Well, hello everyone, I'm pretty new to this forum, and I'm Brazilian, so, sorry if my wording seems rather limited and poor, my English is really far from the eloquence I usually see in this forum.
I make this thread mostly to vent, and to give people a glimpse of what a life being nefariously ugly entails, and to refute some ideas and "solutions" people who aren't in this predicament often offer to people in my situation. I warn you that the content of this much too long rant may seem too specific, or even too vulgar. I do see myself as such an immense failure, that I'm not even SS material anymore, so ghastly my life has revealed itself. It baffles me that people in this forum, who have had access to rather healthy relationships with their special person may contemplate suicide simply because it ended. Not that I undermine their pain in any way, it just shows me how out of touch with reality I am, for having endured never being seen by a SP as anything other than a laughing stock, and yet have reached the age of 33 years. I'm really out of my mind for not having tried to end my life much more seriously many years ago!
I'm 33 years old and it all started in high school, when it became quite distinguishable that I would be a "non-entity" when it came to sex and making out with other people.
I do believe I dealt with that and the fact that I would be an incel rather well (that, if we think that people kill themselves or become crack addicts just over losing their school sweetheart).
I'm gay, black, and was adopted by a white family which always made me feel entitled to be around nice-looking people (they don't puke at your face in childhood), that bit me in the ass when I started falling for people way, way beyond my league years later.
My life is a total train wreck, one thing people don't know about ugliness, is that it doesn't affect solely your ability to have a healthy sex life, or amorous relationships, it pervades your life as a whole!
Many parents, for instance, will never suffer a child who is way less attractive than they were themselves in youth, and will heavily resent an ugly child for not being "husband/wife material" for a potential wealthy spouse.
My parents openly detest me, while they worship my white sister, who happens to be their biological daughter, and was able to catch a wealthy husband, thus improving our family's social standing.
I never went to college in my 20's, due to us being poor, later on, our finances improved quite a bit, but by then, my mother already detested me so much that pursuing a college degree while she actively attempted to push me to suicide (all the while treating me well in front of others and showering me with stuff, so that no one would believe me if I ever told them how she treated me). Every attempt of mine to start a business, attaining a degree or ever getting a driver's license was smothered by her trying to madden me into attacking her physically, possibly to justify her only helping my sister financially, or even her killing me, or God knows what.
I went through life never knowing what being loved back by a SP was, and the sole reason I'm not a virgin anymore is that I paid for sexual intercourse with drug addicts.
One thing straight people don't seem to grasp about gay men, is that us being gay is a curse so great, that many of us are simply incapable of feeling attraction for another gay man. It is beyond our control, and I usually say to people who say that I should try to be with gay men, that if I could control the area of my brain which tricks me into being attracted to straight men, it wouldn't be to make me attracted by gay men, but to women, thus eliminating the whole being gay ordeal from my life.
So, when you're gay and you're specifically attracted by male features, not only physically, but also by personality traits, there is one "cheat" that some gay men may employ, which is to place your bets on catching a bisexual man. That is when the predicament of being ugly really kicks in, because in the gay social "pyramid", an attractive bisexual is like the "holy grail", reserved to the most handsome or/and wealthy gay men.
So, I went through my whole life having crushes for men I could never have had, and now I believe I had crushed on a specific type of guys, due to my body somehow detecting they had a "bi-vibe", unfortunately that same body didn't know it didn't stand a chance anyhow, due to it's deformed and unpalatable face. In my whole life, I always had feelings for men who never let me touch them, I only had intimacy with men who attracted me physically, but not emotionally.
Well, that changed last year, when, after a decade of paying junk heads and male prostitutes who only satisfied me sexually, if anything, I met a drug addict who was somehow different at this bar. Not only was he everything I admire physically in another man: manly, vigorous and somewhat handsome, he was also weirdly able to connect with me mentally! I do wonder if he may have some mild degree of autism, such as is my case, I do know he tried to commit suicide once, maybe those are the things that enabled such a bond to form between us almost immediately. It really felt like we could read each others minds.
