Venting Working has made me more suicidal

[whatevs]

I am 31 yo and I live with my parents. I'm disabled, chronically ill. With great pains (and some encouraging passion impulses) I finished a programming course. Now I have a office job on a probationary period. Bosses press me and I hate it. I fucking hate managers at this point, bluntly telling you that they're evaluating you after giving some absurd task.

My family liked to think I was becoming more normal but dealing up close with the uglyness of human nature and particularly with hierarchies has made me feel more tired and despondent.

Thing is, I wasn't having a great time when I picked up programming. Doing nothing all day but watching conspiracy videos or uploading them when I wasn't masturbating, reading the likes of Arthur Schopenhauer or playing videogames. Lmao. Things were deteriorating either way.

It's probably all explained by my sleep disorder, which makes me chronically tired, humourless and scatter brained. You probably can't work in this state, but neither can you enjoy yourself in a leisurely life either, even if you were spared work.

 

[jodes2]

Sorry you're struggling. I hope things get easier one way or another. Well done for completing your course and getting a job, that's one hell of an achievement

 

[whatevs]

What's more, because of my sleep disorder and conspiracy theorist beliefs I never genuinely mingled with people in the course, which were my source of socialization. I put on a front to make the transactions of knowledge and cooperation viable but I refused their invitations to do sport with them or have dinners. How to explain to them that I have no life because I'm always tired, that I cannot drink because I already feel headachey and hung over or that I am a virgin because 10 years ago I injured my pelvic muscles and now feel nothing with ejaculation on top of being chronically tired and having no social circle?

 

[Pluto]

I find that working makes me suicidal as well, but then I feel much better as soon as I can sleep properly. What we're really talking about is being stuck at the very base of Maslow's pyramid, which most office types would struggle to relate to. Hopefully having the income offers some reprieve. I've dedicated almost all of my income over the years to setting myself up so I can work fewer and fewer days per week.

 

[whatevs]

I find that working makes me suicidal as well, but then I feel much better as soon as I can sleep properly. What we're really talking about is being stuck at the very base of Maslow's pyramid, which most office types would struggle to relate to. Hopefully having the income offers some reprieve. I've dedicated almost all of my income over the years to setting myself up so I can work fewer and fewer days per week.

Oh yeah, I'm dealing with something that eventually makes life impossible. I have a weird mix of a sheltered life where my mother makes most of meals and my hopeful father drives me to work but I'm lacking something as important as food or shelter: energy and wellbeing. Lacking health feels exactly like being in prison, the walls are invisible but they're as impenetrable...

It's hard to say what's more soul-crushing, waking up like I do to a day of dragging around or social isolation. Both sleep deprivation and isolation are used as torture methods, so...

 

[theboy]

Do you think you would feel better if you had sex?
The situation you are going through is very difficult. I hope you can find light in your life to get out of the house.

 

[GasMonkey]

Everybody hates working so I wouldn't be surprised if it increases suicidality in everybody.

I have been programming for 29 years (started at 9 and I'm 38 now) and I have a degree on Computer Science, it's not my job tho, it must be unpleasant to code a project you are not interested in.

It's probably all explained by my sleep disorder, which makes me chronically tired, humourless and scatter brained.

Sleep Apnea?

I'm disabled, chronically ill

I have no life because I'm always tired

I am a virgin because 10 years ago I injured my pelvic muscles and now feel nothing with ejaculation

Damn bro, you have balls to keep going on that situation.
I'm a virgin too.

 

[whatevs]

I have been programming for 29 years (started at 9 and I'm 38 now) and I have a degree on Computer Science, it's not my job tho, it must be unpleasant to code a project you are not interested in.

Damn bro, you have balls to keep going on that situation.
I'm a virgin too.

I don't have balls. I have a somewhat caring family that's already struggling which I don't want to destroy. I also fear death and have no energy to procure easy methods. I would go to a place I know in the mountains and jump.

I still enjoy coding even for waste management (that's what the company does), it's dealing with the non-technical bosses and their hawkish attitude/chaotic commands what's worse, and secondly dealing with healthy normies which could probably never understand me.

I have my own coding project, if I didn't I doubt I would still be into it.

 

[chocolatebar]

It's a lose-lose game. We either join the roleplay and try to live life as a "normal" person and work everyday inside a structure made in a way to feed people's thirsty for power and we play the game, as if it had any meaning, or we live in the realization that everything is pointless and succumb to loneliness and deteriorate until we die.

it's dealing with the non-technical bosses and their hawkish attitude/chaotic commands what's worse, and secondly dealing with healthy normies which could probably never understand me.

you just described hell

 

[whatevs]

Do you think you would feel better if you had sex?
The situation you are going through is very difficult. I hope you can find light in your life to get out of the house.

Nah, only if I had a soulmate. Sex is secondary.