Discussion Your feelings about suicide?

[jayceyyqo]

How do you feel when you think about or plan suicide? Personally I feel excited planning how I would attempt. It's fun for me to think about suicide.

 

[heyhoherewego]

i used to feel excited when i was considering all my plans, and running through contingencies, and thinking about all the different notes and scheduled messages id leave detailing instructions. then the day came.
writing a suicide note is a fucking atrocity of an experience. wrote so many bullshit notes until i just decided to write some tiny passage explaining basically nothing and called it quits. then spent hours making my setup (felt absolutely NO pleasure from that)
then standing there with the noose around your neck, trying again and again to muster up the courage and failing. horrible.
then sitting and coping thinking about how you failed.

now that ive experienced what its actually like, planning is a chore.
as for thinking about death itself, its also not fun.
death isnt 'bliss' it isnt 'peace' it isnt 'eternal sleep' its just nothing. nothing at all. completely unintuitive, eerie and hard to grasp concept for any human mind, once i was staring death in its eyes it was nowhere near as comforting as id thought it would be. it was actually quite daunting
atleast for me, no aspect about this is fun. but i still have to do it, some day.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

First time: no emotion at all (wasn't capable of crying at the time) I wrote a very short note in 5 minutes and it only was because I wanted to specify I wanted to be cremated and no services.
2nd time: I was able to cry again, so I cried hysterically through that experience. I tinkered with the note I wrote for about two weeks. Much more emotional overall.
Now I'm super nervous if I think about any possible attempt in the future.
However, in general for just the subject of suicide, sometimes I feel like I'm completely obsessed with it.

 

[divinemistress36]

Scary and planning is a huge chore
I believe in an afterlife so thats comforting at least

 

[Adûnâi]

If I'm realistic, I'm thinking of two things - 1) the pain in the moment (SN); 2) any possible political changes that I might be missing just around the corner.

I don't view death as nothing, I view it as unknowable. Beyond a description with words. Sure, I've been pondering whether Nothingness can exist. But we don't even know whether this death is a proper death. Or whether proper death is even possible at all.

(I for one don't seem to be properly wary of life, so I would accept another reincarnation, but please on a "higher plane of existence" where I don't have to take showers, sleep and shit, those bodily functions are annoying and pointless, thank you (and also fuck you (this is addressed to the deity responsible)).)

 

[wren-briar]

It has been my desired way to die since I understood the concept of death.

Planning and anticipating it was a very, very useful coping technique for me.

When self-righteous, sanctimonious, supposed MH "providers" interjected themselves while I was seeking exclusively and unbiased medical care -care that had it actually been provided, would have given me a reason to continue living- and instead, those supposed MH "professionals" denied me that exclusively and unbiased medical care, and instead subjected me to unasked for, unwanted, unneeded, pleaded for them to stop, pleaded for them not to subject me to, and exclusively trauma-inducing mother-f'ing psychiatric crisis f'ing interventings, they made me actively suicidal.

I will be CTB because -as a direct and explicit response to their unasked for, unwanted, unneeded, and exclusively trauma-inducing mother-f'ing psychiatric crisis f'ing interventings - and I don't care how many times I have try nor what methods I have to try. They could have given me the care that I explicitly asked for -and the care which alone would have given me a reason to continue focusing on life- or they could have denied me that care and subjected me to what they did, thereby proving this is no longer a world I will ever truly feel safe in and making suicide the only thing that I would ever again seriously pursue.

I honestly can't wait to cease existing in the world this world!

 

[Demian]

1 - I feel very sad about the pain I'm going to cause my family and the few friends I have

2 - Fear of going wrong and being permanently damaged

3 - Fear of what will happen after death

4 - Fear of feeling a lot of pain or serious discomfort

5 - Relief in knowing that there is this exit (ctb) and that I have the ticket in my hands(SN)

6 - I feel very sad to have reached this point

 

[cohomology]

Really hate the idea of suicide as a thing, I just want to stop existing. Wish it was easier.

 

[FuneralCry]

Ceasing to exist is all I hope and wish for in my case, I'd never wish to suffer in this existence no matter what, instead I just wish for peace from all the cruelty and suffering. To me personally existence just feels like a terrible tragic mistake that just brings so much suffering and no matter what I'd prefer to not exist than to prolong the suffering just to end up tortured and tormented by old age, I'd always prefer to die but really I wish I never suffered at all.

 

[Reflection]

Thinking about it makes me feel both comfort and dread...I'd rather live to be honest, it's just the lesser evil for me.

 

[SixNeufUn]

Doubt, uncertainties. I never 'planned' a suicide before. Every attempt I made was on impulse that day. There was no trigger lr anything. I would just decide this will be this day but again my method were unlikely to work and I honestly had no idea what I was doing. So I am glad I never acted on them. Nah I acted on them but I got lucky or there was a point of return.

Here I am taking a more serious approach of ctb and I don't particularly feel anything. I am much more focus on people not discovering my plan and everything goes as I intended. I never felt something until the moment to act. It will be instering to answer again when the day comes. I will keep that in my notes

 

[Tac0Johnz]

it depends really, if its my family, then I want them to live because i love them even if they're suffering because I can't imagine my life without them(selfish I know) but if its a stranger or a friend then I'm wishing they found the peace and relief they deserved) ironic cause im going to leave behind my siblings even if we were really close

 

[lv-nii]

i used to feel excited when i was considering all my plans, and running through contingencies, and thinking about all the different notes and scheduled messages id leave detailing instructions. then the day came.
writing a suicide note is a fucking atrocity of an experience. wrote so many bullshit notes until i just decided to write some tiny passage explaining basically nothing and called it quits. then spent hours making my setup (felt absolutely NO pleasure from that)
then standing there with the noose around your neck, trying again and again to muster up the courage and failing. horrible.
then sitting and coping thinking about how you failed.

now that ive experienced what its actually like, planning is a chore.
as for thinking about death itself, its also not fun.
death isnt 'bliss' it isnt 'peace' it isnt 'eternal sleep' its just nothing. nothing at all. completely unintuitive, eerie and hard to grasp concept for any human mind, once i was staring death in its eyes it was nowhere near as comforting as id thought it would be. it was actually quite daunting
atleast for me, no aspect about this is fun. but i still have to do it, some day.

