Here again trying to provide recovery resources. I am quite good in finding ideas for off-topic but recovery is hard for me. It should not sound as a shallow platitude which annoys anyone anyway. But I am a pretty negative person and I am not good in thinking positively still I will try.
I have read this quite some times. I am not sure how much truth there is in the following statement. Many suicidal people don't necessarily want to die. They just don't want to continue with their current life quality. I am quite sure some people will respond this does not apply to me. I am not sure if I had to guess how many suicidal people would choose a life with better life quality over a death which consists of nothingness.
I think I would prefer a life with better life quality over committing suicide (even peacefully.)
Maybe if I had the choice never to come into existence I would agree because I see how horrible life potentially can get. Though this is in itself a contradiction. Because in order to have this choice I would need to be existent. A thinking being.
For me personally it is a huge difference between not coming into existence and committing suicide. I am quite sure (from my past experiences) that the daily ruminating about suicide is agonizing (and approaching suicide in general). When I was younger I thought suicide was easy. For me this is absolutely not true. For me a huge pain is involved (to drive me over the edge.) Or in general thinking so much about suicide changes a person. I have now more than one decade suicidal thoughts. (There was one year without but I was in a manic episode which resulted in extreme pain.) It feels so absurd to think so much about it.
Sometimes it feels like a waste of time. It is kind of weird. When thinking about suicide feels like wasting time because in some sense you end your own time with suicide. So on different levels there might be more productive things to do. However I cannot let my suicidality go. I think I should not elaborate too much into that direction this thread still should give positive vibes.
When I was acute suicidal some years ago. After my manic crash I was in a clinic. I was in extreme pain. I was extremely agitated. After some weeks I got a little bit better. The time actively planning my suicide was nightmarish. I jumped from one method to the next. When people mentioned trains for example I always imagined myself jumping in front of one. I thought about it 24/7.
Though when I was in this huge existential crisis and the worst part was over (it got slightly better) I promised myself doing everything I can in order to avoid suicide. Doing it felt not good for me. I rather felt forced to commit suicide. (This is something I often repeat). I feel forced to commit suicide. I don't genuinely want to die.
There are several reasons for that. I think I as a human am not programmed for commiting suicide. I think I am quite self-destructive in many instances. But having to end your own life with your own hands feels against my nature. Humans are programmed to survive. So survival instinct is extremely strong.
Moreover I am a person who worries and ruminates so much. Especially when facing important decisions. And I was very scared to make my life even way worse by surviving a suicide attempt. I already pressure me (usually) on an insane level. Everything felt so hellish for me to that time. I was overburdened. With my pain, my life, my pressure to act on suicide, extreme agitation. After planning actively suicide (I searched a place to jump down from) I went to a clinic. I told my best friend that I stood at the 7th floor of my apartment and considered to jump. I had the insane pressure to act on my thoughts. It felt extremely hellish. I got slightly better in the clinic. I had less pressure to act on it because I could not do it anyway there. And the therapists tried to help me. Still they made mistakes I think. But I vented like 8 hours without a break to a very patient female therapist. Not everything there was perfect but it rather was a relief not to be lonely during that time. I think going there voluntarily had some advantages. I am not sure how psychiatry is structured in different countries. But I was not in the psych ward. I was acute suicidal but in a clinic with more freedom. I could still access my smartphone and could go for a walk. After the very acute period even alone.
Furthermore I felt sorry for my friends and family. Or the people who would find my body. I don't want to give anyone a guilty conscience I really hated that when people tried that with me. But I also thought a lot about the consequences for them. Especially how my friends could cope with it because I truely love them.
My main argument is. If I already exist I want to have the best life possible. For me commiting suicide felt painful. I saw how other people could enjoy their life ,they had the things I wanted to have. I compared myself a lot with them. In some ways this also can make you unhappy. But it also motivated me trying to get a glimpse of a how a good life can feel like.
I try to be more humble for my current mental state/life quality since then. I think this is impossible when one is at rock bottom. After this breakdown I tried to systematically improve my life. A lot of things failed before it became better. But I had some success and I improved in some instances I would never had imagine. (through therapy, a support network, friends, medication, people who invested time to help me, not giving up despite the fact the odds were against me etc.) I missed a lot of things during my major depression. And it feels good to get things back. I had success to (slowly) stop some medication without a relapse and got rid of nasty side effects. I can attend college without getting manic (so far).
Others might have a better outcome (at this point) but compared to how low I was I am also proud of myself for having fought that fight. For me saying goodbye to this world feels very sad if I have to do it because of misery. I am quite ill and I struggle a lot but I try to be not too harsh on myself because I am innocent for my vulnerability. Life is often very unfair. And blaming oneself for it can make it even worse. We are innocent for our abuse and how horrible other people treat(ed) us.
