Would writing a letter be pointless?

[Pryras]

I'm working with the sexual assault centre in town and was suggested to write a letter to the guy who hurt me. I've already said a lot in the past but surprisingly managed to write quite a bit more that I could format and send as a letter....although I'm not sure what difference that would make. At first I thought it was a good idea but it just seems like a pointless effort.

I couldn't get through to him before so why would he change now? I doubt anything could change his mind or way of thinking.

This sounds kind of redundant but would you write a letter or just leave it? Im in the healing stages and my therapist is throwing ideas at me hoping one will stick. Im not sure if this would be it.

 

[AnxietyAttack44]

Ive been through few rape attempts in past (im small and weak). They didnt care one bit. Not even legal consequencess worried them. So i think they might read it and ignore it. I hope that your letter gets through them. Atleast 1

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

If I did it, I would do it for me, not with any hope that it would get through to him, but if I needed to, to make it very clear that I did not consent, that he crossed my boundaries, he committed a crime, and his conscience would always know it even if he never admitted it. However, he's proven he's a narcissist, so whatever attention you give him, he will use as fuel for himself and potentially use against you. I'm surprised your counselor is encouraging more contact rather than permanent no contact (except seeing him on trial if that ever happened, but there would be plenty of space and people between you to enforce no contact). He's already tried to hoover you once since his ex left, and you set him straight then. If anything, I think you can educate your counselor as to why this is a bad idea, what narcissistic behavior looks like like, and show her how listening to your feelings that this isn't right for you show how you are empowered and that this is what should be guiding your therapy, that you, the client, should be guiding your therapy. Otherwise, she has her own boundary issues to work on, and it would behoove her to hear that constructive criticism. I would turn her on to the books In Sheep's Clothing and Boundaries.

I would tell myself, but not him, all the things he didn't take, and all the good in me that he did not change and make negative like he is. I have in the past written letters to myself about how proud of myself I am, what I overcame, how I grew, etc. Maybe it would help to do things like that to start taking the focus off of him and putting it on yourself, because you're worthy of it and he is not.

 

[Pryras]

If I did it, I would do it for me, not with any hope that it would get through to him, but if I needed to, to make it very clear that I did not consent, that he crossed my boundaries, he committed a crime, and his conscience would always know it even if he never admitted it. However, he's proven he's a narcissist, so whatever attention you give him, he will use as fuel for himself and potentially use against you. I'm surprised your counselor is encouraging more contact rather than permanent no contact (except seeing him on trial if that ever happened, but there would be plenty of space and people between you to enforce no contact). He's already tried to hoover you once since his ex left, and you set him straight then. If anything, I think you can educate your counselor as to why this is a bad idea, what narcissistic behavior looks like like, and show her how listening to your feelings that this isn't right for you show how you are empowered and that this is what should be guiding your therapy, that you, the client, should be guiding your therapy. Otherwise, she has her own boundary issues to work on, and it would behoove her to hear that constructive criticism. I would turn her on to the books In Sheep's Clothing and Boundaries.

I would tell myself, but not him, all the things he didn't take, and all the good in me that he did not change and make negative like he is. I have in the past written letters to myself about how proud of myself I am, what I overcame, how I grew, etc. Maybe it would help to do things like that to start taking the focus off of him and putting it on yourself, because you're worthy of it and he is not.

I agree, I think she's losing patience with me as her client and is just throwing ideas without truly understanding how a narcissist thinks. He has proven he doesn't care and nothing I say above that will change his consciousness. I'm sure he'll just use it as fuel down the road and that's not something I want to risk.

Btw I took your advice and didn't take revenge on him. I'm happier that I didn't. You were right, I felt powerful knowing what I could do and didn't have to risk him turning it into fuel. I'm learning to have the patience and equanimity to step back and allow him to crumble on his own. I don't necessarily believe in karma but I'm definitely sure his inherent narcissistic behaviour is going to cause him trouble.

 

[pole]

hey, hope you're doing well.

i agree with what @GoodPersonEffed said. imo, i don't see this as an exercise in getting through to the person who hurt you. i see it as something you do for yourself.

to me, it would be a letter to yourself, something that allows you to just pour out everything you feel and let out everything you've felt because of him, to finally be heard and not hold back and make the person know what they did to you, and its there choice in understanding it or not. but in all, this is FOR YOU, not him, period.

its just another step for you in slowly healing and getting better, and not letting this person define you for life. and you're right, what they've done and their consequences WILL get back to haunt them and it will be their downfall. people like this don't change and it catches up to them.

in doing such things, i hope one day you can truly be comfortable in speaking out and against this person and their wrongdoings and use you're strength in speaking out as motivation to those who choose to be silent and suffer in silence because they think thats the only way in healing.

take care.