Worthless

[Sadfairytale]

I wish I was a robot, programmed to be the perfect human being. Sometimes I feel so worthless. Due to my ADHD I can make a lot of mistakes without even realising it. I feel dumb, incompetent and worthless almost all the time. My parents raised me as if there was something wrong with me since I was 7. They told me I should act normal as if that was something I could do just like that. But I can't. I've been physically abused years of my young adulthood because of this. I would want to be perfect but my head is all over the place all the time. I can't control my impulses and that's why I harm myself when I do something stupid. Even though it was not on purpose. I want to smash my brains against a brick wall. Ritalin only makes my depression worse and makes me agressive (I don't consider myself to be an agressive person). I don't want to feel ashamed anymore of myself. I need someone who just gives me a hug to tell me Iam ok the way Iam. Or just somebody who tells me that my flaws don't matter. I feel so alone and I don't know what to do. I don't want to be me anymore. Usually when someone has patience and is nice with me I love to work on myself! Because I understand it can be hard sometimes. But mostly I just feel misunderstood and I want to end my own fucking misery.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i'm sorry to hear you've been treated so shittily. i hope you can find some people who understand your pain on here, and talking to people who do understand eases your pain a bit.

 

[Sadfairytale]

i'm sorry to hear you've been treated so shittily. i hope you can find some people who understand your pain on here, and talking to people who do understand eases your pain a bit.

I really hope so :/

 

[Xocoyotziin]

I'm going out on a limb here, but are you sure the things you think you do wrong are actually wrong? Either way, no one should be making you feel bad for being who you are, especially if you're not actively trying to hurt anyone.

I mean, I don't know the details, but I see a lot of people use adhd diagnoses in others as vehicles for their own abusive behaviors and as convenient scapegoats, while not recognizing that it's the abuse and the suggestion that they make about that person being incapable that destabilizes that person and not an inherent fault that they have.

These people don't have the right to control you and dictate the terms and standards by which you live. If they don't like you not conforming to their standards that's their problem, and they probably have their own issues if they keep trying to impose those standards anyway.

 

[Sadfairytale]

I'm going out on a limb here, but are you sure the things you think you do wrong are actually wrong? Either way, no one should be making you feel bad for being who you are, especially if you're not actively trying to hurt anyone.

I mean, I don't know the details, but I see a lot of people use adhd diagnoses in others as vehicles for their own abusive behaviors and as convenient scapegoats, while not recognizing that it's the abuse and the suggestion that they make about that person being incapable that destabilizes that person and not an inherent fault that they have.

These people don't have the right to control you and dictate the terms and standards by which you live. If they don't like you not conforming to their standards that's their problem, and they probably have their own issues if they keep trying to impose those standards anyway.

I believe I've done nothing wrong. I try to stay as nice and calm as I can be but some people just can't deal with the fact that I forget alot of things when Iam stressed and I never had a proper training to live with these 'traits'. So to get mad or annoyed when I forget two or three things is just very stressful to me and I can feel ashamed for a very long time. (Ptsd related, my stephdad used my disorder as a scapegoat even when I wasn't diagnosed yet. I got pushed around all the time since I was 7) And Iam so stressed I walk on eggs constantly. I don't want to make more mistakes. I must say I kinda have worked hard on myself to 'not' forget certain things and for me that's like good progress ( I find myself annoying at times too. Iam annoyed by myself, always losing things and forgetting what I was doing) but still, I can say things out of emotion and sometimes these things come out of my mouth the wrong way and people might get upset or angry even though I didn't mean it like that. Just some brain mistakes I don't even realise untill that person gets extremely angry. I get it but when I try to explain myself it's already too late and then I'll be stuck with shame following with a mindloop of ptsd, self hatred and a feeling of worthlessness. It's exhausting to live like this all the time/ my entire life. If i wasn't abused in the past because of my chaotic nature I would probably live a life without the intensity of that shame and anxiety.. and find a better way to deal with it. I can tell myself that I should be accepted for my traits and my disorder but there's always a voice in the back of my head screaming at me how worthless and stupid I am. :/ it's a combination of real life reactions to my flaws and a punishing voice in my head.

 

[antigone_iris]

I wish I was a robot, programmed to be the perfect human being. Sometimes I feel so worthless.

