Venting You won't even know if you succeed

[GoneAndForgotten]

As my time comes to a close I'm thinking about a multitude of different things. I've been suicidal for a long time now but I don't think I ever believed I could actually do it. With ordering my SN and getting the rest together I'm excited but terrified at the same time.

I'm going round my head that if all goes to plan there's nothing I can do to help those in my life, I won't live to see if I succeed, or tell them it's what I wanted. I'll only see my failures and that will drive me to succeed.

I find myself for the first time actually properly thinking about what happens after death, for me it seems most logical that there's nothing, no brain activity, no you. However I've always been a strong believer in reincarnation, I've toyed with theories and beliefes of it but even now I realise it doesn't matter, if I'm reincarnated I won't remember being me, I won't remember being depressed or what I've researched.

It doesn't matter if I leave a note or send delayed emails, because if I succeed I never see the results of it. I never see what could be. I had all these things planned for just before I CTB, clean my room to make it easier for my parents, make voicmails so my loved ones can still hear my voice, shave my legs so I die in a way that I felt confident in life. Really none of that matters, it's all something that I think of now as I try preserve some belief of myself that I have.

Given another chance I don't think I would go round again. I'll miss my loved ones a lot, I want to be able to let them know my plans, have them hug me and just have a final big goodbye, but I can't unfortunately, I'll tell them I love them and go off to sleep.

It's odd, I'm anxious, empty and excited for this, it's within touching reach.

 

[motel rooms]

I find myself for the first time actually properly thinking about what happens after death, for me it seems most logical that there's nothing, no brain activity, no you. However I've always been a strong believer in reincarnation

I'm sorry for what you're going through & I wish you relief, but how can you think that there's nothing after we die & still be a strong believer in reincarnation?

 

[GoneAndForgotten]

I'm sorry for what you're going through & I wish you relief, but how can you think that there's nothing after we die & still be a strong believer in reincarnation?

Because I'm holding onto hope that there's reincarnation, but if I think about it critically, a lack of brain activity means there would be nothing for me as I know myself.

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

Or if one gets stuck in a God damn coma. I'm fucking scared and so fucking pissed.

 

[motel rooms]

Because I'm holding onto hope that there's reincarnation, but if I think about it critically, a lack of brain activity means there would be nothing for me as I know myself.

Do you know that Hindus & Buddhists think that people who die by suicide get punished for it in their next life? I don't even believe in that crap, but I'm aware that they think of reincarnation as a curse & that their goal is to stop being reborn

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

Do you know that Hindus & Buddhists believe that people who die by suicide get punished for it in their next life? I don't even believe in that crap, but I'm aware that they think of reincarnation as a curse & that their goal is to stop being reborn

Who in the holy fuck would want to be alive in the year 3000? So many social problems exacerbated, inflation. There's no organization; there's no one deciding what billions of people will become. All religions don't like suicide to control.

 

[Pure]

Who in the holy fuck would want to be alive in the year 3000? So many social problems exacerbated, inflation. There's no organization; there's no one deciding what billions of people will become. All religions don't like suicide to control.

Yeah that's the infuriating aspect of religion. Lots of rules to maximize how miserable your life is but won't let you exit from that misery

 

[LastOfDays]

It's odd, I'm anxious, empty and excited for this, it's within touching reach.

Such an intense mix of very contradictory emotions.

I wish you luck and hope you find peace, no matter what happens, or what comes after this life.

 

[Dear Agony]

I've been having the same thoughts, and I relate a lot. But, life will be gone for me. I won't exist. But I know for a fact the people I know will go on. Life doesn't end for them. So I feel like I at least owe them a note with explanations.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

Who in the holy fuck would want to be alive in the year 3000? So many social problems exacerbated, inflation. There's no organization; there's no one deciding what billions of people will become. All religions don't like suicide to control.

I honestly don't think humanity makes it to 3000.

 

[GoneAndForgotten]

Do you know that Hindus & Buddhists think that people who die by suicide get punished for it in their next life? I don't even believe in that crap, but I'm aware that they think of reincarnation as a curse & that their goal is to stop being reborn

A lot of the anti-suicide aspects of religion stem from them nit wanting all of their members to die out. I wish I could have looked a bit more into Buddhism, there's some things that interest me but I only know the basics.

Yeah, the ultimate goal is to stop being reincarnated, but I wouldn't class myself as Hindu or Buddhist, plenty of other religious have some sort of aspect of reincarnation. I'm not sure, I guess being trans I've always hoped I could come back the way I want to look, but it doesn't work that way and once I'm dead being trans doesn't matter.

I've been having the same thoughts, and I relate a lot. But, life will be gone for me. I won't exist. But I know for a fact the people I know will go on. Life doesn't end for them. So I feel like I at least owe them a note with explanations.

I'm going to leave some notes, mainly expressing that I loved them. But I won't know if they even read them or if the world ends seconds after I ctb, any number of things could happen, but none of it would apply to me and I'd never know, because I'll be dead.

 

[motel rooms]

I wouldn't class myself as Hindu or Buddhist, plenty of other religious have some sort of aspect of reincarnation.

Such as?

 

[GoneAndForgotten]

Such as?

Well I'm Scottish so this is one I know off hand, however Celtic pagans believed that the soulds of "men" (humans rather than men) were immortal, and upon death, after a number of years your soul would transfer into another body.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do believe there is nothing after death and that thought brings me a lot of comfort personally. The thought of not existing is a wonderful one for me, that life will go on but I will not be aware of any of it. I think it is normal to have these conflicting emotions, I wish you peace if this is your choice.