GoodPersonEffed
Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
- Jan 11, 2020
- 6,727
I went through a list I found online of things children need to thrive and become stable adullts, I wanted to see what I got and what I lacked in childhood. One of the items was structure -- rules, boundaries and limits; it said that without them, children lose respect for their parents and other adults.
For me, everything was limited. My home was nice, but it was a prison, and my mother was a warden. I was extroverted but not allowed to socialize outside the house very often except for school and certain structured activities. My boundaries weren't respected (e.g., I was beaten, coerced, my mother snooped through my things), and I didn't have boundaries explained to me. Everything was rules and limits, do it right the first time even if you don't know how to do it, just an overly structured, super rigid environment.
I recently did a journaling exercise, a list of 100 problems with leadership -- I went waaaay over 100, closer to 400. I came to realize I've had less than five bosses or leaders in my life who did not abuse power over, who were actually supportive and empowering. Every other leader I've encountered has in some way been manipulative, dishonest, self-serving, and in some cases, abusive or even oppressive. As I'm writing, I remember that I myself have had leadership positions, not big ones like being a manager (though at times I've had the responsibiities without being given the title), but I was always happiest and got the best results when I was supporting and guiding, when I was open with others about information and goals, when I set benchmarks and structure, when I gave people room to screw up and learn from the experience and then get things back on track, and especially when I set clear boundaries about what was okay in that space and what was not, what belonged and what didn't, and let others have input about the boundaries so that everyone had ownership and was in agreement. I was open to questions and questioning. I created accountability within the structure, and I was open to being equally held accountable for my role. There was fun, productivity, and clear direction to keep things on track. My efforts in leading were appreciated, and no one was dominated. I forgot how great that felt! It's been quite awhile.
So yeah, I didn't respect my parents, they were illogical, abusive and oppressive, and while I had some supportive teachers (where I got most of my acceptance, encouragement and support), for the most part, I realize that it's not that I have a respect issue or don't know what I'm talking about so much as I've not encountered many people in positions of authority worthy of respect -- it was demanded but not at all earned, and usually not offered in return. I was more often than not a demand for submission. I have been betrayed by nearly every leader in my life, whether personally or impersonally/passively/as one of the many.
I came to realize in doing these exercises that I have compound wounds of deep betrayal, also called moral injury: "Moral injury refers to an injury to an individual's moral conscience and values resulting from an act of perceived moral transgression, which produces profound emotional guilt and shame, and in some cases also a sense of betrayal, anger and profound 'moral disorientation.'" (Wikipedia) I was also doing some reading on trauma, and learned that the word comes from the Greek for soul wound. I feel all of this: multiple, deep betrayals at a fundamental, core level; a profound, compound soul wound; and my moral compass having been beaten the shit out of...yet I never submitted, I just kept resisting, which means I rarely got the comfort of fitting in, of getting rewards for "knowing my place." I've never stopped believing that power should support and serve, bring the best out of people, build power from the bottom up instead of stomping from the top down.
Societies are built on hierarchies of respect, but really, I think they're hierarchies of submission. It seems to me like most folks, once they're in the postion of power, do as was done unto them, and it's finally their turn to wield power over others. Call me idealistic, but when power is given and shared, then everyone is empowered, everyone can reach potential, and a society that functions like that could flourish.
I have quite an attiude with Siddhartha Gautama, I don't like calling him "Buddha." I think he fucked up as a leader and had some blind spots about his own domination issues, to put it kindly, but he did say something that strongly resonates with me and is resonating anew here: that the roots of violence and oppression (and, I would add, tyranny) come from the thought, "I have power, and I want power."
I don't know how to deal with these wounds I've written about, and so I'm writing. They come from boundary violations, and I know from experience that changing a boundary never makes things better, it only increases resentment and frustration for letting someone get away with something. Being a sycophant doesn't set me up for rewards, it just means my face is an easier target while I'm licking the boot, and my tongue is tasting shit. Maybe there is some rigidity in me as a result of the rigidity I experienced in my environment, like I picked up a flea, because I can only see going along (including manipulating as well) to get along and subsequently losing my dignity, self-respect and inherent self-worth, or standing so firm that I become a static target for being knocked over or knocked out of the space entirely. But that latter part is catastrophizing, because a genuine, supportive leader isn't threatened by my demands for the treatment I gave others as a leader, is glad to talk to me eye-to-eye rather than talking down, and isn't at all threatened by accountability but is glad to be held accountable, because it helps them keep their own compass straight.
Writing that last paragraph was a bit healing, as was remembering the positive past experiences. The wounds aren't so inflamed now, throbbing and barking and weeping. I don't have to submit, and it's best not to, but unfortunately, when one has any kind of a boundary, there is always someone who will take it as a personal attack and do battle against it. I'm probably never going to get out from under the boots, yet in spite of it, my tongue is minty fresh and my core self unbroken. To paraphrase Elizabeth Gilbert (yeah, New Age eyeroll, but still), I have a backbone where it's supposed to be, not a wishbone. But goddamn, the reality sucks. Human societies have had milennia to get past this shit and learn to flourish. I don't see that it will happen, I see things are even worse.
