Venting Working when you know you're going to ctb in the near future is the weirdest feeling i have ever experienced

[ClownMe]

I should preface by saying im not sure if this is a vent or something else entirely, but i think it's somewhat of a vent, a different kind of vent.

Today I had a "moment of realisation" (i think that's how you'd describe it, not really sure what it was to be honest). Basically, before today i had always looked at work through the lense of the "just gotta survive another day" mentality, and i think i still do to an extent, however there is somewhat of another element at play now that I can't even explain.

So basically what happened was I had to watch this ridiculous video about planning for the future, because they wanted me to set goals for some reason. Anyway, in the video they had managers who worked their way to the top of the food chain after starting as crew members (i work fast food), the managers mainly babbled on about how they were able to make it to the top, save lots of money, buy houses, go on holidays etc etc and during it i wasnt even the slightest bit interested, in fact i almost literally fell asleep.

In my head i was thinking, "why don't i get a better job than this?", but then I thought about that a little more and came to the conclusion that it wouldn't even matter, the reason it doesn't matter is because nothing in this life interests me, money is pointless to me, it may give me a short time rush but the reality is that it cant fill the void for me, holidays are the same, i could be standing on the top of the Eiffel Tower, or watching the sun set over the Great Pyramids Of Giza, and i wouldn't feel a thing, I could be elected the President of the entire World and I still wouldn't feel dignified.

That video made me realise how far my brain had deviated from the false reality that is life. It was somewhat of a curse, but in many ways it was a blessing in disguise. I've never felt so calm about my future suicide, when the time comes for me to ctb, i feel like i will be able to accept it for what it is and let go without worry or regret. Work will still fucking suck of course, but hopefully this new found feeling will make it slightly more tolerable (probably not, but oh well).

I don't know if this post really helped anyone or resonated with anyone, or if anyone even wanted to hear it in the first place (lol), but I just really wanted to share it with someone after the big day i've had. My family doesn't take my mental health seriously and the only thing i'm even living for is my dog, i love how like minded and supportive the SS community is and if you read this entire post i'm extremely grateful.

What are your experiences with work when you know that you're really working for nothing because you plan to ctb soon?

 

[suicidesheep31]

I feel weird as well when I am in this state.
On one hand, I want to finish some tasks at work before to ctb.
But, knowing I will ctb anyway, I don't see the point any more to finish the tasks and tend to not work at all which imply that I am always postponing ctb + I feel really bad and wish more to ctb. It is a circle for me.

 

[Bedrock48]

Wait this is literally the experience I'm having currently. I started work around 2 weeks ago. My first realisation was when I was filling out forms and one of the questions was "how long do you plan to work for us". I think I put something along the lines of '1-2 years depending where life takes me'. Like, I'm not even expecting to live that long let alone work in a job.

It's a very weird feeling indeed, the planning for the future stuff sounds a little cringy for a workplace induction though lol. It's definitely good you got the job though, it does help you keep pushing forward. The sense of purpose can be nice until the illusion 'breaks' so to say.

 

[diyCTB]

Haven't worked for 13 years as employee. Have only worked as contractor and had small business for a couple of years which I realized was not for me in the end.

By now I should have made tangible income and have at least a decade of work experience with somewhat promising pension but have none of that.

After realizing that my CTB is inevitable I feel at peace and I feel freedom because I don't need to worry about those things and won't be forced to endure miserable existence.

 

[oned1saster]

That video made me realise how far my brain had deviated from the false reality that is life. It was somewhat of a curse, but in many ways it was a blessing in disguise. I've never felt so calm about my future suicide, when the time comes for me to ctb, i feel like i will be able to accept it for what it is and let go without worry or regret. Work will still fucking suck of course, but hopefully this new found feeling will make it slightly more tolerable (probably not, but oh well).

This is exactly what i'm feeling right now. Unfortunately, when we get into this state of mind, you realize that all the "good" things everyone says about the future, it really doesn't matter, it's a false reality. No matter how much money or goals we have, it doesn't mean anything in the end.
I'm feeling somehow relaxed about it too, my main focus right now is to get everything I need in order to make a sucessful ctb. Thinking about failure gets me really anxious, I don't wanna live with the consequences of failing tbh...

You talked about your dog, do you know what's going to happen with it after? I'm with my 2 cats and I don't want them to be alone here (I live by myself), this is something that I think about a lot

 

[ClownMe]

You talked about your dog, do you know what's going to happen with it after? I'm with my 2 cats and I don't want them to be alone here (I live by myself), this is something that I think about a lot

I should have mentioned this in my post, but he is 13 years old and i made a promise to myself that i would never ctb before he had died because he would so distraught that he would probably die of a broken heart due to the fact he loves me so much. He's the best friend i have ever had and i dread the day that i have to say goodbye to him, i know at that point i will have absolutely no desire left to live.

I hope you live for your 2 cats, even if it is painful.

