Fish On Land
Member
- Oct 9, 2024
- 5
Since about three years ago, I started writing fanfiction as a way to pass the time. I get hyper-fixated on a single character and can't get them off my mind. I've always been sensitive and struggled to control my own emotions. I keep smiling and almost laughing when looking people in the face which I'm sure gives off a bad impression. I daydream obsessively since I was 5 and like to talk to myself and make up stories. I got really into fanfiction writing and it's been keeping me accompanied rather well. Unfortunately, fanfiction gets a really bad rep so I mostly keep it a secret because I'm self-conscious of what other people think about me. I have never written smut and don't even use swear words. Before I really wanted to publish my works so I did but I was afraid of people judging it which is super dumb because of so many reasons. One, I shouldn't care so much about people, especially someone on the internet. Two, no one expects too much from a random fanfiction online anyway. Despite this, I was an editing fanatic which drained the fun from the hobby. I'm already a very slow writer who often takes 2-3 hours to write 1.5k words and with constant editing, progress became incredibly slow (I was always falling behind in terms of writing speed for my English class). I worried more about transitioning, description, lengths, and other qualities rather than getting new chapters out and progressing the plot I had planned. I even got tired of it and dropped it for about half a year before returning back just recently. I've attended English schools since I was young but it is still a second language which makes grammar and writing more difficult (thank god for Grammarly to check for past/present tense and spelling). Depression makes me always feel tired and there's always a lot for me to do. I'm one of those high-achieving students (at least I'm in the more advanced classes) so there's a lot of test pressure and classwork. I'm not smart in the slightest so I have to work hard to maintain my grades, especially since I'm planning to major in computer science. Despite the lack of time and energy, I still write fanfiction even when I should be studying. I feel like writing fanfiction is an uncommon hobby overall, especially for the older or more studious students, and it makes me feel sad. Perhaps I'm wrong and there's more fanfiction writers in my advanced classes who are shy like me or something but I have high doubts. Fanfiction is seen as amateurish writing that's childish, cringy, or dirty which really sucks because it's been encouraging me to self-study some creative writing tips. I fixed some of my common writing flaws and paid more attention to how I write when telling a story. I thought I had improved and was enjoying my writing time until the education system crushed my confidence and ruined it for me. I took AP Language because I wanted to improve my prose and writing while stacking another AP class for college. I still don't understand what happened. My grades in that class were really high and the teacher was a hard grader and unlikely to randomly give points but after taking the national exam, I failed somehow. I felt really good about my response and thought I got a 4 or possibly a 5 if I got lucky with the multiple choice but that ended up being the first AP test that I failed. Since that was the class that I poured most of my effort and energy into, it made me super depressed and I lamented myself for a long time, even dropping out of writing fanfiction. That really hurt me and outside grades, it felt like a personal attack. I'm still a little mad but over it and no longer get overly depressed from that. Maybe my writing is hot garbage after all but I've gotten kudos (basically "likes" on ao3) which meant at least someone else besides me appreciated it. I like doing research, I like looking up synonyms, I like trying something different in my writing, and I like looking up tips. I'm sick of being a people pleaser and always worrying about efficiency, especially when it's online out of place. I just wish it wasn't seen so negatively so I could be more open with it. I'm not very good at explaining myself or communicating. Like I can say I crochet or create programs and nobody bats an eye but if it's fanfiction, it becomes weird. I can even say I journal or write short stories but fanfiction-despite still being writing-is just different apparently. Recently my biggest problem with it is that it's not a productive hobby even though I enjoy it. That voice of self-hatred in my head is yelling at me to stop wasting my time and go study, clean, or work on scholarships. It calls me a freak, asks me why I'm like this, and tells me about how I'm so worthless and weird. For hobbies like crochet, even if it's not helping me towards a future career, it at least makes me seem like a productive person who has things to do and gives me a conversation starter topic. It's like fanfiction is a "wrong" hobby or something. I'm balancing writing fanfiction with studying and other obligations rather well right now but that's probably because school is out for the week. My hyperfixation is sparse and erratic, randomly dying or giving me intense motivation without a pattern. As such, I've stuck to shorter fanfictions and one-shots for the time being so I can at least finish something instead of dropping it midway like I always do. Out of curiosity and if you're still reading so far, any fanfiction writer or reader here? If so, could you share your take on fanfiction or your experiences (especially if you are a writer)?
