Work is the most triggering for my suicidal desire

[FinalVoid25]

I don't understand how the average human can just wake up every morning and perform all these stupid tasks called work, and it was ALWAYS like this, even in kindergarten they had to call my parents cause my autism was already so severe that I would just sit in some corner and refuse to participate in the stuff that we were told to do, because I didnt want to be there, I wanted to be free. Throughout school it got worse and worse with 8 years bullying and teachers screaming and even throwing stuff at me because they were frustrated that I refused to do tasks that I deemed unreasonable.

I had such a strong will to resist authority, I would rather stand in the corner for an hour as punishment every day than be forced to do some bullshit work. Because thats what school is, unpaid work. And when I became an adult it just went on and on like this and my mental health got worse and worse...I'm 22 now and out of school since I was 16, never had a job for more than a few weeks. I always break down and cant do the tasks properly and come home screaming and crying myself to sleep because of this horrible existence called life that everyone else around me seems to have no problem with and tells me is beautiful.

I know I should be ashamed to contribute nothing to society and to still live with my parents, but I just can't feel it. Something in my brain was always so different from everyone else and I dont know why, cause even most people with asperger autism have still some plans for their life and some goals, but I never had those. I don't have a desire for career, for expensives clothes, cars, travels, whatever...I don't want a relationship, I had sex a few times and that was also not all that exciting tbh...I have two people I can call friends, but that is also just the sort of friendship where I can talk about games or politics with them, I notice they dont really care about hearing my feelings and also cant relate at all so the contact with those two has become less and less in the last 6 months.

I feel like the only logical action would be for my existence to end. Because I don't display any socially acceptable type of human behaviour and don't contribute positively to society.

 

[TheHolySword]

I just kinda dissociate through each day. I show up and then suddenly it's time to go home. I'm more machine than human at this point. I don't really contribute to society, I just show up to it.

 

[lnlybnny]

I totally relate. I'm about to turn 30 and I contribute to nothing in society. I don't have any career dreams and don't have a life like society thinks it's acceptable. I'm an alien. I don't know what I'm doing here

 

[PrisonPlanet]

I'm just mad that I don't get paid enough to live in my own damn place away from my stupid abusive narcissist family. I probably would stop being suicidal if I just had a job that paid me enough to have my own place and a cute boyfriend to spend my time with. Those are the 3 things I want.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I find it weird that it's something the majority think you simply must accept but then, the majority probably aren't considering suicide as an option.

For some though- like me, the options are fewer. My parents likely couldn't support me, as well as them long-term now. They're retired. Plus, the shit they would give me for it would be worse I think than just conforming to all this crap.

I suppose I'm always curious about the actual 'intolerable' experience of working. The whole 'won't versus can't' thing I suppose. As in- how much suffering is considered 'normal'? I've known plenty of people cry because of work, at work even, become depressed, become injured, have terrific anxiety, panic attacks.

I doubt everyone working is doing it comfortably. I think for a fair few people though: 'I won't do that' isn't an option. Or rather, it becomes- 'Fine- don't do it and go destitute and hungry.' I don't think it's always free choice to work. It's a choice made under extreme duress because the alternative seems even worse in maybe many cases.

 

[danfritz]

You are on the front end of your working life. FWIW- Here's some perspective from someone on the back end. I'm 60, going to retire in 1-2 years. My fear now is what the hell do I do for the next 20-30 years? I look back over the last 40 years and ask- really, that's all I did? Some little cog in a big machine…

What was the point? What's the point of the next 30 years? Going out to eat, come home and watch TV, go to bed, rinse and repeat?

Don Henley from the song "The Heart of the Matter"- "The more I know, the less I understand ". Truer words have not been spoken.

 

[3rdworldsadness]

For when I know I will be a failure... when I try hard and nobody cares.