Would you cut off a friend completely for talking about you behind your back?

[WitheringAway]

Is it reasonable? Am I overreacting? He admitted he made a mistake, what he said and apologized. Asked for forgiveness. I don't feel like I have it in me.. to forgive betrayal by someone I trusted. It seems so disrespectful of him to just ask me for "a fresh start". I already gave him 2 chances. For some context what he said about me was during a fight we had so he went on and told people about it in a rude way. Painting me as evil and crazy. I know both of us were angry but I can't justify it. I wanna cut him off once and for all but I don't wanna look back and regret it someday. It was always easy for me to just walk away from "friends" But at times I looked back and wished I had done things differently. Now I feel like I'm deranged and I need to make compromises for some reason. I don't know why I feel obligated to stay. I know I don't owe him anything and I know this friendship is causing me pain and suffering. that's why I don't wanna make friends anymore. I wish I was dead so I don't have to feel all this. There's something seriously wrong with me. I can't keep a friend.

 

[waived]

It is okay to take time away from people in relationships including friendships. It can be completely blinding trying to deal with this type of thing when you are so close to it and when it is so fresh. I think it takes a great deal of social maturity to mandate that taking such breaks is okay. It is a social way of being that you are introducing to the relationship, it is how *you* conduct yourself. You don't have to have the answers right now or ever.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

I wouldn't cut off a friend for it, but it might be completely reasonable for you. We're all different and we're all flawed. Something that is not a problem for one person might be a deal breaker for another and vice versa. If you don't feel like you can forgive him, what's the point in continuing the "friendship"?

 

[Life_and_Death]

my friend and i had the same kind of problem. i trust them with everything and they know that. the next thing i know hes messaging me saying "this person isnt so bad" (the person hes talking about is someone thats hurt me in multiple ways and left me crying at times). trust, everything out the window, smashed, thrown on the ground and stepped on. i literally felt my heart being destroyed.

now it depends on your dynamics with the person but after a little while i started to come around a little bit and now we're doing ok.

 

[BPD Barbie]

For me it depends what was said and who it was said to. I probably couldn't trust that person again though and I'd keep them at arms length from then on.

 

[netrezven]

My rules: What would matter for me is the way I find out what he said. If you know it from your friend, than I would keep my trust. I think that in a real friendship it's ok to say what you think, even if you are affected. At least there is no lie. If he said what he had in mind is ok.
But if a friend tells obvious lies behind your back-cut him off 100%.
If you know from others what he said, no matter what he said -cut him off 200%. If he is so stupid to trust others, that betray him in an instant, he should not be in your circle for sure. I mean he or she, doesn't matter.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'm definitely weird for this, but I would actually be more upset if my friends weren't talking about me behind my back at least a little bit. I might be a narcissist for this, but even if they're badmouthing me I'd actually welcome that over nothing for some reason. I think it's natural to want to talk to other people about whether your friends are doing harmful stuff and talking behind their back first is one way to iron out those thoughts to see if they're valid before raising these issues with the person themselves and potentially causing more harm. Of course, gossip for the sake of gossip has its limits and I can see why other people would not appreciate that about themselves plus the gossipers in question can be very two-faced around the people they're talking about of course.

I don't know, I think in my case my friends are just too nice to me whether I'm there or not. They'll always have something negative to say about my other friends but whenever I try to get them to criticize me in a meaningful way, they can't muster up anything more other than the fact they're concerned about me for being "too hard on myself". Screw that! If you're going to call out one friend of ours for being an absentminded fool, then what am I to you? I can walk circles around everyone we know in the uncaring psychopath department. Stop overlooking my issues and just say awful things about me goddamnit!

 

[Lordsudbury]

I am on the receiving end of being cut off after apologizing profusely and it really sucks and I lost my job, family, friends and I even had to leave the country. Not to be dramatic.

I am of the opinion that everything can and should be forgiven (unless extreme situations), relationships last a lifetime and people change when they know they've messed up. I am more forgiving and don't believe in cutting people out. Cuz now I'm gonna kill myself cuz I've lost everything. The collateral damage can be huge if the person doesn't have a good support network.

 

[WitheringAway]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond to this. I feel a little bit better the situation as I've put an end to it and I'm trying to move on now. I'm not in a state of mind where I'm capable of reconciliation and holding resentment. I think it's ok for me to be alone for awhile. I don't know what will happen in the future. Thank you guys.

 

[woxihuanni]

Friendship is mostly an illusion.

 

[Chupacabra 44]

I've done this before, because there was lots at stake concerning the incident. But, as the years went by, I wished I had turned the other cheek.

 

[sadworld]

I never tried to have friends again because of things like that... Not that I actually had the choice to have friends in the first place.

 

[Good4Nothing]

My friends talked shit about me behind my back. I talked shit about them behind their backs. We all just talked shit about each other. Minor speedbumps. It never effected our friendships for long. We'd all still be friends now if we hadn't grown up and grew apart.

We were products of a different time, though. We didn't throw people away like garbage for the smallest perceived slight. We were brought up believing "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me".