I almost labled this as venting. I need a label for crying out against injustice, since that seems to be what most of my posts like this are about -- betrayals and moral wounds.
For me, everything was limited. My home was nice, but it was a prison, and my mother was a warden. I was extroverted but not allowed to socialize outside the house very often except for school and certain structured activities. My boundaries weren't respected (e.g., I was beaten, coerced, my mother snooped through my things), and I didn't have boundaries explained to me. Everything was rules and limits, do it right the first time even if you don't know how to do it, just an overly structured, super rigid environment.
I recently did a journaling exercise, a list of 100 problems with leadership -- I went waaaay over 100, closer to 400. I came to realize I've had less than five bosses or leaders in my life who did not abuse power over, who were actually supportive and empowering. Every other leader I've encountered has in some way been manipulative, dishonest, self-serving, and in some cases, abusive or even oppressive. As I'm writing, I remember that I myself have had leadership positions, not big ones like being a manager (though at times I've had the responsibiities without being given the title), but I was always happiest and got the best results when I was supporting and guiding, when I was open with others about information and goals, when I set benchmarks and structure, when I gave people room to screw up and learn from the experience and then get things back on track, and especially when I set clear boundaries about what was okay in that space and what was not, what belonged and what didn't, and let others have input about the boundaries so that everyone had ownership and was in agreement. I was open to questions and questioning. I created accountability within the structure, and I was open to being equally held accountable for my role. There was fun, productivity, and clear direction to keep things on track. My efforts in leading were appreciated, and no one was dominated. I forgot how great that felt! It's been quite awhile.
So yeah, I didn't respect my parents, they were illogical, abusive and oppressive, and while I had some supportive teachers (where I got most of my acceptance, encouragement and support), for the most part, I realize that it's not that I have a respect issue or don't know what I'm talking about so much as I've not encountered many people in positions of authority worthy of respect -- it was demanded but not at all earned, and usually not offered in return. I was more often than not a demand for submission. I have been betrayed by nearly every leader in my life, whether personally or impersonally/passively/as one of the many.
I came to realize in doing these exercises that I have compound wounds of deep betrayal, also called moral injury: "Moral injury refers to an injury to an individual's moral conscience and values resulting from an act of perceived moral transgression, which produces profound emotional guilt and shame, and in some cases also a sense of betrayal, anger and profound 'moral disorientation.'" (Wikipedia) I was also doing some reading on trauma, and learned that the word comes from the Greek for soul wound. I feel all of this: multiple, deep betrayals at a fundamental, core level; a profound, compound soul wound; and my moral compass having been beaten the shit out of...yet I never submitted, I just kept resisting, which means I rarely got the comfort of fitting in, of getting rewards for "knowing my place." I've never stopped believing that power should support and serve, bring the best out of people, build power from the bottom up instead of stomping from the top down.
Societies are built on hierarchies of respect, but really, I think they're hierarchies of submission. It seems to me like most folks, once they're in the postion of power, do as was done unto them, and it's finally their turn to wield power over others. Call me idealistic, but when power is given and shared, then everyone is empowered, everyone can reach potential, and a society that functions like that could flourish.
I have quite an attiude with Siddhartha Gautama, I don't like calling him "Buddha." I think he fucked up as a leader and had some blind spots about his own domination issues, to put it kindly, but he did say something that strongly resonates with me and is resonating anew here: that the roots of violence and oppression (and, I would add, tyranny) come from the thought, "I have power, and I want power."
I don't know how to deal with these wounds I've written about, and so I'm writing. They come from boundary violations, and I know from experience that changing a boundary never makes things better, it only increases resentment and frustration for letting someone get away with something. Being a sycophant doesn't set me up for rewards, it just means my face is an easier target while I'm licking the boot, and my tongue is tasting shit. Maybe there is some rigidity in me as a result of the rigidity I experienced in my environment, like I picked up a flea, because I can only see going along (including manipulating as well) to get along and subsequently losing my dignity, self-respect and inherent self-worth, or standing so firm that I become a static target for being knocked over or knocked out of the space entirely. But that latter part is catastrophizing, because a genuine, supportive leader isn't threatened by my demands for the treatment I gave others as a leader, is glad to talk to me eye-to-eye rather than talking down, and isn't at all threatened by accountability but is glad to be held accountable, because it helps them keep their own compass straight.
Writing that last paragraph was a bit healing, as was remembering the positive past experiences. The wounds aren't so inflamed now, throbbing and barking and weeping. I don't have to submit, and it's best not to, but unfortunately, when one has any kind of a boundary, there is always someone who will take it as a personal attack and do battle against it. I'm probably never going to get out from under the boots, yet in spite of it, my tongue is minty fresh and my core self unbroken. To paraphrase Elizabeth Gilbert (yeah, New Age eyeroll, but still), I have a backbone where it's supposed to be, not a wishbone. But goddamn, the reality sucks. Human societies have had milennia to get past this shit and learn to flourish. I don't see that it will happen, I see things are even worse.
I almost labled this as venting. I need a label for crying out against injustice, since that seems to be what most of my posts like this are about -- betrayals and moral wounds.
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