Writing my goodbye letter to my dad is making me reconsider it

[cottonball]

I'm currently at a hotel and have everything ready to ctb. I had this date set since January. I've been thinking about ending my own life for more than 10 years and felt relieved when I found this forum and realised it would be possible to do so peacefully.

But I just finished writing my goodbye letter to my dad and its too painful. I know many people have bad realationships with their fathers, but this was never my case, my dad is such a loving and caring person and I'm so lucky to be his daughter. He's very lonely and shy and not one to talk about his feelings, the little he does share is always with me. I just wrote an email that I'd program to send to him the day after tomorrow where I told him all of this and how much I love him and it made me want to give it all up just so he never has to read it.

Three years ago we lost our family cat and it was the first and only time I ever saw him cry. How will he deal with losing a daughter? I know that all the pain I'm currently feeling will transfer to him and I wish there was other way to do this. I wish I could just disappear and he could forget me.

I'm in my early 20s, so I wonder: can I really continue on living my life just to avoid causing my dad pain? There's no one else in my life that makes me reconsider it. But I'm afraid that if give up now, when I'm so close, I'll never get another chance. Part of me says I shouldn't do it and the other tells me I'm delaying the inevitable.

I don't want to wake up tomorrow but I can't stop thinking how things will be after I die, and how I won't have any control of anything. Does anyone else feel this way?

Sorry if this sounds pointless. I'm looking at my supplies right now and I don't know if I'll have the courage to do this. I just wish there was a way I could be at peace.

 

[Dizzy_Dreams]

It is a hard choice to make.... You don't want to hurt your dad but you also don't want to keep suffering either..
I'm not able to message you.. I see your only in your 20s which means you've wanted to die since you were a kid? :/

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

I'm in a similar spot. What trips me up are my siblings, since they are complete collateral damage. My parents brought my death upon themselves but my siblings got dragged into this shit just like me. Look into becoming a monk, perhaps? Peace without physical death is possible to achieve, you know.

 

[Makko]

I would not choose to continue living a life I hate just to avoid rocking the boat. I can't take responsibility for someone else's fate, only for my own. That would be my take.

 

[Into The Void]

I'm currently at a hotel and have everything ready to ctb. I had this date set since January. I've been thinking about ending my own life for more than 10 years and felt relieved when I found this forum and realised it would be possible to do so peacefully.

But I just finished writing my goodbye letter to my dad and its too painful. I know many people have bad realationships with their fathers, but this was never my case, my dad is such a loving and caring person and I'm so lucky to be his daughter. He's very lonely and shy and not one to talk about his feelings, the little he does share is always with me. I just wrote an email that I'd program to send to him the day after tomorrow where I told him all of this and how much I love him and it made me want to give it all up just so he never has to read it.

Three years ago we lost our family cat and it was the first and only time I ever saw him cry. How will he deal with losing a daughter? I know that all the pain I'm currently feeling will transfer to him and I wish there was other way to do this. I wish I could just disappear and he could forget me.

I'm in my early 20s, so I wonder: can I really continue on living my life just to avoid causing my dad pain? There's no one else in my life that makes me reconsider it. But I'm afraid that if give up now, when I'm so close, I'll never get another chance. Part of me says I shouldn't do it and the other tells me I'm delaying the inevitable.

I don't want to wake up tomorrow but I can't stop thinking how things will be after I die, and how I won't have any control of anything. Does anyone else feel this way?

Sorry if this sounds pointless. I'm looking at my supplies right now and I don't know if I'll have the courage to do this. I just wish there was a way I could be at peace.

I suggest talking to your dad about it. Slowly warm him up to the idea of suicide. And gradually over time reveal more and more. So that if and when you do ctb it won't be a shocker to him. And he would have known that he at least at a chance at helping you. Just don't tell him that you have stuff needed to CTB.

 

[Makko]

I suggest talking to your dad about it. Slowly warm him up to the idea of suicide. And gradually over time reveal more and more. So that if and when you do ctb it won't be a shocker to him. And he would have known that he at least at a chance at helping you. Just don't tell him that you have stuff needed to CTB.

Isn't that like very slowly pulling off a band-aid instead of ripping it off in one go?

 

[WornOutLife]

I can relate!
I'm basically staying in this world because of my dad. I just can't ruin his life!

 

[Into The Void]

Isn't that like very slowly pulling off a band-aid instead of ripping it off in one go?

I just know that if my child committed suicide I would have wanted to at least have a chance to help them, I would also want to know that this is what they really wanted. BTW I'm not pro-life.

 

[cottonball]

It is a hard choice to make.... You don't want to hurt your dad but you also don't want to keep suffering either..
I'm not able to message you.. I see your only in your 20s which means you've wanted to die since you were a kid? :/

Sorry, I'm new here, but I think I activated receiving messages. I dealt with anorexia as a kid, then depression, and since then I think about life not being worth living. I was hoping to grow out of these feelings, but I wasn't able to.