We started seeing each other on a regular basis, obviously, it was a financial arrangement, and at first, every time he went to my apartment, aside from the money I gave him so that he could buy drugs for himself, I also gave him some expensive belongings I had, one time an old LED TV, another, an old notebook. We never had sex per-se, it was mostly foreplay, but having even that with someone for whom I was actually infatuated with was a totally otherworldly experience to me. I know attractive people will NEVER understand the tremendous effect that finally being able to have intimacy with someone for whom you have a crush on has on a person who was denied it for their whole life!
Time went by, and I soon ran out of spare TV's or spare laptops to give him, and as soon as that happened, even though I kept giving him money, he immediately ceased all intimacy! To make it worse, he was addicted to porn, and liked to watch it on my TV while he masturbated himself. Whenever I tried to approach him, I received a death glare which will haunt me to the last moments of my life. Many were the episodes in which I got fed up and kicked him out. He'd get back in a couple of weeks, entice me a little with his sexuality, once he even showed concern for my safety and threw away a rope I'd bought to try a short drop hanging. But he would soon revert to his "extort with no intimacy" policy. The feeling of being utterly rejected by someone who just received a considerable sum of money from you is one that I don't wish upon my WORST enemy! The sadness in his eyes when he had to let me touch him, the violence in his eyes when he wanted me not to touch him, the resentment and regret in his countenance after he had allowed me any intimacy! That's why I always laugh cynically whenever someone on this website encourages an ugly person to "just go for paid sex". Attractive people will never grasp how deeper than that the situation really goes.
At a given occasion, he'd make me spend an obscene amount of money with beers for us and drugs for him for an entire day, only to wait for me to sleep so that he could masturbate himself alone, without me "bothering" him. After that, I started doing cocaine, for the first time in my life after 31 years, so that he wouldn't cheat me into giving him money, just to wait for me to sleep again. Thank God I didn't become addicted to it, in any way.
I've asked him once for the reason why he would allow me some degree of intimacy at first, when we met, and why it had suddenly changed within a few months, in which he went to my apartment, and I was shocked to hear that, according to him, the reason was that, when we met, he had no money to buy better drugs (i.e.: cocaine), thus, he had to go for stronger, cheaper substances, as crack, which, according to him, gave him the "courage" to brave having sex with gay men (I sensed it was a lie, and that that courage had to be mustered for him to brave having sex with me, due to me being ugly, not with gay men in general.)
The humiliation and degradation I underwent in this period was indescribable. At one time, I was out of cash to give him to buy drugs, so he just called this gay guy we both know to my apartment, they gave me some laxatives and I had to use the toilette, later I noticed that they at least had oral sex in my living room while I was at the toilette. In another occasion, he took two low-life women he was banging on the streets late night to my apartment and these women gave me some sleeping pill, so that they could rob me (didn't work). All that while he had been withholding nearly all intimacy from me for months. After that, I thought things were escalating way too gruesomely with this guy, and I went back to my mother's house. My mother, who has openly driven me to suicide for the last 7-10 years. However, I still longed for the guy's company a lot, and started visiting him in his own house. His family treated me like I was some weirdo who took advantage of their "naive" older brother, even though he's just 3 years my junior (I'm 33, and he's 30). I went to his place ever more frequently (it was always he who'd call me to go there), there I would spend hundreds in my home country's cash, never have any intimacy, just contemplate his beauty and his mesmerizing personality, and as soon as I ran out of cash, he'd politely ditch me from his house. In one of said occasions, he eventually stole my phone after having convinced me to spend 600 BRL on beer and drugs, during a weekend we spend together, with no intimacy at all.
