Discussion Your experiences of trying to make friends/acquaintances before you found yourself here?

[StevieNixs]

I stopped being social a number of years ago, and have grown used to and prefer being alone. I have ZERO desire to go to a coffee shop, bar, restaurant, cinema, with anyone. I have ZERO desire for anyone to come to my house for a "cup of tea or coffee". I really want to be left alone - but throughout the time that I felt this way, members of my family have tried to make me feel as if I am abnormal. As if my desire not to want to be around people is odd, a cause for concern, and, contributing towards my negative state of mind. I tried to explain that I find people for the most part, dangerous and deleterious to my mental health and well being. Evidently, they do not understand.
But about two years ago, I thought I would give it a shot. Try and engage in this whole friendship, or at least acquaintance phenomenon. Of course, I was proven right. My initial assertions that people are problematic were correct.

1) I met a woman in a supermarket about two years ago. We got chatting and swapped numbers. I offered to take her to the supermarket again a few days later as she could not drive, she had suffered a stroke at a relatively young age. So I took her to the supermarket at about 1pm. We sat in the restaurant upstairs whilst SHE waited for the supermarket staff to reduce the food prices. 4pm came, 5pm, 6pm. The staff reduced the food she wanted by 50%. No she wanted it reduced more, so insisted on waiting for longer. I explained that I needed to go home, she insisted I needed to stay or she would have no means of getting home. 7pm came, 8pm, 9pm. By this stage I was becoming upset. Eight hours in a damned supermarket and she was completely selfish in her determination to make me wait until the shop closed and she could get her produce for 5 cents/pence/euros whatever. The supermarket did not reduce the prices any further.. I took her home, refused to answer any more calls from her and then blocked her number so she could not phone me again.

2) Went to another store about eight months later. A woman in a car park - much older than me - asked me if I could work out what was wrong with her car - the battery light was on, so I said - "I have no idea, maybe you need a new battery". She asked if I knew of a garage. I did. I drove there and she followed me in her car. When we go there, she decided she did not like the price of the new battery and would instead "phone someone she already knew who worked for a car battery manufacturer". Fair enough. I didn't think anything of it. We got talking. She seemed nice. Told me she had eight kids. Told me she had moved about an hour away from them after her husband died. That confused me - at her age, why move away from your only support system? I felt sorry for her. We swapped mobile numbers. About a week later, she asked me to drive her to near to where her children lived to take her to a department store to query some store gift voucher she had been. I asked her why she could not call the store. Then she said she wanted me to take her to the hospital for some scan she needed. She had a car of her own - now working - and eight children but she kept phoning me up almost every day asking me to do something for her... all of this whilst I was feeling like shit. She would also phone me to talk for an nour about her back and her daughter's issue with her throat. It was a completely one way conversation. I blocked her number as well.

There are other instances. People say that it safer to befriend people offline, but my experiences online have been just as negative and bizarre. If people want friends - good for them. I'm happy for them. But I am not going to allow people into my life again. I want to be alone and I see nothing wrong with this. People to me are quite honestly, walking units of destruction.

 

[eternalpeace]

I stopped being social a number of years ago, and have grown used to and prefer being alone. I have ZERO desire to go to a coffee shop, bar, restaurant, cinema, with anyone. I have ZERO desire for anyone to come to my house for a "cup of tea or coffee". I really want to be left alone - but throughout the time that I felt this way, members of my family have tried to make me feel as if I am abnormal. As if my desire not to want to be around people is odd, a cause for concern, and, contributing towards my negative state of mind. I tried to explain that I find people for the most part, dangerous and deleterious to my mental health and well being. Evidently, they do not understand.
But about two years ago, I thought I would give it a shot. Try and engage in this whole friendship, or at least acquaintance phenomenon. Of course, I was proven right. My initial assertions that people are problematic was correct.