Please don't feel worthless. Perfection is overrated. You are not alone, we're here for you.

Ritalin only makes my depression worse and makes me agressive (I don't consider myself to be an agressive person).

I'm not qualified to give advice, but if it's not good for you, isn't it possible to get something else instead of Ritalin? Does your doctor know about the inefficacy of it in your situation?

I feel so alone and I don't know what to do. I don't want to be me anymore. Usually when someone has patience and is nice with me I love to work on myself!

If you feel like talking to someone, I'm here for you. Loneliness sucks.

 

[Giraffey]

Reading this was like a punch in the gut, I felt the pain of your words, the frustration not just of forgetting things but of being unable to express yourself in a way that people understand. I also have ADHD, the way I describe it to people is like being able to see a different colour, one totally unique and beyond comparison, one that nobody else can see. How can you describe something when not only do the words not exist to describe it, but any words you invent specifically to describe your subjective experience have no meaning to other people. Our minds are unique.

You could argue that we're not perfect, but there's a theory that says the reason ADHD is still so prominent is that there is an evolutionary advantage to having people with ADHD in society, we're the "out of the box" thinkers, the people whose brains don't quite function like the rest, we're creative and unconstrained by the limits of logic and reality. Of course, I know the pain of forgetting things and making mistakes. Believe me, there are only so many times you can happen upon the cup of tea you made half an hour ago but completely forgot about before you pick it up and angrily throw it into the basin with some choice swearing...

I think it's rather horrible that certain people around you are getting frustrated with you for something that you cannot help. I've experienced this as well, but the people I surround myself with now are far more understanding and honestly, it makes a real difference. When the people around you are supportive, you feel less angry with yourself, indeed, with them too, and life becomes that little bit easier to bear.

Anyway, I'm sorry that I don't have anything more practical to say, I just wanted to stop by and challenge this awful notion that you're broken or defective in some way, you have a unique mind, a very special mind, you have something in common with some of the greatest thinkers in history, people like you and me, we're not 'perfect', we're unique. I hope that your life will soon take you in a direction where the people surrounding you will appreciate and understand that. Hugs

 

[Sadfairytale]

Reading this was like a punch in the gut, I felt the pain of your words, the frustration not just of forgetting things but of being unable to express yourself in a way that people understand. I also have ADHD, the way I describe it to people is like being able to see a different colour, one totally unique and beyond comparison, one that nobody else can see. How can you describe something when not only do the words not exist to describe it, but any words you invent specifically to describe your subjective experience have no meaning to other people. Our minds are unique.

You could argue that we're not perfect, but there's a theory that says the reason ADHD is still so prominent is that there is an evolutionary advantage to having people with ADHD in society, we're the "out of the box" thinkers, the people whose brains don't quite function like the rest, we're creative and unconstrained by the limits of logic and reality. Of course, I know the pain of forgetting things and making mistakes. Believe me, there are only so many times you can happen upon the cup of tea you made half an hour ago but completely forgot about before you pick it up and angrily throw it into the basin with some choice swearing...

I think it's rather horrible that certain people around you are getting frustrated with you for something that you cannot help. I've experienced this as well, but the people I surround myself with now are far more understanding and honestly, it makes a real difference. When the people around you are supportive, you feel less angry with yourself, indeed, with them too, and life becomes that little bit easier to bear.

Anyway, I'm sorry that I don't have anything more practical to say, I just wanted to stop by and challenge this awful notion that you're broken or defective in some way, you have a unique mind, a very special mind, you have something in common with some of the greatest thinkers in history, people like you and me, we're not 'perfect', we're unique. I hope that your life will soon take you in a direction where the people surrounding you will appreciate and understand that. Hugs

Thankyou, that's the nicest thing I've read this year forreal
You've made my day.
I think you're right. I should surround myself with people who understand me and accept me for who Iam. It's easier said then done but I have something to work with. When shit escalates in my life I can't see clearly or make clear decisions for myself. So thank you very much for these insights

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I too am worthless

 

[Going Home]

People treat me like I'm worthless everyday so I can relate.

 

[Sadfairytale]

I too am worthless

I don't believe anyone is worthless but I believe people are just made to feel that way.