Discussion Would you/ Did you have to 'shrink' to be in a relationship?

[Forever Sleep]

Firstly, I've never been in a relationship. I really wanted to be when I was younger but, I didn't have the looks or confidence for it. Plus, I tended to have crushes on guys way out of my league and wasn't interested in anything casual. As I reached my 40's, the want (thankfully) started to go. Especially since my crushes were all crazy limerent style! But, there were other realisations I think too.

I happened to come across this video this morning and, a few things made me think:



The clip focussed on feminine 'power' although- I suppose that's my first query. I've known both older men as well as women content to be on their own. Also some that still longed for a partner. I wonder what makes the content single people different. I suppose we are a social species by nature but then, why are some of us seemingly ok alone? I'd say I am now. Some is because they've had awful experiences but, I think some end up choosing the single path.

The clip refers to people having to 'shrink' in order to be in relationships. To become a supporting character in the other person's life story. I think weirdly- subconsciously, this is also something I've tried to avoid. Even if I had the chance to be with some of the guys I had crushes on- I tended to go for successful men.

Not necessarily rich. Just those who had a drive and passion for something- because, I used to too. But, I think I probably knew that would likely mean it would be all about them pretty much and, supporting them and- I likely wouldn't have been prepared to give up my dreams to do that. Do you think one person in a partnership does end up living in the other's shadow or, can you both encourage each other to shine?

Do you think you would substantially change to attract or keep someone and, would it be worth it ultimately? That's something else I suppose. I wasn't really prepared to comply to the most attractive attributes women are 'supposed' to have. I'm not sure any reward would be worth some of them. I expect the same goes for men too. Maybe they either feel they can't or don't want to comply with what is expected of them.

The video also talks about one person filling in the emotional gaps in another. I think this was very much what I wanted when I was young. I had this idea that having a partner would make me feel whole. I'm not sure that I am exactly whole now but then, I don't feel so un- whole now. A friend once asked why I did actually want someone once. I said it would be nice to share life with someone but then- maybe they were pointing out that I was in fact ok alone.

I think the very hope that someone else would be able to fill in the emotional gaps though was kind of telling- that I likely wasn't relationship material because- could they really? I suppose it's that whole idea of loving yourself, before you can love someone else. I'm not entirely sure I do still but, I accept myself more I think now.

The video quotes Carl Jung quite a lot, including:

'The privelage of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.'

Do you think that's possible with a partner? Do you think it's more enhanced with a partner even? Maybe you feel you aren't able to be your true self because you aren't with someone.

I think overall, the video uses too broad strokes. I'm sure not all women feel cramped in their relationships. I also think that men can feel like they have to shrink in order to accomodate the woman's demands. I know plenty of men who are under the thumb!

What do you think though? Are you content to be alone? Was a partnership the best or worst thing that happened in life? Have you had to 'shrink' to be in a relationship or, did it help you to emotionally grow?

 

[not yet]

I still don't quite understand what it means to "shrink" to be in relationship. Both the thread and the video are about older people, and I'm only 20, just so you know.

Firstly, I'll comment on the video. The video tells about men thinking they are only expected just to provide financial stability. This is where men are expected to "shrink", I suppose. The author also says that women actually need someone who matches their emotional depth, their commitment to growth. He also said that women are expected to be supportive and caring—and that, if I understand it correctly, is where women are expected to "shrink". But hey, what should men want from women then?

Now about me. I've always thought that a partner should complement you, not limit you. Help you realize your potential, not push it away. Have I always thought so?.. More like, since the moment the girl I first fell in love with rejected. I liked her for many things, and one of the dreams that came to my mind was achieving goals with her, since we both have a strong interest art, whether it's indie gamedev or animation. After much reflection and research I finally realized that the main expectation from a man is financial stability.

And to answer the thread's question: no, I don't think I would "shrink" to be in relationships. I don't want to bend over backwards to become "successful" financially. I don't want to consciously learn to use tricks to keep girls interested. I don't want to make many meaningless connections just to seem social. And I'm not even interested in sex, so I don't even want put in the effort to become the guy that girls would be attracted to.


And yet, solitude won't bring me peace. I'll always be depressed because I'm nowhere near my dream of expiriencing a life with a loving girl like her. This is mainly why I am suicidal, frustration and jealousy will saffocate me.
Let me know if I've misaunderstood anything btw, I may be a moron.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I still don't quite understand what it means to "shrink" to be in relationship. Both the thread and the video are about older people, and I'm only 20, just so you know.