1) I met a woman in a supermarket about two years ago. We got chatting and swapped numbers. I offered to take her to the supermarket again a few days later as she could not drive, she had suffered a stroke at a relatively young age. So I took her to the supermarket at about 1pm. We sat in the restaurant upstairs whilst SHE waited for the supermarket staff to reduce the food prices. 4pm came, 5pm, 6pm. The staff reduced the food she wanted by 50%. No she wanted it reduced more, so insisted on waiting for longer. I explained that I needed to go home, she insisted I needed to stay or she would have no means of getting home. 6pm came, 7pm, 8pm, 9pm. By this stage I was becoming upset. Eight hours in a damned supermarket and she was completely selfish in her determination to make me wait until the shop closed and she could get her produce for 5 cents/pence/euros whatever. The supermarket did not reduce the prices any further.. I took her home, refused to answer any more calls from her and then blocked her number so she could not phone me again.

2) Went to another store about eight months later. A woman in a car park - much older than me - asked me if I could work out what was wrong with her car - the battery light was on, so I said - "I have no idea, maybe you need a new battery". She asked if I knew of a garage. I did. I drove there and she followed me in her car. When we go there, she decided she did not like the price of the new battery and would instead "phone someone she already knew who worked for a car battery manufacturer". Fair enough. I didn't think anything of it. We got talking. She seemed nice. Told me she had eight kids. Told me she had moved away about an hour away from them after her husband died. I felt sorry for her. We swapped mobile numbers. About a week later, she asked me to drive her to near to where her children lived to take her to a department store to query some store git voucher she had been given as a gift. I asked her why she could not call them. Then she said she wanted me to take her to the hospital for some scan she needed. She had a car of her own - now working - and eight children but she kept phoning me up almost every day asking me to do something for her... all of this whilst I was feeling like shit. She would also phone me to talk for an nour about her back and her daughter's issue with her throat. It was a completely one way conversation. I blocked her number as well.

There are other instances. People say that it safer to befriend people offline, but my experiences online have been just as negative and bizarre. If people want friends - good for them. I'm happy for them. But I am not going to allow people into my life again. I want to be alone and I see nothing wrong with this. People to me are quite honestly, walking units of destruction.

Wow, that's intense. I too am not interested in socializing. I used to be a very "fun" person, gregarious and always talking. But even then I needed a lot of "alone" time to recharge, and I always preferred to go out to eat alone and to go to the cinema alone. (In a restaurant, I want to focus on my food, not conversation. I also don't want people judging what I'm eating. At thé cinéma, i like to immerse myself in the experience. Other people always make noise. They laugh at things that aren't funny, and they slurp their drinks and rustle their food bags around!). Many people have not learned to appreciate their own company. I didn't even learn that there are people who won't even go to the movies or a sit-down restaurant alone until I was in my mid twenties, and I was honestly shocked that there are people who feel that way. I just never thought anything of it.

I have never been someone with a lot of friends. I am friendly and can usually get along well enough with people, but have always been on the periphery of social groups, or had maybe a few good friends at a time. I never made much effort in friendships. I always waited for other people to come to me. There are at least two instances that I know of where the other person wanted to be my friend but was disappointed when I didn't match their efforts. I was totally oblivious to this fact, and was very surprised to learn that I had done something wrong.

There were times in my life when I did try harder to make friends, and while it worked to a certain degree, somehow the friendships all pretty much faded over the years. I suppose for the most part they were "normal" enough friendships, but they never felt all that close, and I never really felt anyone actually understood me. Since I do appreciate my own company, I don't need superficial friends. If there's no real connection, I'm not interested in spending time with someone just to avoid being alone.

