Women don't want having to act like the mom of their boyfriend

[noname223]

I think my crush in my self-help group said that. She felt like the mom of her ex-boyfriend in her last relationship and she does not want that again. I suspect this is the reason why she was not interested in me. Or maybe because I am a big bad red flag.

I had a pretty good phone call with the woman I date from a dating app. We talked about meeting each other at her home. I am a little bit scared I could become really manic in case we get intimate. Moreover, I am pretty dependent on my mom and I am very scared that she will find that out. I will still hide it for some time. I think I could tend to be dependent on my partner. But I will try to avoid it as good as possible.

Do women in this forum agree with this statement? Does this apply to most women?

 

[GuessWhosBack]

Do women in this forum agree with this statement? Does this apply to most women?

Not a woman, but yeah it makes sense that it would be the general consensus. In general, man or woman, being dependent on your partner will put you at risk of putting up with abusive behaviour with seemingly less chance of escape. This is of course not ideal.

You can start getting over this by practicing independence while living with your mother. Cooking, cleaning, laundry - if you don't do these yourself, start now. Also I don't know your financial situation or whether you live with your mother (rather than just depend) or by yourself, but if you have the option to live by yourself, try it out.

 

[Necrosis]

This applies to most women. Nobody wants to be the parents of their partner. It's good you are self aware of your dependencies. I'd just focus on practicing independence if I were you. Emotionally and day-to-day.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I feel like the answer is obvious and this thread is unnecessary.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

Yes, totally. In a previous relationship I was the mother of my boyfriend. Got to a point where I would get sad because of something he did and he would be so upset that I had to comfort him.

Having a boyfriend that acts like a child is a romance killer.

Just to note: a man being sad, angry, etc and needing some love and care is completely normal. Men are people, they're not strong all the time. The problem lies when a man isn't independent and expects his girlfriend to act like a mother figure by expecting her to do everything for him.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Ordinarily this is true but as long as you say "please mommy" with the whole face, she'll dig it.

 

[Tesha]

Absolutely most women don't want to be put in this position, but a few do.

Men also shouldn't be in a position to be like a father to their girlfriend. But.. for some reason that seems more socially acceptable (in western worlds at least).

 

[Makoto]

Just to note: a man being sad, angry, etc and needing some love and care is completely normal. Men are people, they're not strong all the time. The problem lies when a man isn't independent and expects his girlfriend to act like a mother figure by expecting her to do everything for him.

I couldn't have said it better... you may be Brad Pitt, but an irresponsible and immature man worth very little to most women.

Men also shouldn't be in a position to be like a father to their girlfriend. But.. for some reason that seems more socially acceptable (in western worlds at least).

maybe in teenage relationships... You are not going to see two adults fall for that, whether they are men or women

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Men also shouldn't be in a position to be like a father to their girlfriend. But.. for some reason that seems more socially acceptable (in western worlds at least).

I would say it's less so that it's socially acceptable and more that it just doesn't happen as often. Women are usually expected to take one the emotional labour and most, if not all, of the housework in a relationship. Hence why things, such as situations involving weaponized incompetence, seem to impact women more than men. Relationships, especially marriages, still involve an unequal distribution of work, in which women are still expected to take on most of the tasks along with having a job.

 

[pain6batch9]

I get where she's coming from. Forget about sex for a moment, in the context of one partner becoming a parental figure. The relationship is doomed to fail, because deep down, nobody wants to sleep with their 'children' psychologically speaking.

I've been in a relationship where the other person was emotionally immature. (I'm obviously not saying this is you in your case.) But in the end I wasn't prepared to be this woman's father any more. Not at the same time as her lover. Had to check out of that one.

 

[Tesha]

I would say it's less so that it's socially acceptable and more that it just doesn't happen as often.

maybe in teenage relationships... You are not going to see two adults fall for that, whether they are men or women

Don't you think the stereotypical 'protector of the defenceless woman' and 'wage earner' still exists nowadays then?

It may be a generational thing, so I'm genuinely interested in your response.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Don't you think the stereotypical 'protector of the defenceless woman' and 'wage earner' still exists nowadays then?

It may be a generational thing, so I'm genuinely interested in your response.

The stereotypical "protector of defenceless women" never existed. When looking at traditional relationships, women generally had to deal with most of the housework, childcare, and emotional labour. They basically functioned as a mommy their husband could fuck whenever they wanted to. A lot of poorer women would also have to get a job on top of all of that.

A lot of these "protectors of defenceless women" were usually toxic and sometimes even abusive. Hence why you have so many stories from older women about the abuse, grooming, stress, and toxicity they had to deal with throughout their marriage. That's also why you'll notice that a lot of the men today who are advocating for more traditional relationships revolving around the "protector of defenceless women" are usually misogynistic. Hence why we are seeing a push for a more equal distribution of housework and childcare and why a lot of women today are starting to heighten their standards a bit.

 

[Tesha]

@EvisceratedJester . Thank you for your considered response. I think there possibly is a generational aspect then, as it was very much that women weren't able to work and have children at the same time - which is where your point on misogynistic views comes in.

For what it's worth, I think we're certainly moving in the right direction. Well, some of us anyway…

 

[Makoto]

Don't you think the stereotypical 'protector of the defenceless woman' and 'wage earner' still exists nowadays then?

It may be a generational thing, so I'm genuinely interested in your response.

You are confusing certain elements of the pink romance with a parent/child interaction... They have nothing to do with each other.

 

[Tesha]

You are confusing certain elements of the pink romance with a parent/child interaction... They have nothing to do with each other.

You may well have a point. But as some who is slightly older, it 'was' viewed as the male of the family being the protector and provider, much like a father figure; rather than a romantic element.

 

[Makoto]

The stereotypical "protector of defenceless women" never existed. When looking at traditional relationships, women generally had to deal with most of the housework, childcare, and emotional labour. They basically functioned as a mommy their husband could fuck whenever they wanted to. A lot of poorer women would also have to get a job on top of all of that.

A lot of these "protectors of defenceless women" were usually toxic and sometimes even abusive. Hence why you have so many stories from older women about the abuse, grooming, stress, and toxicity they had to deal with throughout their marriage. That's also why you'll notice that a lot of the men today who are advocating for more traditional relationships revolving around the "protector of defenceless women" are usually misogynistic. Hence why we are seeing a push for a more equal distribution of housework and childcare and why a lot of women today are starting to heighten their standards a bit.

Donald trump, make America great again!!

You may well have a point. But as some who is slightly older, it 'was' viewed as the male of the family being the protector and provider, much like a father figure; rather than a romantic element.

Children are capricious, selfish, defiant... have you seen an adult couple in which the man punishes his wife because she doesn't want to go to the doctor or eat the food?.

It is one thing to provide for the house (as normal, as a man it is your duty), and another thing is the parent/child interaction.... but I understand what you mean

In fact, it's funny... since one of your responsibility as a father towards your child is to make him/her independent.

 

[Chili]

As a woman, yeah. Relying on your mom if there's an economic crisis (or now) is understandable but I do want to date someone who can ALSO take care of themselves. I don't want to be the only one cooking, cleaning, working, etc. Obviously you should casually work in the fact that you are dependent of your mom, I wouldn't hide it. Lying by omission is probably worse, and she may not care at all

 

[CatLvr]

OMG, don't even get me started!

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Damn, Freud must be rolling in his grave now.