I wish you to alleviate your suffering and I understand your pain, maybe take the time to put things into perspective and find a less harsh method. alcohol can sometimes let things happen that we regret.
You deserve a peaceful ending, and this is not it. I respect whatever decision you make though, and we are here for you in your final moments if you want to write down any thoughts or concerns. You clearly sound pretty desperate to be gone, and for that I am so sorry.
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