After that, I went no contact with him, and could finally, from afar, digest the horrors he had subjected me to (and that I had subjected myself to). I was a total wreck (and that for a person who has been increasingly suicidal from the age of 17). I no longer belonged in the solitude I did prior to meeting him. I felt terribly ridiculous for having spent my life watching sitcoms, documentaries and animes my whole life, while a drug addict like him, and billions of other guys and girls mildly attractive as him, had sex and company abundantly, thus, living a respectable and acceptable social life. Only then I entirely saw the ridicule of my life, previously, I knew I lacked a fundamental part of life, but could somehow live with it. After having, through him, a glimpse of what that said part of life I lacked was, I no longer admit to continue to live this life. Not only has he shown me how he loathed my unsightly, unpleasant company, but he also, retroactively made me see how that pattern was also present on all other guys I ever had intimacy with, its' just that, with them, I didn't have time enough to quite notice it! I don't have to say that, since I know how simple probability works, he's also poisoned any hope for any future relationships I can possibly expect to have with anyone who attracts me. Things I used to do to distract myself before I met him, now trigger me awfully. Wildlife and War/History documentaries I once loved, now are a gruesome reminder of the sheer violence I endured. Silly sitcoms I enjoyed now remind me of the fond moments I had bonding with him, and that this also nightmarish instance, in which that kind of special bonding happened with someone for whom I had romantic inclinations, will certainly be the single one in my life.
I've met him a few weeks ago, he appeared more inclined to have intimacy with me, was brave enough to kiss me in the mouth and to say that he loved me. Of course I knew it was a ruse to get me back to always paying shit for him, but that silly part of me really reveled in hearing that from a SP for the first time.
Of course, I met him later last weekend, and he just syphoned all money I had and then ditched me in the most utterly disrespectful way he's ever ditched me (he's a drug addict, it wasn't pretty, dehumanizing, actually). Now I'm just getting my shit together to order some SN, all the while I'm tormented by the many unspeakable humiliations I was subjected to. I'll also be forced to look for a hotel, since, thanks to that guy, I no longer live by myself. But that should be no problem. My mind and body ache with dread for being "cornered" out of life, so much so, that I sought professional help, but I don't see that working either.
I don't expect people to actually read such a long thread, I just put so much detail in it, because details of other people's misfortunes here sometimes help me feel less unfortunate, or at least not so alone. Anyhow, I thank anyone who gives it any kind of attention!
I make this thread mostly to vent, and to give people a glimpse of what a life being nefariously ugly entails, and to refute some ideas and "solutions" people who aren't in this predicament often offer to people in my situation. I warn you that the content of this much too long rant may seem too specific, or even too vulgar. I do see myself as such an immense failure, that I'm not even SS material anymore, so ghastly my life has revealed itself. It baffles me that people in this forum, who have had access to rather healthy relationships with their special person may contemplate suicide simply because it ended. Not that I undermine their pain in any way, it just shows me how out of touch with reality I am, for having endured never being seen by a SP as anything other than a laughing stock, and yet have reached the age of 33 years. I'm really out of my mind for not having tried to end my life much more seriously many years ago!
I'm 33 years old and it all started in high school, when it became quite distinguishable that I would be a "non-entity" when it came to sex and making out with other people.
I do believe I dealt with that and the fact that I would be an incel rather well (that, if we think that people kill themselves or become crack addicts just over losing their school sweetheart).
I'm gay, black, and was adopted by a white family which always made me feel entitled to be around nice-looking people (they don't puke at your face in childhood), that bit me in the ass when I started falling for people way, way beyond my league years later.
My life is a total train wreck, one thing people don't know about ugliness, is that it doesn't affect solely your ability to have a healthy sex life, or amorous relationships, it pervades your life as a whole!
Many parents, for instance, will never suffer a child who is way less attractive than they were themselves in youth, and will heavily resent an ugly child for not being "husband/wife material" for a potential wealthy spouse.
My parents openly detest me, while they worship my white sister, who happens to be their biological daughter, and was able to catch a wealthy husband, thus improving our family's social standing.
I never went to college in my 20's, due to us being poor, later on, our finances improved quite a bit, but by then, my mother already detested me so much that pursuing a college degree while she actively attempted to push me to suicide (all the while treating me well in front of others and showering me with stuff, so that no one would believe me if I ever told them how she treated me). Every attempt of mine to start a business, attaining a degree or ever getting a driver's license was smothered by her trying to madden me into attacking her physically, possibly to justify her only helping my sister financially, or even her killing me, or God knows what.
