I wrote this at least 1000 times but as a child/teenager I had to endure violence for over a decade. My mom (and partly my dad) abused me. This has fucked up my brain entirely. I am very fragile and vulnerable even average stress can trigger me. At the moment I am doing not well quite the contrast. I try to go to college but I am struggling a lot. I tried all sorts of work. Almost everything triggered me.
Last week was a catastrophe. I had to take a lot of benzos in order not to become psychotic despite the fact it was more or less an average day in college. Going to college is my dream. I really enjoy it. I like to learn new things, I am eager and I feel less socially isolated. But if the coming weeks will be the same as last week I have to quit it. It is more or less my last chance for getting a normal job. I tried myriads of different medication. They helped me but they can't prevent that performance stress triggers me so much.
Today I tried to study for some hours. But I had to stop it. It felt like I was becoming psychotic. I had some warning signs. This made me pretty depressed and sad. I don't want to leave college but maybe I have to.
My mom often asks me how I am doing. A long time ago I have stopped telling the truth. I often use euphemisms. My main answer is I am doing okay. I try to use neutral terms. She just asked me 2 hours ago again and I said I am really struggling. I told her that I am really sad because college makes me ill. I really feel quite heartbroken about it.
Her reply really made me mad. She told me she is losing her patience with me. (Because nothing what I try works.) Normally she claims she would care so much about my well-being. Though her comment fucked me up just more. She added I would just not want to go to college/ or that I would not want to feel better.. She probably knows that is a lie. It is her way to deal with the guilt that she destroyed me life. This statement upset me even more. I probably have to deal with once again such a huge setback and then she blames it on me.
For me this is the cynicism which I often describe. My life and many other people spit in my face. The people who have destroyed my life have way way more life quality than me. In contrast to that consists my future of poverty, depression and rational suicide. I am really desperate. Before that comment I just felt heartbroken and very sad. But now I feel also a lot of anger. Just fuck my life.
I am really scared about the coming weeks. I am feeling very vulnerable and fragile. I am really scared of becoming psychotic again. I feel like on the edge of that...
Last week was a catastrophe. I had to take a lot of benzos in order not to become psychotic despite the fact it was more or less an average day in college. Going to college is my dream. I really enjoy it. I like to learn new things, I am eager and I feel less socially isolated. But if the coming weeks will be the same as last week I have to quit it. It is more or less my last chance for getting a normal job. I tried myriads of different medication. They helped me but they can't prevent that performance stress triggers me so much.
Today I tried to study for some hours. But I had to stop it. It felt like I was becoming psychotic. I had some warning signs. This made me pretty depressed and sad. I don't want to leave college but maybe I have to.
My mom often asks me how I am doing. A long time ago I have stopped telling the truth. I often use euphemisms. My main answer is I am doing okay. I try to use neutral terms. She just asked me 2 hours ago again and I said I am really struggling. I told her that I am really sad because college makes me ill. I really feel quite heartbroken about it.
Her reply really made me mad. She told me she is losing her patience with me. (Because nothing what I try works.) Normally she claims she would care so much about my well-being. Though her comment fucked me up just more. She added I would just not want to go to college/ or that I would not want to feel better.. She probably knows that is a lie. It is her way to deal with the guilt that she destroyed me life. This statement upset me even more. I probably have to deal with once again such a huge setback and then she blames it on me.
For me this is the cynicism which I often describe. My life and many other people spit in my face. The people who have destroyed my life have way way more life quality than me. In contrast to that consists my future of poverty, depression and rational suicide. I am really desperate. Before that comment I just felt heartbroken and very sad. But now I feel also a lot of anger. Just fuck my life.
I am really scared about the coming weeks. I am feeling very vulnerable and fragile. I am really scared of becoming psychotic again. I feel like on the edge of that...
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