Pets are so much better than humans, we don't deserve them.

 

[oned1saster]

I should have mentioned this in my post, but he is 13 years old and i made a promise to myself that i would never ctb before he had died because he would so distraught that he would probably die of a broken heart due to the fact he loves me so much. He's the best friend i have ever had and i dread the day that i have to say goodbye to him, i know at that point i will have absolutely no desire left to live.

I hope you live for your 2 cats, even if it is painful.

Pets are so much better than humans, we don't deserve them.

Oh I get it! That's true, he might feel very sad and honestly their love is worth it, it's the purest form of love. Sadly I'm having such a hard time that their presence makes me calm but unfortunately not enough to keep me going on anymore. That's why I don't want them to see me doing it and being here all by themselves.
I'm wishing you a peaceful week, and I hope your work environment gets better! I'll be here if you need to talk

 

[adam]

I quit my job this morning because the job was unbearable for me. Without formalities, I just wrote to my boss about my decision and quit all social networks. It will be better for me.

 

[profoundexperience]

i could be standing on the top of the Eiffel Tower, or watching the sun set over the Great Pyramids Of Giza, and i wouldn't feel a thing

Things that seem "inspiring" or "beautiful" to "normal people"... don't just cause me to feel "nothing"... they cause me to feel anguish & despair for all of it:

1. The pyramids, in particular, were constructed through outrageous slavery.
2. Your fast-food, forced, "video motivation" to "set goals"... is so self-serving & manipulative... it's sickening.
3. Even the most pleasurable feelings our bodies produce (like feelings of "love" or orgasm)... all exist for ulterior reasons (in order to coerce us to "do stuff").

AND, I don't want to take chemicals that make me "feel ok/good" about all these things either... Perhaps the reason those 14 antidepressants I tried never really worked on me is that I (somewhat) do see the "truth" of the way things are... and none of them I've tried is strong enough to override how bad a story all this is.

 

[WornOutLife]

Yeah, it's quite crazy!
What's more, I've been working a lot and even got new English courses so, more work is coming!

My idea is to save to visit Japan if I don't ctb and if I do, I'll just leave all that money to my dad.

That helps me, at least, to not hate working or consider it something pointless.

 

[FinalDays]

I should preface by saying im not sure if this is a vent or something else entirely, but i think it's somewhat of a vent, a different kind of vent.

Today I had a "moment of realisation" (i think that's how you'd describe it, not really sure what it was to be honest). Basically, before today i had always looked at work through the lense of the "just gotta survive another day" mentality, and i think i still do to an extent, however there is somewhat of another element at play now that I can't even explain.

So basically what happened was I had to watch this ridiculous video about planning for the future, because they wanted me to set goals for some reason. Anyway, in the video they had managers who worked their way to the top of the food chain after starting as crew members (i work fast food), the managers mainly babbled on about how they were able to make it to the top, save lots of money, buy houses, go on holidays etc etc and during it i wasnt even the slightest bit interested, in fact i almost literally fell asleep.

In my head i was thinking, "why don't i get a better job than this?", but then I thought about that a little more and came to the conclusion that it wouldn't even matter, the reason it doesn't matter is because nothing in this life interests me, money is pointless to me, it may give me a short time rush but the reality is that it cant fill the void for me, holidays are the same, i could be standing on the top of the Eiffel Tower, or watching the sun set over the Great Pyramids Of Giza, and i wouldn't feel a thing, I could be elected the President of the entire World and I still wouldn't feel dignified.

That video made me realise how far my brain had deviated from the false reality that is life. It was somewhat of a curse, but in many ways it was a blessing in disguise. I've never felt so calm about my future suicide, when the time comes for me to ctb, i feel like i will be able to accept it for what it is and let go without worry or regret. Work will still fucking suck of course, but hopefully this new found feeling will make it slightly more tolerable (probably not, but oh well).

I don't know if this post really helped anyone or resonated with anyone, or if anyone even wanted to hear it in the first place (lol), but I just really wanted to share it with someone after the big day i've had. My family doesn't take my mental health seriously and the only thing i'm even living for is my dog, i love how like minded and supportive the SS community is and if you read this entire post i'm extremely grateful.

What are your experiences with work when you know that you're really working for nothing because you plan to ctb soon?

Hi there, new to this website and let me tell you!!! I know exactly how you feel. People talk to me about the future and goals and I don't feel anything. Once your mind is set on CTBing, there is little that can change your mindset.

 

[Celerity]

Same here. Same with doc appointments. I'm going through the motions on autopilot at this point.

 

[FinalDays]

Same here. Same with doc appointments. I'm going through the motions on autopilot at this point.

I stopped going to the doctor and things like that. I only step out of my house for groceries at this point, planning to CTB soon

 

[Celerity]

I stopped going to the doctor and things like that. I only step out of my house for groceries at this point, planning to CTB soon

I have a little while more to go (I think), so gotta make my remaining time comfortable.