Firstly, I'll comment on the video. The video tells about men thinking they are only expected just to provide financial stability. This is where men are expected to "shrink", I suppose. The author also says that women actually need someone who matches their emotional depth, their commitment to growth. He also said that women are expected to be supportive and caring—and that, if I understand it correctly, is where women are expected to "shrink". But hey, what should men want from women then?

Now about me. I've always thought that a partner should complement you, not limit you. Help you realize your potential, not push it away. Have I always thought so?.. More like, since the moment the girl I first fell in love with rejected. I liked her for many things, and one of the dreams that came to my mind was achieving goals with her, since we both have a strong interest art, whether it's indie gamedev or animation. After much reflection and research I finally realized that the main expectation from a man is financial stability.

And to answer the thread's question: no, I don't think I would "shrink" to be in relationships. I don't want to bend over backwards to become "successful" financially. I don't want to consciously learn to use tricks to keep girls interested. I don't want to make many meaningless connections just to seem social. And I'm not even interested in sex, so I don't even want put in the effort to become the guy that girls would be attracted to.


And yet, solitude won't bring me peace. I'll always be depressed because I'm nowhere near my dream of expiriencing a life with a loving girl like her. This is mainly why I am suicidal, frustration and jealousy will saffocate me.
Let me know if I've misaunderstood anything btw, I may be a moron.

The video is more about older women I suppose and, especially those who have experienced more (traditional perhaps) relationships and gender roles- where it was (debatably) more the woman's role to support and nurture/ care, rather than pursue her own goals and beliefs. So- there were examples of women feeling more free to pursue hobbies for example, after divorcing.

I suppose it's mainly the feeling of having to fit into someone else's life and fulfil their needs. But- I agree with you. Probably in the best relationships, both partners need to do that and better still- they share interests so that the give and take aspect isn't so much a chore as something effortless.

I think the argument probably was more for older women- that they could well already be financially stable so- the draw women may have when they are younger- to financial stability- isn't needed so much as they grow. That could be the case in general, with more women able to financially support themselves. So- the traditional- men paying for emotional support (effectively) maybe doesn't pan out so well now.

The video claims that women are attracted to men who have already done the emotional work on themselves. That was something I always found a little elusive myself when I was young. The whole- you need to love yourself first to have a healthy relationship. But then, it probably carries some weight. I could see myself becoming co-dependent because I would likely be too needy.

I feel like I did 'shrink'- others would argue- 'grow' in order to attract someone though. I changed my appearance, wore horribly uncomfortable cloths and make up to try and attract this guy. Other people (and guys especially) saw that as growth but truly- it was trying to be what I wasn't. I didn't stand a chance anyway but then, it's good that I didn't really. I doubt I would have ended up happy playing that character.

But yeah- I agree. I don't think it's sustainable to be what we're not. I'm sorry the girl you liked didn't reciprocate.

 

[Black_Knight]

I do the opposite, under pressure I expand like a pufferfish, my internal warnings against emotional threat fire like mad. I think I'm much more likely to respond with emotional violence than to truly shrink, or I might intermittently vacillate between the two. One is a response to the polite, surface level narrative, the other is a visceral reaction. I don't want to ever be caught in that internal conflict again, not only because it's harmful to me, but because it's harmful to a hypothetical partner.

I do want a relationship, but as I'm getting older I'm okay enough on my own. I realized when I was younger, my relationships were kind of mutually exploitative. We were using each other to get what we needed (affection, stability), but either one of us probably could have been just about anyone who was willing to enter the same "contract". I don't want a relationship like that in the future. I'm not as attractive as I used to be so that puts a dent in my confidence to begin with, but I also know that I need to be discerning and jointly create a truly understanding relationship that goes beyond needs and wants. That takes someone who I uniquely share a wavelength with, and who I haven't met yet. I literally wouldn't be able to tolerate or function in any other way at this point.

So now the problem is finding my footing so that I have something to provide a potential partner that isn't just a blank "resource" (sex or whatever). Something unique between us, idk, but where I can also stand on my own while they do the same and the focus of the relationship is about the intertwinement of those things, rather than mutual "exchange".

But people are so complicated, idk. And I'm less willing to compromise. I might be alone for the rest of my life, and although that's not my ideal, it might be okay.

Also I've been on both sides of the fence. I've had two relationships in my life. In one, I basically wore the pants, and in the other, he did. That's how I realized I was uncomfortable with either role.

 

[Pluto]