You know what? I forgive myself, I was born shy, it's not my fault

[Busticket]

If you read my last few threads you know that one of the reasons I want to ctb is because I didn't manage to get that Australian girl.
What happened, is that in 2017 I lived in Brisbane Australia.
I met that girl through plentofish.
And at the first meeting, we walked in the park there for an hour talking, then she suggested to buy alcohol and go up to my apartment.
We sat in the bed and talked and drank alcohol.
And after an hour she said she is leaving.
In hindsight she probably wanted sex but I was too paralyzed from shyness to make it happen.
The next time it was Australia Day and we met at the public pool.
Inside the pool she tried to bring me closer with her legs a few times and I backed off each time.
Again, paralyzed from shyness.
After that time she ghosted me.
I will never know for sure why she decided to ghost me.
But my assumption of the whole saga is that she waa either offended or felt put off by my shyness and that is why she decided to call it quits and ghosted me ultimately.

And eversince I have been beating myself up and regretting not "making a move" on her in those moments.
But you know what?
I forgive myself.
It's not my fault.
I was born shy , especially with girls and in those moments the virus of shyness spread through my body in full force and paralyzed me and prevented me from touching/kissing her and starting sex.
There was nothing I could have done.
Shyness is a disease, a virus of the mind that cripples you and disables you in everything you do.
So I forgive myself.

Maybe in the next life I will not be born shy and when such opportunity will arise that time I actually will touch and kiss the girl.

 

[motel rooms]

You're right, it isn't your fault. We are who we are...

 

[Weary Soul]

I am sorry it did not work out for you.

Thing is you tried - without trying you would not have been able to get closure and move on, it may well have forever been a question of "what could have been.." And I am wracked by that painful thought wayyy too often - it is (at least for me), very hard to deal with those thoughts.

Seems to me (from what you wrote about her actions), she may not have been looking for a long-term relationship but a quickie or hook-up (sighs - I amkinda old, not sure what they call it today?) And you were looking for something else - it may well have been a mismatch from the beginning.

The following is total speculation on my part, but you mentioned shyness. The unconscious is a powerful thing, and maybe what you attribute to shyness was actually your unconscious picking up nonverbal clues and telling you that she wanted sex not a relationship whereas you wanted something different, and to prevent the pain after a more intimate experience, you did not act on it.

There are plenty of women out there, and as you are currently on that other bus cruising the road to recovery - you may just find someone else, someone else who fits you better and ultimately leads to a much better relationship in the future.

(I am also selfishly glad to see you back here - welcome back).

: )

 

[Alec]

You should forgive yourself, you deserve to be forgiven. Shyness can ruin lives, I know it ruined a lot for me too. Another thing, you tried, you went on two dates with her, in my eyes that makes you incredibly brave! It took a lot of strength to do that, well done!

 

[motel rooms]

Isn't there some dating app for shy people? There are plenty of decent shy people of all genders, why don't they give each other a chance?
I'm a gay top, so I don't pursue str8 guys even though I'd love to fuck them. Stop fantasizing about women you don't have the skills to deal with & find someone who likes your shy, introverted brain