I'm in a similar spot. What trips me up are my siblings, since they are complete collateral damage. My parents brought my death upon themselves but my siblings got dragged into this shit just like me. Look into becoming a monk, perhaps? Peace without physical death is possible to achieve, you know.

I'm sorry to hear about your case. I'm realizing its hard to think about what the damage will be after I'm gone. I wonder if I could give up my life for a "noble cause", but I think it would just be another endurance test to see how much I can take until I give up.

I suggest talking to your dad about it. Slowly warm him up to the idea of suicide. And gradually over time reveal more and more. So that if and when you do ctb it won't be a shocker to him. And he would have known that he at least at a chance at helping you. Just don't tell him that you have stuff needed to CTB.

Thank you for your advice. He actually took me to the hospital once when I tried to overdose on xanax, and I remember I promised him I wouldn't do something like that ever again, but here I am. I'm sure he would try everything to help and I'm afraid he'd feel it's his fault it wasn't enough.

 

[Into The Void]

Sorry, I'm new here, but I think I activated receiving messages. I dealt with anorexia as a kid, then depression, and since then I think about life not being worth living. I was hoping to grow out of these feelings, but I wasn't able to.



I'm sorry to hear about your case. I'm realizing its hard to think about what the damage will be after I'm gone. I wonder if I could give up my life for a "noble cause", but I think it would just be another endurance test to see how much I can take until I give up.



Thank you for your advice. He actually took me to the hospital once when I tried to overdose on xanax, and I remember I promised him I wouldn't do something like that ever again, but here I am. I'm sure he would try everything to help and I'm afraid he'd feel it's his fault it wasn't enough.

Me personally I would be more upset at myself if I didn't know about it. I would feel like I failed to make a decent connection with my child that they couldn't tell me.

 

[booray]

OP, only you can decide what is right for you. I see that this is your very first post and you don't say what your reasons are, but I'm sure that they are valid. Otherwise, you wouldn't be on the brink of this momentous decision. The question you should ask yourself is whether or not you can go on living, if only for the sake of your dad, if only just for now. And then take it one step at a time from there. That's all I can offer you.

 

[oversizedsweaters]

I feel so the same in this. On one hand I want things to stop so badly, but I worry also so much about the people I will hurt and the fact that my parents will probably never get over it. I know the dilemma

And I also never know if it's better for loved ones when they think you were doing fine or when they know you are feeling suicidal. On one hand I think it can feel worse when they know about it, because they can blame themselves for not handeling it correctly or not preventing it. When someone doesn't know about it, I would think that person would maybe blame themselves less, because you didn't tell them about it so he couldn't know. On the other hand it might be worse that way because they didn't see it coming at all. And like Into The Void set in the post before, it could maybe make a parent feel like they didn't even know their child. But I don't really know how to look at it, I think the way someone thinks about it after losing someone might also just depend on the person, I have no idea
And I also just want to say that you shouldn't forget that it's no problem at all to procrastinate if you don't feel sure about it yet. We are always there for you. If you choose to do it though, I hope everything goes well and I wish you the best. I'm sorry you had to go through this, and whatever decision you'll make, I hope things will improve for you

 

[cottonball]

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and feelings. It's a hard battle between following what I'd planned and allowing people I love a chance at changing this decision. I don't know which one is freedom. I guess you can't regret anything after you're gone, so it makes it really scary to change my mind and regret it at the end of the way.

Again, thank you all for your messages. I think I'll take some time to think about it all.

 

[Dizzy_Dreams]

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and feelings. It's a hard battle between following what I'd planned and allowing people I love a chance at changing this decision. I don't know which one is freedom. I guess you can't regret anything after you're gone, so it makes it really scary to change my mind and regret it at the end of the way.

Again, thank you all for your messages. I think I'll take some time to think about it all.

Well what's your theory on afterlife? Do you think we just cease to exist after this life? If that's the case then yes it will take away all the pain for you but I know your dad will still care but I know you're feeling a lot of pain

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

It's really hard for me to think of leaving my dad behind. Him and I have always gotten along so well. He is a kind, loving and supportive father and it kills me (for lack of a better word) to think of how he'd feel.

Not only that, he has also attempted and thought of suicide for years. I worry for him, but my suffering is just so heavy...

I can completely understand how writing this would put you off from the idea entirely. I mean, I always tell people that what matters is how THEY feel, not how everyone else will.. So I feel like a bit of a hypocrite.

Whichever decision you make, I do hope for peace and comfort for you. If you ever want to chat, I'm around. x

 

[user667]

i respect your choice- but please be sure before you leave. i care about you and i want you to stay and i'm sure other people do too. you might be surprised by life. take care <3