What do you think about it? Would you want to live under the right circumstances?
I have read this quite some times. I am not sure how much truth there is in the following statement. Many suicidal people don't necessarily want to die. They just don't want to continue with their current life quality. I am quite sure some people will respond this does not apply to me. I am not sure if I had to guess how many suicidal people would choose a life with better life quality over a death which consists of nothingness.
I think I would prefer a life with better life quality over committing suicide (even peacefully.)
Maybe if I had the choice never to come into existence I would agree because I see how horrible life potentially can get. Though this is in itself a contradiction. Because in order to have this choice I would need to be existent. A thinking being.
For me personally it is a huge difference between not coming into existence and committing suicide. I am quite sure (from my past experiences) that the daily ruminating about suicide is agonizing (and approaching suicide in general). When I was younger I thought suicide was easy. For me this is absolutely not true. For me a huge pain is involved (to drive me over the edge.) Or in general thinking so much about suicide changes a person. I have now more than one decade suicidal thoughts. (There was one year without but I was in a manic episode which resulted in extreme pain.) It feels so absurd to think so much about it.
Sometimes it feels like a waste of time. It is kind of weird. When thinking about suicide feels like wasting time because in some sense you end your own time with suicide. So on different levels there might be more productive things to do. However I cannot let my suicidality go. I think I should not elaborate too much into that direction this thread still should give positive vibes.
When I was acute suicidal some years ago. After my manic crash I was in a clinic. I was in extreme pain. I was extremely agitated. After some weeks I got a little bit better. The time actively planning my suicide was nightmarish. I jumped from one method to the next. When people mentioned trains for example I always imagined myself jumping in front of one. I thought about it 24/7.
Though when I was in this huge existential crisis and the worst part was over (it got slightly better) I promised myself doing everything I can in order to avoid suicide. Doing it felt not good for me. I rather felt forced to commit suicide. (This is something I often repeat). I feel forced to commit suicide. I don't genuinely want to die.
There are several reasons for that. I think I as a human am not programmed for commiting suicide. I think I am quite self-destructive in many instances. But having to end your own life with your own hands feels against my nature. Humans are programmed to survive. So survival instinct is extremely strong.
Moreover I am a person who worries and ruminates so much. Especially when facing important decisions. And I was very scared to make my life even way worse by surviving a suicide attempt. I already pressure me (usually) on an insane level. Everything felt so hellish for me to that time. I was overburdened. With my pain, my life, my pressure to act on suicide, extreme agitation. After planning actively suicide (I searched a place to jump down from) I went to a clinic. I told my best friend that I stood at the 7th floor of my apartment and considered to jump. I had the insane pressure to act on my thoughts. It felt extremely hellish. I got slightly better in the clinic. I had less pressure to act on it because I could not do it anyway there. And the therapists tried to help me. Still they made mistakes I think. But I vented like 8 hours without a break to a very patient female therapist. Not everything there was perfect but it rather was a relief not to be lonely during that time. I think going there voluntarily had some advantages. I am not sure how psychiatry is structured in different countries. But I was not in the psych ward. I was acute suicidal but in a clinic with more freedom. I could still access my smartphone and could go for a walk. After the very acute period even alone.
Furthermore I felt sorry for my friends and family. Or the people who would find my body. I don't want to give anyone a guilty conscience I really hated that when people tried that with me. But I also thought a lot about the consequences for them. Especially how my friends could cope with it because I truely love them.
My main argument is. If I already exist I want to have the best life possible. For me commiting suicide felt painful. I saw how other people could enjoy their life ,they had the things I wanted to have. I compared myself a lot with them. In some ways this also can make you unhappy. But it also motivated me trying to get a glimpse of a how a good life can feel like.
I try to be more humble for my current mental state/life quality since then. I think this is impossible when one is at rock bottom. After this breakdown I tried to systematically improve my life. A lot of things failed before it became better. But I had some success and I improved in some instances I would never had imagine. (through therapy, a support network, friends, medication, people who invested time to help me, not giving up despite the fact the odds were against me etc.) I missed a lot of things during my major depression. And it feels good to get things back. I had success to (slowly) stop some medication without a relapse and got rid of nasty side effects. I can attend college without getting manic (so far).
Others might have a better outcome (at this point) but compared to how low I was I am also proud of myself for having fought that fight. For me saying goodbye to this world feels very sad if I have to do it because of misery. I am quite ill and I struggle a lot but I try to be not too harsh on myself because I am innocent for my vulnerability. Life is often very unfair. And blaming oneself for it can make it even worse. We are innocent for our abuse and how horrible other people treat(ed) us.
What do you think about it? Would you want to live under the right circumstances?
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