You ever imagine the people stopping you from ctb dying?

[penguinl0v3s]

Some people I'm close to caught Covid, and I worried about them potentially dying, since they're quite old.

Then I had this thought that if they were to die, I could ctb guilt free. Not that I want them to die, but my mind entertained the thought.

 

[alone10]

If you take away mercy and sympathy from people, they will be like robots. I have a bird that gets very angry if you turn on the lights, and I pity it. The departure of someone saddens me. Many cars break down and are repaired, except for some cars that cannot be repaired.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I have this awful thought about my Dad sometimes. It feels so monstrous. It's not like I want him to die. Especially since he loves life. It's more that I think- how long am I going to have to hold on for? Can I even? I know I'm going to have to really. But it's like having this bloody great big mountain in front of me with cloud around the top. I know I'm going to have to climb the damn thing but I don't know how high it is. I don't know how long I'm going to have to climb for. I don't know if there's going to be a bloody great polar bear waiting for me half way up.

 

[penguinl0v3s]

I have this awful thought about my Dad sometimes. It feels so monstrous. It's not like I want him to die. Especially since he loves life. It's more that I think- how long am I going to have to hold on for? Can I even? I know I'm going to have to really. But it's like having this bloody great big mountain in front of me with cloud around the top. I know I'm going to have to climb the damn thing but I don't know how high it is. I don't know how long I'm going to have to climb for. I don't know if there's going to be a bloody great polar bear waiting for me half way up.

I completely get what you mean. You're not a monster at all. You don't want bad things to happen to him, you just want to be able to stop fighting and rest, but you can't because it would hurt someone you care about.

I like that analogy! Maybe you can think of it as your dad as another mountain climber that you travel with, if it sounds applicable to your relationship. Remember that you don't have to be a lone climber Best of luck to you

 

[Forever Sleep]

I completely get what you mean. You're not a monster at all. You don't want bad things to happen to him, you just want to be able to stop fighting and rest, but you can't because it would hurt someone you care about.

I like that analogy! Maybe you can think of it as your dad as another mountain climber that you travel with, if it sounds applicable to your relationship. Remember that you don't have to be a lone climber Best of luck to you

Arr, that's a lovely thought. Yes- he would be my fellow climber if he could be but I mean- life isn't all together like that is it? We still have to function in it pretty much on our own. Plus- he lives 200 miles away! Not exactly practical for a joint expedition but- I love the analogy. At least the intention to help is there I guess. The other thing is though- I don't want him to know how bad things are- that would upset him just as much in a way. I mean- he knows I'm struggling to an extent of course.

Still- it's like being on two different mountains, 200 miles apart. I've forgotten to pack all the ropes and safety gear and I don't want to tell him! He wants to help of course but all he can really do is send me the odd packed lunch via mountain goat or something. Thank you though. Are you holding on for someone too? I wish you all the best too.