avoid
️
- Jul 31, 2023
- 333
Yesterday night, I knew I had wasted yet another day, another copy of the day before and the day before that and so on. All except for writing a tiny program and sharing it with others in the afternoon. I was happy with myself for creating something before the thought of abandoning it. Sadly this feeling didn't last when people with whom I anonymously shared the program commented that they couldn't run it due to a misconfiguration. It's the classic "but it runs on my computer" problem. You would think that I could simply fix the bug—and I can, but all the memories of failing over and over and over flooded my mind with an immense sense of disappointment in myself. I hate that I can't do anything right.
Yesterday night, I proved the same point as I did many nights before: I'm a failure. I took to YouTube to distract myself from my thoughts but had no new videos in the subscriptions tab, and YouTube's recommended videos feed was garbage as usual—they have been recommending slob for years and I miss the 2010s when the app peaked, but I digress. Instead, I came to SaSu for comfort and noticed the thread movies that made you cry?* I read it and wondered what movies made me cry. I keep track of what movies and series make me cry so I consulted this list, thinking back to which movie made me cry the most. Emotions bubbled inside me as I looked back on each movie, and came to the verge of crying when a particular scene came to mind.
Yesterday night, I cried for myself for the first time. My nose tingled, my jaw quivered, and tears welled up in my eyes. The movie scene that made me cry was displaced by the thought of how my life turned out. I broke into tears and muffled my cries in my arms as I dived into my pillow. I felt worthless, helpless, stuck and alone, trapped, damaged, broken and defeated. I cried my pillow messy.
Yesterday night, I thought my life was not worth living. The ways I sabotaged myself over the years finally caught up to me. I have no one to blame but myself for how I distanced myself from everyone, how I slipped into a coma of a life, and how each day carved a deeper groove of indolence in me. My life is nothing to boast about and not of any particular interest. I @avoid life and doing so has reduced it to nothing.
Yesterday night was bound to happen one of these nights. I blew tissues full with my misery but this didn't help me. I felt empty and relieved after the cry but this didn't help me. Deeper into the night I had calmed down and knew I had to make a change in my life but this didn't help me. Today, I woke up and drank coffee, scrolled through the news, caught up with my YouTube videos, played my music playlist, booted my computer, and continued to carve.
Yesterday night, what felt like a turning point, turned out to be only a stop on my way to nowhere.
Yesterday night, I proved the same point as I did many nights before: I'm a failure. I took to YouTube to distract myself from my thoughts but had no new videos in the subscriptions tab, and YouTube's recommended videos feed was garbage as usual—they have been recommending slob for years and I miss the 2010s when the app peaked, but I digress. Instead, I came to SaSu for comfort and noticed the thread movies that made you cry?* I read it and wondered what movies made me cry. I keep track of what movies and series make me cry so I consulted this list, thinking back to which movie made me cry the most. Emotions bubbled inside me as I looked back on each movie, and came to the verge of crying when a particular scene came to mind.
Yesterday night, I cried for myself for the first time. My nose tingled, my jaw quivered, and tears welled up in my eyes. The movie scene that made me cry was displaced by the thought of how my life turned out. I broke into tears and muffled my cries in my arms as I dived into my pillow. I felt worthless, helpless, stuck and alone, trapped, damaged, broken and defeated. I cried my pillow messy.
Yesterday night, I thought my life was not worth living. The ways I sabotaged myself over the years finally caught up to me. I have no one to blame but myself for how I distanced myself from everyone, how I slipped into a coma of a life, and how each day carved a deeper groove of indolence in me. My life is nothing to boast about and not of any particular interest. I @avoid life and doing so has reduced it to nothing.
Yesterday night was bound to happen one of these nights. I blew tissues full with my misery but this didn't help me. I felt empty and relieved after the cry but this didn't help me. Deeper into the night I had calmed down and knew I had to make a change in my life but this didn't help me. Today, I woke up and drank coffee, scrolled through the news, caught up with my YouTube videos, played my music playlist, booted my computer, and continued to carve.
Yesterday night, what felt like a turning point, turned out to be only a stop on my way to nowhere.
Last edited:
