You do not survive trauma.

[ForsakenDial]

I hid in my home, and haven't left the house in three years unless I had to or were forced to. The goal was to escape the cause of my pain. I was groomed, groped, bullied relentlessly in both work and school. If I isolated myself I thought I could escape some of this pain.

But everyday the memories of the past drown out my thoughts. It takes precedent over the now and the future. Even if I escape physically, my mind will involuntarily drag me back to those moments to relive them all over again. Through dreams, through the fear that I know I will be attacked again when I'm forced to socialize again.

I'm constantly reliving my trauma in my thoughts. I'm still there and no matter what I do I still feel like being attacked even when I'm alone in my room.

What was the point of trying to live if I'm already destroyed? What was the point in finally escaping just to go through it all over again, again, and again? It doesn't happen once. There is the first physical incident and then going through it a thousand times over in the mind. Replaying, and replaying.

The people I trusted lied to me to get me to open up. When I opened up they eventually turned and used my trauma against me. One of their lies were it was the past. That I'm a survivor. How do you survive a war that will go on for the rest of your life? How do you survive an eternal storm if you can never leave the boat in an endlessly sea? There is no escape. I'll never be free.

 

[Mitsumi]

Your post really touched me. Maybe you could get some professional help to relieve some of the pain? Hope you get better

 

[mortuarymary]

Your post really touched me. Maybe you could get some professional help to relieve some of the pain? Hope you get better

Totally agree

 

[inaminute]

I hid in my home, and haven't left the house in three years unless I had to or were forced to. The goal was to escape the cause of my pain. I was groomed, groped, bullied relentlessly in both work and school. If I isolated myself I thought I could escape some of this pain.

But everyday the memories of the past drown out my thoughts. It takes precedent over the now and the future. Even if I escape physically, my mind will involuntarily drag me back to those moments to relive them all over again. Through dreams, through the fear that I know I will be attacked again when I'm forced to socialize again.

I'm constantly reliving my trauma in my thoughts. I'm still there and no matter what I do I still feel like being attacked even when I'm alone in my room.

What was the point of trying to live if I'm already destroyed? What was the point in finally escaping just to go through it all over again, again, and again? It doesn't happen once. There is the first physical incident and then going through it a thousand times over in the mind. Replaying, and replaying.

The people I trusted lied to me to get me to open up. When I opened up they eventually turned and used my trauma against me. One of their lies were it was the past. That I'm a survivor. How do you survive a war that will go on for the rest of your life? How do you survive an eternal storm if you can never leave the boat in an endlessly sea? There is no escape. I'll never be free.

I'm 46, male I was abused from ages 9 to 16. It's never left me and I refuse to be known as a survivor, the last time I was reminded of my post prior to this post was last night while dreaming.

You're bang on the ball with this.

Sorry you suffer like this, it's horrible and amounts to torture.

 

[mortuarymary]

I'm 46, male I was abused from ages 9 to 16. It's never left me and I refuse to be known as a survivor, the last time I was reminded of my post prior to this post was last night while dreaming.

You're bang on the ball with this.

Sorry you suffer like this, it's horrible and amounts to torture.

An I hug you?

 

[FuneralCry]

It disgusts me how humans are so unnecessarily cruel and just create so much suffering, it sounds so horrible what you are going through.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

I'm so sorry for the abuse you endured and the way you were treated when you trusted people enough to confide in.

I relate to your views on being called a "survivor." To me, it's not empowering or enlightening, merely insulting and invalidating.

I may be a "survivor" in the strictest sense of the word: I've endured trauma that could and should have killed me, but technically didn't.

But my life is little more than a swiftly sinking shipwreck, and I have nothing to keep me afloat. I am alive, yes. I "survived," yes. But my mind and body are both utterly broken, with no hope of repair. Existing like this is unbearable and unsustainable. Inside, I already feel dead and destroyed.

I can relate to how inescapable it is, even when the physical acts of abuse have ended. When we are forced to relive that pain over and over.

I'm sorry you are going through so much suffering. I wish no-one had to experience this.

 

[GhostShell]

Some kinds of pain man does not forget.
My trauma is pretty minor all things considered but may still end up killing me.

Years ago I had an endoscopy without sedation. 15 minutes of literal medieval torture, choking, gagging, dry heaving. That was enough for me to never go through that again. Since then I refuse anything going down my throat or even touching inside my mouth so no dentists either. Now my teeth are rotting and I need an endoscopy for diagnosis. Oh well.

One decision made by one doctor is enough to kill you 10 years into the future.

 

[MBG]

They've had success using magic mushrooms (psilocybin) to treat depression, even treatment resistant depression and PTSD/cPTSD. I'd suggest looking into that specifically (MM are very safe) and ketamine and other hallucinogens generally.

 

[DeletedAccount0864]

I know it means nothing to hear "you're not alone," really, but I experience the same thing. You're right. There is no escape :(