I went through life never knowing what being loved back by a SP was, and the sole reason I'm not a virgin anymore is that I paid for sexual intercourse with drug addicts.
One thing straight people don't seem to grasp about gay men, is that us being gay is a curse so great, that many of us are simply incapable of feeling attraction for another gay man. It is beyond our control, and I usually say to people who say that I should try to be with gay men, that if I could control the area of my brain which tricks me into being attracted to straight men, it wouldn't be to make me attracted by gay men, but to women, thus eliminating the whole being gay ordeal from my life.
So, when you're gay and you're specifically attracted by male features, not only physically, but also by personality traits, there is one "cheat" that some gay men may employ, which is to place your bets on catching a bisexual man. That is when the predicament of being ugly really kicks in, because in the gay social "pyramid", an attractive bisexual is like the "holy grail", reserved to the most handsome or/and wealthy gay men.
So, I went through my whole life having crushes for men I could never have had, and now I believe I had crushed on a specific type of guys, due to my body somehow detecting they had a "bi-vibe", unfortunately that same body didn't know it didn't stand a chance anyhow, due to it's deformed and unpalatable face. In my whole life, I always had feelings for men who never let me touch them, I only had intimacy with men who attracted me physically, but not emotionally.
Well, that changed last year, when, after a decade of paying junk heads and male prostitutes who only satisfied me sexually, if anything, I met a drug addict who was somehow different at this bar. Not only was he everything I admire physically in another man: manly, vigorous and somewhat handsome, he was also weirdly able to connect with me mentally! I do wonder if he may have some mild degree of autism, such as is my case, I do know he tried to commit suicide once, maybe those are the things that enabled such a bond to form between us almost immediately. It really felt like we could read each others minds.
We started seeing each other on a regular basis, obviously, it was a financial arrangement, and at first, every time he went to my apartment, aside from the money I gave him so that he could buy drugs for himself, I also gave him some expensive belongings I had, one time an old LED TV, another, an old notebook. We never had sex per-se, it was mostly foreplay, but having even that with someone for whom I was actually infatuated with was a totally otherworldly experience to me. I know attractive people will NEVER understand the tremendous effect that finally being able to have intimacy with someone for whom you have a crush on has on a person who was denied it for their whole life!
Time went by, and I soon ran out of spare TV's or spare laptops to give him, and as soon as that happened, even though I kept giving him money, he immediately ceased all intimacy! To make it worse, he was addicted to porn, and liked to watch it on my TV while he masturbated himself. Whenever I tried to approach him, I received a death glare which will haunt me to the last moments of my life. Many were the episodes in which I got fed up and kicked him out. He'd get back in a couple of weeks, entice me a little with his sexuality, once he even showed concern for my safety and threw away a rope I'd bought to try a short drop hanging. But he would soon revert to his "extort with no intimacy" policy. The feeling of being utterly rejected by someone who just received a considerable sum of money from you is one that I don't wish upon my WORST enemy! The sadness in his eyes when he had to let me touch him, the violence in his eyes when he wanted me not to touch him, the resentment and regret in his countenance after he had allowed me any intimacy! That's why I always laugh cynically whenever someone on this website encourages an ugly person to "just go for paid sex". Attractive people will never grasp how deeper than that the situation really goes.
At a given occasion, he'd make me spend an obscene amount of money with beers for us and drugs for him for an entire day, only to wait for me to sleep so that he could masturbate himself alone, without me "bothering" him. After that, I started doing cocaine, for the first time in my life after 31 years, so that he wouldn't cheat me into giving him money, just to wait for me to sleep again. Thank God I didn't become addicted to it, in any way.
