RealLostSoul
once rock bottom, always rock bottom
- Oct 11, 2019
- 211
Yet again back on this site to rant again ffs. Today was the worst day, so a bit about me, one big issue I need to fix is the fucking mental illness of body dysphoria. I was in queue for a surgery and today I finally got a date which is pretty spontaneous (2 weeks). So I talked with my parents and they chickened out and said they will not pay for it and I am not allowed to do it. All at the same time I am going through benzo withdrawal.
well to make it short, I snapped and not only kicked down doors but stabbed myself. Thankfully I talked my mother out of going to the hospital and I could bandage the wound up by myself. This fucking withdrawal drives me god damn crazy but I was dead set on quitting it for the surgery and stuff.
oh and btw important to mention: I never took any benzo for recreational purposes or something like that, no. Only medically indicated but having panic attacks every other day is really bad (I tried to take benzos every 2-3 days but even that created an addiction over the course of 2 months or so).
anyways, I was curious if it really is the withdrawal but my symptoms match. I have severe panic and anxiety (exaggerated) and psychosis. The psychosis part is really scary but I felt that this was like hearing your thoughts from the outside , hearing traumatizing phrases from your past, etc.
Sucks big time. Respect to everyone who lives with that and doesn't end it all.
Anyways, I was able to make it through the day and now at the evening it's slightly better so day 1 of withdrawal is done.
still very concerned about the surgery. Shit costs a lot and even my parents would have to go into debts for some time. No way I can ever get this amount of money by myself (I am 20) in the foreseeable future. So I am still VERY afraid of the future. No surgery means downward spiral of mental illness.
it's fate... i don't even get the chance to fix my life. I don't even get the fucking chance. Life really wants me to commit suicide right?
sorry for ranting again but yeass no one to talk to. I really hate myself too because I always come back talking about CTB but never do it. I finally want my SN but my fucking homie whom I'll get it from "is busy" rn
. Tip for everyone; having a friend receiving a package from you is a good thing but has it's downsides too.
ay btw if the SN is not ideal or I struggle with it I will overthink the method and go with CO probably.
i hate this ctb talk man I am so done with life I just wanna fucking do it now. Don't even want to write goodbye notes. Just end it all and be done with.
:(
well to make it short, I snapped and not only kicked down doors but stabbed myself. Thankfully I talked my mother out of going to the hospital and I could bandage the wound up by myself. This fucking withdrawal drives me god damn crazy but I was dead set on quitting it for the surgery and stuff.
oh and btw important to mention: I never took any benzo for recreational purposes or something like that, no. Only medically indicated but having panic attacks every other day is really bad (I tried to take benzos every 2-3 days but even that created an addiction over the course of 2 months or so).
anyways, I was curious if it really is the withdrawal but my symptoms match. I have severe panic and anxiety (exaggerated) and psychosis. The psychosis part is really scary but I felt that this was like hearing your thoughts from the outside , hearing traumatizing phrases from your past, etc.
Sucks big time. Respect to everyone who lives with that and doesn't end it all.
Anyways, I was able to make it through the day and now at the evening it's slightly better so day 1 of withdrawal is done.
still very concerned about the surgery. Shit costs a lot and even my parents would have to go into debts for some time. No way I can ever get this amount of money by myself (I am 20) in the foreseeable future. So I am still VERY afraid of the future. No surgery means downward spiral of mental illness.
it's fate... i don't even get the chance to fix my life. I don't even get the fucking chance. Life really wants me to commit suicide right?
sorry for ranting again but yeass no one to talk to. I really hate myself too because I always come back talking about CTB but never do it. I finally want my SN but my fucking homie whom I'll get it from "is busy" rn
. Tip for everyone; having a friend receiving a package from you is a good thing but has it's downsides too.ay btw if the SN is not ideal or I struggle with it I will overthink the method and go with CO probably.
i hate this ctb talk man I am so done with life I just wanna fucking do it now. Don't even want to write goodbye notes. Just end it all and be done with.
:(
Last edited:
