When I was young I wanted to become a powerful politician. I watched too much House of Cards during that time. As the main protagonist I experienced severe domestic violence and this gave me the desire for power over other people. The depiction of suicide is also pretty stupid in that series. I think a high politician takes some sleeping pills and whine and she peacefully passes away. What I want to say a TV show does not necessarily represent the reality. I also watched Ray Donovan at that age. A dysfunctional man sexually abused as a child solving his business issues with violence. Those series gave me a wrong notion of reality. And I think I got a wrong role model for what it means to be a responsible man.
As I said when I was younger I was interested into becoming a politician. I think David Foster Wallace wanted that either. But we both came to the conclusion if you once was in a nut house noone will take you serious. This especially applies to me because my illness is way more stigmatized than depression. The first time after my first psychosis was extremely painful. Suddenly my life was chaos. I thought I had a future and then everything broke together. The contrast was pretty extreme and I was very ashamed for my condition and had to realize what really happened. I started to think about my childhood and the potential reasons for my breakdown.
It is ironic I think I will never be able to hold even a part-time job and fulfilling all my duties. My parents help me with that a lot. I plan to commit suicide when my mom dies because honestly I am too dysfunctional for this world. I am reliant on a lot of help and I know how mentally ill people usually live that cannot keep their act together. I lost a lot of self-confidence after all these acute episodes. Prior that during my manic episodes I thought I could achieve anything.
My relation to responsibility has completely changed. I am extremely scared about it. I am very sensitive to (performance) pressure and this can induce OCD behavior. I am even scared to drive a car because I think I cannot handle it. As you see with being this dysfunctional living till old age would become pretty difficult. I struggle to make decisions especially when I am depressed. It is a quite a stupid pattern. Either I do something while being fully perfect or I don't do it at all. And this is absolutely toxic.
I am very glad I don't have children and never would want one. My parents showed me raising kids is a huge responsibility and one could torture a human being for the rest of his or her life if one fucks it up. My parents were horrendous in many instances. But I am not sure whether I would really be better. My financials are non-existent and I think I would hate myself every single day that I doomed them to potentially experience the same nightmarish things that happened to me.
I am way too much of a wreck for this world. The world crushed me irreversibly and tormented me while driving me closer and closer to an edge where I feel with my back towards the corner and suicide will be the least bad of all horrible options.
One thing to add. I think I am a person that plans the future pretty accurately. I think others could enjoy the current feeling on benzos and slight manic symptoms. But I know what awaits me and fading that out seems naive for me. There are many scenarios where there is simply no other way than suicide for me. Though when I compare myself with many people in this forum they are more in an acute crisis I admit. At the same time this could change pretty quickly. And my venting about my life seems to have a slightly decreasing effect on my manic symptoms. So I try to have a self-destructive prophecy as long as possible. In fact too much positive thinking led my into an abyss during my two past manic episodes. Though I have the feeling this illness necessarily proceeds in cycles giving me no chance of surviving. I need more and more addictive medication to ease my symptoms despite the fact I have less courses and work less. At the same time it is not a tolerance to medication which is reponsible for that.
I will end it here it is kind of off-topic.
As I said when I was younger I was interested into becoming a politician. I think David Foster Wallace wanted that either. But we both came to the conclusion if you once was in a nut house noone will take you serious. This especially applies to me because my illness is way more stigmatized than depression. The first time after my first psychosis was extremely painful. Suddenly my life was chaos. I thought I had a future and then everything broke together. The contrast was pretty extreme and I was very ashamed for my condition and had to realize what really happened. I started to think about my childhood and the potential reasons for my breakdown.
It is ironic I think I will never be able to hold even a part-time job and fulfilling all my duties. My parents help me with that a lot. I plan to commit suicide when my mom dies because honestly I am too dysfunctional for this world. I am reliant on a lot of help and I know how mentally ill people usually live that cannot keep their act together. I lost a lot of self-confidence after all these acute episodes. Prior that during my manic episodes I thought I could achieve anything.
My relation to responsibility has completely changed. I am extremely scared about it. I am very sensitive to (performance) pressure and this can induce OCD behavior. I am even scared to drive a car because I think I cannot handle it. As you see with being this dysfunctional living till old age would become pretty difficult. I struggle to make decisions especially when I am depressed. It is a quite a stupid pattern. Either I do something while being fully perfect or I don't do it at all. And this is absolutely toxic.
I am very glad I don't have children and never would want one. My parents showed me raising kids is a huge responsibility and one could torture a human being for the rest of his or her life if one fucks it up. My parents were horrendous in many instances. But I am not sure whether I would really be better. My financials are non-existent and I think I would hate myself every single day that I doomed them to potentially experience the same nightmarish things that happened to me.
I am way too much of a wreck for this world. The world crushed me irreversibly and tormented me while driving me closer and closer to an edge where I feel with my back towards the corner and suicide will be the least bad of all horrible options.
One thing to add. I think I am a person that plans the future pretty accurately. I think others could enjoy the current feeling on benzos and slight manic symptoms. But I know what awaits me and fading that out seems naive for me. There are many scenarios where there is simply no other way than suicide for me. Though when I compare myself with many people in this forum they are more in an acute crisis I admit. At the same time this could change pretty quickly. And my venting about my life seems to have a slightly decreasing effect on my manic symptoms. So I try to have a self-destructive prophecy as long as possible. In fact too much positive thinking led my into an abyss during my two past manic episodes. Though I have the feeling this illness necessarily proceeds in cycles giving me no chance of surviving. I need more and more addictive medication to ease my symptoms despite the fact I have less courses and work less. At the same time it is not a tolerance to medication which is reponsible for that.
I will end it here it is kind of off-topic.
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