I've asked him once for the reason why he would allow me some degree of intimacy at first, when we met, and why it had suddenly changed within a few months, in which he went to my apartment, and I was shocked to hear that, according to him, the reason was that, when we met, he had no money to buy better drugs (i.e.: cocaine), thus, he had to go for stronger, cheaper substances, as crack, which, according to him, gave him the "courage" to brave having sex with gay men (I sensed it was a lie, and that that courage had to be mustered for him to brave having sex with me, due to me being ugly, not with gay men in general.)
The humiliation and degradation I underwent in this period was indescribable. At one time, I was out of cash to give him to buy drugs, so he just called this gay guy we both know to my apartment, they gave me some laxatives and I had to use the toilette, later I noticed that they at least had oral sex in my living room while I was at the toilette. In another occasion, he took two low-life women he was banging on the streets late night to my apartment and these women gave me some sleeping pill, so that they could rob me (didn't work). All that while he had been withholding nearly all intimacy from me for months. After that, I thought things were escalating way too gruesomely with this guy, and I went back to my mother's house. My mother, who has openly driven me to suicide for the last 7-10 years. However, I still longed for the guy's company a lot, and started visiting him in his own house. His family treated me like I was some weirdo who took advantage of their "naive" older brother, even though he's just 3 years my junior (I'm 33, and he's 30). I went to his place ever more frequently (it was always he who'd call me to go there), there I would spend hundreds in my home country's cash, never have any intimacy, just contemplate his beauty and his mesmerizing personality, and as soon as I ran out of cash, he'd politely ditch me from his house. In one of said occasions, he eventually stole my phone after having convinced me to spend 600 BRL on beer and drugs, during a weekend we spend together, with no intimacy at all.
After that, I went no contact with him, and could finally, from afar, digest the horrors he had subjected me to (and that I had subjected myself to). I was a total wreck (and that for a person who has been increasingly suicidal from the age of 17). I no longer belonged in the solitude I did prior to meeting him. I felt terribly ridiculous for having spent my life watching sitcoms, documentaries and animes my whole life, while a drug addict like him, and billions of other guys and girls mildly attractive as him, had sex and company abundantly, thus, living a respectable and acceptable social life. Only then I entirely saw the ridicule of my life, previously, I knew I lacked a fundamental part of life, but could somehow live with it. After having, through him, a glimpse of what that said part of life I lacked was, I no longer admit to continue to live this life. Not only has he shown me how he loathed my unsightly, unpleasant company, but he also, retroactively made me see how that pattern was also present on all other guys I ever had intimacy with, its' just that, with them, I didn't have time enough to quite notice it! I don't have to say that, since I know how simple probability works, he's also poisoned any hope for any future relationships I can possibly expect to have with anyone who attracts me. Things I used to do to distract myself before I met him, now trigger me awfully. Wildlife and War/History documentaries I once loved, now are a gruesome reminder of the sheer violence I endured. Silly sitcoms I enjoyed now remind me of the fond moments I had bonding with him, and that this also nightmarish instance, in which that kind of special bonding happened with someone for whom I had romantic inclinations, will certainly be the single one in my life.
I've met him a few weeks ago, he appeared more inclined to have intimacy with me, was brave enough to kiss me in the mouth and to say that he loved me. Of course I knew it was a ruse to get me back to always paying shit for him, but that silly part of me really reveled in hearing that from a SP for the first time.
Of course, I met him later last weekend, and he just syphoned all money I had and then ditched me in the most utterly disrespectful way he's ever ditched me (he's a drug addict, it wasn't pretty, dehumanizing, actually). Now I'm just getting my shit together to order some SN, all the while I'm tormented by the many unspeakable humiliations I was subjected to. I'll also be forced to look for a hotel, since, thanks to that guy, I no longer live by myself. But that should be no problem. My mind and body ache with dread for being "cornered" out of life, so much so, that I sought professional help, but I don't see that working either.
I don't expect people to actually read such a long thread, I just put so much detail in it, because details of other people's misfortunes here sometimes help me feel less unfortunate, or at least not so alone. Anyhow, I thank anyone who gives it any kind of attention!
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