I sympathize with you on that point, that feeling of putting together the courage, all the effort and planning that one does, and not doing it, it feels... empty

 

[Unknown21]

i used to feel excited when i was considering all my plans, and running through contingencies, and thinking about all the different notes and scheduled messages id leave detailing instructions. then the day came.
writing a suicide note is a fucking atrocity of an experience. wrote so many bullshit notes until i just decided to write some tiny passage explaining basically nothing and called it quits. then spent hours making my setup (felt absolutely NO pleasure from that)
then standing there with the noose around your neck, trying again and again to muster up the courage and failing. horrible.
then sitting and coping thinking about how you failed.

now that ive experienced what its actually like, planning is a chore.
as for thinking about death itself, its also not fun.
death isnt 'bliss' it isnt 'peace' it isnt 'eternal sleep' its just nothing. nothing at all. completely unintuitive, eerie and hard to grasp concept for any human mind, once i was staring death in its eyes it was nowhere near as comforting as id thought it would be. it was actually quite daunting
atleast for me, no aspect about this is fun. but i still have to do it, some day.

Totally agree.

 

[WildAtHeart]

Absolutely fucking miserable. I passively think about suicide every day, every hour. I've tried twice in the past which both obviously failed. I don't plan to kill myself but my god it's tempting. Constantly thinking about it is exhausting, yk looking at every fast moving car and thinking what my crippled body would look like if I just stepped one step into the road, looking at any tree and thinking what my body would look like strung up-to it, looking at my razor blades when I cut and thinking what if i just cut up and deep, and so on. Sadly I can't kill myself because I would leave too many broken people behind, my gf would kill herself if I did. Ik it's dumb because I would be dead, but I just can't bring myself to do it. It's exhausting.

 

[ctbsd24]

So many thoughts/feelings. Guilt over the pain and confusion I'm going to cause basically everyone I know. Regret that I let it get to this point and I never fully embraced life or attempted to reach my potential. Fear because I don't know what comes next, if anything. Excitement/relief because I know there's a way out for me. Stress because I don't want to screw up my method. Etc.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

i used to feel excited when i was considering all my plans, and running through contingencies, and thinking about all the different notes and scheduled messages id leave detailing instructions. then the day came.
writing a suicide note is a fucking atrocity of an experience. wrote so many bullshit notes until i just decided to write some tiny passage explaining basically nothing and called it quits. then spent hours making my setup (felt absolutely NO pleasure from that)
then standing there with the noose around your neck, trying again and again to muster up the courage and failing. horrible.
then sitting and coping thinking about how you failed.

now that ive experienced what its actually like, planning is a chore.
as for thinking about death itself, its also not fun.
death isnt 'bliss' it isnt 'peace' it isnt 'eternal sleep' its just nothing. nothing at all. completely unintuitive, eerie and hard to grasp concept for any human mind, once i was staring death in its eyes it was nowhere near as comforting as id thought it would be. it was actually quite daunting
atleast for me, no aspect about this is fun. but i still have to do it, some day.

As for death itself, I think it's like when you go under anesthesia. One second you're awake then gone. When they wake you up, you have no memory or recollection of when you were unconscious. I think of death like that without the waking up part.

 

[EmptyCurtainCall]

I'm anticipating it so much but the tachycardia that usually comes w sn makes me feel like i'll get so scared from the pace of my heart that i'll end up having a heart attack ... makes me so nervous ... i'm sure benzos and weed will help me tho

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I hate having to plan suicide. I don't want to go through suicide, I just want to be dead. I love the idea of being dead but not the process of getting there. I also hate at how there's nothing I can do to kill myself unless if I do something super, super extreme like running as far away as I can during the day and drowning myself late at night. I want to be dead because I'm sick and tired of having to go through all of these bullshit challenges, hardship and suffering in life. I hate that, for me, suicide is yet another hardship and suffering to overcome all because these fucking idiotic, brainless pro lifers love the idea of prolonging a life for as long as possible. All of my suffering could have been prevented if euthanasia was legal but, no, we live in a pro suffering society meaning that euthanasia will never be legal for people like me

 

[Emeralds]

When I did research and planned everything out, I was calm. I think that it distracted me.When I think about going through with it, I get anxious and scared.. Well I did for along time, but now I feel calmer about it.

 

[Arachno]

Thinking about suicide used to make me feel a bit excited but that's gone, I've realized that suicide is extremely hard to go through for a person like me, I have made no plans or progress whatsover towards killing myself. I haven't fully gotten over my fear of death either and for me death lesser evil I actually wish I could be here for a bit longer, but considering my physical health staying here for too long will eventually result in me living with terrible pain and health issues and even if I don't CTB, I don't think I'm gonna live for too long.

 

[lnlybnny]

most times i get very anxious because of the process. but the outcome will probably be worth it, hopefully. right now i'm still gathering courage to even buy my kit

 

[guitarsteve]

Obsessed to the point of sickness.

 

[JustAnx]

Me being me. I get mostly anxious.
I get no joy about thinking about it, i haven't got a plan yet, though i do have one of the items necessary for the method. But i do feel trapped and hopeless and pessimistic about a change in my life that would make me rule out ctb completely.

 

[anopenwound]

Hate to have to do it, love the idea of not existing anymore.