to live here and still recieve the love that i do from my family members. i know that the love im receiving is true when it comes from my family but i just cant shake off the things that ive done and am constantly reminded by them which results in me questioning whether or not i deserve that love.

i have thought about what would happen if i cbt due to the things that i have done and because of the headaches that i believe i could cause because of me existing. but, im afraid of my parents reactions, i know what they will be and do not want to see them that way. i feel immensely guilty for the thought of what my death would put them through and it has prevented me from what i believe i want to do. additionally, i have accomplished nothing. in the pursuit of wanting things i have never found something that i truly want. i always do things for others and take on hobbies that will please others and not myself. im tired of pleasing people and not being worth anything and i feel as though that is my entire worth. i come home everyday and do the same routine with no progress towards anything in mind. i feel as though i am writing this out of attention and that all of my actions are out of attention. i love attention and hate that i do. im paranoid of the police and any form of government. i get anxious when i see a black sedan. i am a horrible person for the things i have done and dont feel as though i will ever escape the thoughts as they constantly appear and remind me of who i truly am. i am sorry that i cannot explain further. i do not see myself going far in life nor do i enjoy any of my pastimes

basically, i feel as though i should ctb but feel immensely guilty for the pain it will cause and put on my parents. it would be nicer if their was a that did not involve that kind of reaction from anyone, in a way a way to just disappear. is ctb worth the pain that it will cause and should i consider it, idk? i hate who i have become and cannot escape my past self no matter what i do and would love to know.
this felt more like a rant and im sorry and i feel as though i did it out of attention and im sorry for that.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Hello and welcome to the forum. I'm sorry for what you are going through. We all make mistakes in life. I suppose- to feel guilty about them shows that we aren't that person anymore. Honestly- I doubt many people would see death as a fitting punishment for all but the absolutely worst of things- like multiple murder and child abuse. I doubt you are guilty of that. I also doubt your parents in particular would see it as a fitting punishment- whatever you've done.

I can understand you don't feel worthy of their love- because you feel so bad. Ultimately though- they clearly do love you and have probably forgiven you themselves. I guess all you can do is make sure you never repeat the behaviour.

Do you think life could get better for you? Could you focus on some things you want alongside trying to please others?

If I'm honest- I feel like anyone who is asking whether they should consider suicide- needs to think a lot more about it on their own. For me- it's an utterly personal decision. I think maybe you need to really think why you want to do it. Does every part of you see no future in life and want to die? Or, is it more that you're finding it hard to live with the guilt of whatever happened? I'm guessing you have done all you can to apologise and try and make ammends for it?

 

[Dead Already]

You seem very young, what could you have possibly done to feel this way?
Rhetorical,
The choice to CTB is yours and yours alone as most on this site believe and will agree.

It's a decision that brings many questions, my opinion for you, based on the read.....

Look into the mirror, say the words "I forgive myself", say them over and over again till you have forgiven youself.
It's easy to self hate and lie to youself in your mind, not so easy staring into your own eyes.

Once that you have forgiven yourself, you will have new perspective to think this all through, CTB is permanent.
Yes, you will do/leave damage upon others upon the action.

You owe it to yourself, no one else,
YOURSELF, to have as clear a mind and open perspective as possible to make this kind of decision.

Most on this site have exhausted all other options, health, mental health, experience ect.

I would also recommend that you share more of your story on this forum for clear response from others.
No one will judge you here.

This is my opinion based on very little information.
I respect your right to choose either way.
I hope this helps you in some small way Shosan.

Good luck

 

[AntHills]

Your honesty is incredibly admirable, and I think (I hope) I understand exactly what you're going through, and where your guilt stems from. We share the same paranoia of authority, and the same guilt for having done things that we dare not mention on the forum. If you want to private message, I can tell you about the things I've done, what I've put myself through, and why I feel like I don't deserve love, to hopefully put your heart and mind at ease a bit. And you don't have to reciprocate, or even reply, if you aren't comfortable with it. But either way, I sincerely understand how you feel, and I don't think either of us are obligated to CTB even though it seems like the only way out. You're still a good person in my eyes

 

[shosan]

Thank you all for the responses. They honestly made me tear up a bit and give more thought as to who I am currently. It is also nice to know that their are others who have had and share similar experiences in regards to guilt. Thank you all.

 

[Already Gone now]

I totally understand what you might be going through, I live with the guilt and shame of my past and the lonely hopeless feelings I have recounting them. I speak for myself when I say that I know people will rejoice when I go. I've been cutting ties with everything that I care about and I just pray that I have a quick passing that will be painless. With my debt that I feel I owe the people and the world around me to disappear and just get on with it. I wish I had words to help you with, but I'm not helping the matter trying to associate with your issues. I did however reach out because I can understand what you might be going through and you're not alone. I hope you find a solution that is for your betterment.