I had an experience with a woman who I thought was like a long lost sister to me. We got along instantly, and had some really good times together. I felt like I could tell her anything. I even confided in her about suicide, and she had a bit of a saviour complex, so she tried to "save" me. She even had me come live with her and her husband for a few months. I finally thought I had found a "real" friend, like they show on tv and in the movies. Everything was great until it wasn't. I knew the whole situation was a time bomb, especially when she started worrying about my salt intake(!), but I liked having someone care about me. Inevitably, she realized she couldn't save me, and she had burnt herself out trying, and never wanted to talk to me again. (Well, ok, that's not entirely true: she tried to maintain a superficial relationship and asked me to coffee once, but it felt stilted and awful. I did try to reach out to her once after that, but she never responded to the email I sent, so I never contacted her again.)

I also made a friend in group therapy once, and it was a disaster. It started out fine, but then she just wanted more than I was able to give. She would call all the time. Once she called the day that prospective employers were to call candidates after recruitment. This was back before caller Id was ubiquitous, and I didn't have it (or call waiting), and she phoned right at the beginning of the day to see if I had any offers! I was like, no you need to get off the phone so I can answer it! She wanted me to come visit her while she was staying at a short-term transition house. I went and she was holding a teddy bear, wearing PJs with feet. (She was in her 40s at the time). She was just so vulnerable, and she needed so much in terms of time and attention. She wanted to be on the phone with me or physically with me every minute of every day. I eventually cut off contact because she wasn't respecting boundaries. I didn't feel very good about it, given that I know how much she was suffering, but I just wasn't prepared to deal with it.

 

[StevieNixs]

Wow, that's intense. I too am not interested in socializing. I used to be a very "fun" person, gregarious and always talking. But even then I needed a lot of "alone" time to recharge, and I always preferred to go out to eat alone and to go to the cinema alone. (In a restaurant, I want to focus on my food, not conversation. I also don't want people judging what I'm eating. At thé cinéma, i like to immerse myself in the experience. Other people always make noise. They laugh at things that aren't funny, and they slurp their drinks and rustle their food bags around!). Many people have not learned to appreciate their own company. I didn't even learn that there are people who won't even go to the movies or a sit-down restaurant alone until I was in my mid twenties, and I was honestly shocked that there are people who feel that way. I just never thought anything of it.

You sound similar to me. When I used to go out - for something other than food - I would go to the movies alone, the cinema alone, the theatre alone, museums and galleries alone. I also used to holiday alone. I loved it - but people seemed to feel sorry for me especially holidaying alone, but I chose to go abroad by myself for three reasons. One, I do not enjoy sitting on beaches, it is boring, and most people I know wanted to do this. Two, I like unusual and often dangerous locations, which other people did not. Three, I like my own company.

I am sorry about the experience with the woman who wanted to save you. I have one experience with talking about my issues which was when I had an eating disorder - Anorexia, and told a close friend. He stopped all contact with me and said he didn't want his daughter to develop an eating disorder because of me. I never influenced anyone else. Never would have. He did not understand it and thought that people with eating disorders go about forcing other people to lose weight. Later, whenever I have tried to tell other people about my feelings - they simply say something along the lines of "Really.. " and then spend the next few hours talking about themselves and their problems. I rarely get a word in edgeways. I simply stopped talking about my issues.

I also would try not to feel bad about cutting of contact with the woman who wasn't respecting your boundaries. People can be draining.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I actually make friends fairly easily since I guess being so abusive towards myself often gets confused for being humble and respectful when in reality all my friends are just a means of temporary companionship to keep me afloat in my eyes. I don't really feel like I have any true friends I can relate to even though some of my friends might feel otherwise. No matter how fun it is to hang around any of them, they're still not enough to be even a slight factor in convincing me not to CTB. I don't care if it ruins them or destroys their lives, I will die because it's good for the world overall. The same can be said about all members of my family, even the people in it that I don't hate.

 

[TheHatedOne]

I haven't really been able to make friends offline because I'm instantly disliked and pushed away.

Online, let's say I succeeded for some time during my teens, although all of them were fake and were talking to me only when they needed something from me. The other way around they would just disappear. With most of them Iwas only joking around anyway and never had more of a serious conversation or get to know better. The only person who wasn't fake was my first best friend ever, however I was stupid and ended the friendship after 4 years because I had all kinds of doubts. Still regret to this day.

