Wish there were detailed CTB success stories which included people's thoughts/emotions

[lululoo]

I am trying to work myself up to CTB very soon. But I am in extreme mental torment. It's not because I want to live. It's just because I am so debilitated of a person. My depression and anxiety have gotten so bad that I feel completely incompetent and and fearful about EVERYTHING, including CTB. Living is hell and dying is hell. I just want to go, with some degree of peace.

When I was 14 and first thought of suicide, I didn't have this fear. Even in my 20s I didn't. Now I've lived too long and my mental state has gotten so bad that even this final act has become so difficult.

I wish I knew if there were people in this state of mind who did successfully CTB. I wish I could read their stories and know I am not alone. Know that I can push through all these emotions and free myself from this hellish existence.

A few days ago I watched this guy's lectures on suicide and it helped a little. Just looking at it rationally, it makes it simpler. . (This is a philosophy lecture from Yale. I recommend it if you're into philosophy and don't mind that the guy talks a little too much).

I have had some moments of confidence, or peace. But there is so much turmoil mixed in. I'm crying a lot. I wish I wasn't alone with this.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

I think it's almost impossible to commit suicide without any mental anguish at all. Even with my brain as broken as it is I'm still extremely upset about having to leave my dog behind and I don't think there's any way to completely die in peace since we don't know what's on the other side. All of us would've liked to have lived happy lives but that isn't always possible; maybe reminding yourself why you want to free yourself from this place will help you come to terms with ending your life.

 

[lululoo]

I think it's almost impossible to commit suicide without any mental anguish at all. Even with my brain as broken as it is I'm still extremely upset about having to leave my dog behind and I don't think there's any way to completely die in peace since we don't know what's on the other side. All of us would've liked to have lived happy lives but that isn't always possible; maybe reminding yourself why you want to free yourself from this place will help you come to terms with ending your life.

Thank you so much, that helps.
Actually since I wrote the past I am a little more calm. I think the panic/fright/despair comes in waves. I mean I am still sad and scared but it is lower level. I hope when the time comes to CTB I can keep it at a low level. Or low enough to act.

 

[Notwinnernotawin]

I'd turn around, open my arms and think "finally freedom"

 

[lostangel]

Well, there are a few documented ''last words'' of people who died by SN. I can't remember the titles of these threads but it was about member's who drank SN and were detailing their final thoughts.

But I see what you mean. It would be nice to know someone who was in some position of us and how there were able to free themselves.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

The most frustrating thing about suicide from me is that you can't learn from other people's successes. You can pick up on things that caused failure, but nobody who ever got it right will ever be able to tell us about it.

 

[NotGonnaLast]

Look at some of the threads people who are going to CTB have made

 

[Saed]

The most frustrating thing about suicide from me is that you can't learn from other people's successes. You can pick up on things that caused failure, but nobody who ever got it right will ever be able to tell us about it.

Yet,even if you follow what they did to the letter,your physiology is different,and there's no guarentee with anything.
Look at the SN documented successes thread.
So many variables in protocols.
All we can do is give it our best shot,but thinking about the number of times I should have been dead,considering what I've done,I am inclined to think "If your number is up,it's up" or that other old cliche "It's not your time".