Then, since 2015 until last year, a total of 6 years I've tried to find friends on Reddit and occasionally other places. Never managed to make long time friendships. There were some who were actually nice but we just drifted away because, I guess, that happens?

But most of them were simply awful, rude, mean, and many made fun of my suffering. I even met sociopaths and sadists. And then, one particular experience left me scarred.

But I kept trying because I was stupid. Didn't find anything in the end, or, actually...

In 2021 I met the second best friend I ever had. It was a very nice experience and the guy was very similar to me but more misanthropic and grumpy. Also had George Carlin style of humor.

However, it didn't last much, like all the good things in life. We had an argument which kinda destroyed the friendship and we didn't talk for some time. I then gathered courage to message him, and when he actually responded I cried. We've been talking not that much because he had huge health problems and one of his pets died.
Then, he suddenly stopped replying, after his last message where he told me to not give up no matter how hard life gets. Haven't heard of him ever since. I messaged throughout the months a couple of times, nothing. I don't know what happened and I'm still wondering to this day. I've made some posts about this and stating that I miss him.

In 2017, I met a guy and a girl on a MMORPG browser game. They were from the same country as me. At one point we formed a group and had a lot of fun in game. I never thought that they would actually be similar to me and struggle in life and have depression. I was shocked that night when I learnt it. We were talking outside the game too. I had a closer friendship with the guy.
Too many happenings with these two but I'm not going to bother writing all the details because no one would care and I'm also too lazy.
But, the girl turned out to be fake, she also had a very unlikable personality and was salivating about another guy while she was already in a relationship. The guy replaced me with someone "better" in summer 2018 and he directly told me this.

So yeah, that's pretty much all. Very boring, but still got hurt by these experiences. I guess its better to be alone.

 

[eternalpeace]

You sound similar to me. When I used to go out - for something other than food - I would go to the movies alone, the cinema alone, the theatre alone, museums and galleries alone. I also used to holiday alone. I loved it - but people seemed to feel sorry for me especially holidaying alone, but I chose to go abroad by myself for three reasons. One, I do not enjoy sitting on beaches, it is boring, and most people I know wanted to do this. Two, I like unusual and often dangerous locations, which other people did not. Three, I like my own company.

I am sorry about the experience with the woman who wanted to save you. I have one experience with talking about my issues which was when I had an eating disorder - Anorexia, and told a close friend. He stopped all contact with me and said he didn't want his daughter to develop an eating disorder because of me. I never influenced anyone else. Never would have. He did not understand it and thought that people with eating disorders go about forcing other people to lose weight. Later, whenever I have tried to tell other people about my feelings - they simply say something along the lines of "Really.. " and then spend the next few hours talking about themselves and their problems. I rarely get a word in edgeways. I simply stopped talking about my issues.

I also would try not to feel bad about cutting of contact with the woman who wasn't respecting your boundaries. People can be draining.

I think we do have a lot in common! I have never travelled abroad (except a choir trip to England as a kid), but I have travelled on my own within the country, and it's the way to go. No arguing over where to eat, what to see, whether to take the early flight or the red-eye.

i also have an eating disorder, bulimia. I can stop eating for a three or four months but then I binge like crazy (with rather ineffective purging) In the ensuing months. People are notoriously difficult at trying to understand eating disorders.

 

[StevieNixs]

I think we do have a lot in common! I have never travelled abroad (except a choir trip to England as a kid), but I have travelled on my own within the country, and it's the way to go. No arguing over where to eat, what to see, whether to take the early flight or the red-eye.

i also have an eating disorder, bulimia. I can stop eating for a three or four months but then I binge like crazy (with rather ineffective purging) In the ensuing months. People are notoriously difficult at trying to understand eating disorders.

No longer Anorexic. Went from Anorexia to Bulimia to now EDNOS. Crappy whichever label we have..