Venting Wish I was more suicidal

[rizleechboy]

I've made around 3 very serious plans since I was 14, but some other plans as well. Never actually attempted. I've always wanted myself to become actually suicidal enough to try but it never happens. Right now, the doomsday clock is around March, in a month or two. I think I was only ever There once, but people found out about the plan and I never even got to try. I don't care about anything really. I don't care about anything and nothing feels good. I still always do all my classwork. I always do what I'm supposed to do. It's so boring. I want something to happen, that will push me to it. I want there to be a sign or shift or some change where I know I have to kill myself.

Another issue is now I only really have ODing on benzos and alcohol + slitting wrists as a method, and I'm very aware that it is unreliable. This leads me to be really scared of trying because I might just get hospitalized, which would also tank my grades as well. Maybe I can plan to do it at the beginning of spring break and hope that if I get hospitalized it won't interfere with my class schedule. Or I do it before the withdrawal with refunds date in the beginning of February so my parents can get their money back on the classes and I don't get bad grades.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

What's significant about March?

What do you think is behind these feelings?

If you end up hospitalized, it will fuck with your classes.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

How suicidal you are has nothing to do with whether you attempt or not. Attempting is hard. There are a lot of very suicidal people who have never attempted before because of their SI. There are also a lot of suicidal people who do attempt but then stop midway through and sometimes even call 911. I've had episodes where my suicidal thoughts start to ramp up out of nowhere and become extremely intense and even then, I don't attempt.

Attempting and succeeding is hard and whether you do it or not has nothing to do with how suicidal you are.

Also, even if you attempt around March Break there is still a chance that it may mess with your grades. Even if your hospital stay ends before the end of the break, you likely won't be feeling great and that will probably end up affecting your grades. That's what happened to me when I was younger. It's better to wait until you have a longer break period.

 

[rizleechboy]

What's significant about March?

What do you think is behind these feelings?

If you end up hospitalized, it will fuck with your classes.

I don't really have the will to kill myself at the moment, I think I might have that will by March. March is also when spring break is so I miss less classes if I get hospitalized.

 

[thetruetato]

I've made around 3 very serious plans since I was 14, but some other plans as well. Never actually attempted. I've always wanted myself to become actually suicidal enough to try but it never happens. Right now, the doomsday clock is around March, in a month or two. I think I was only ever There once, but people found out about the plan and I never even got to try. I don't care about anything really. I don't care about anything and nothing feels good. I still always do all my classwork. I always do what I'm supposed to do. It's so boring. I want something to happen, that will push me to it. I want there to be a sign or shift or some change where I know I have to kill myself.

Another issue is now I only really have ODing on benzos and alcohol + slitting wrists as a method, and I'm very aware that it is unreliable. This leads me to be really scared of trying because I might just get hospitalized, which would also tank my grades as well. Maybe I can plan to do it at the beginning of spring break and hope that if I get hospitalized it won't interfere with my class schedule. Or I do it before the withdrawal with refunds date in the beginning of February so my parents can get their money back on the classes and I don't get bad grades.

I'm relatively suicidal but whenever I'm right about to kick the chair over I can't make myself do it. I'm kind of in a depression equilibrium where I feel as much mental pain as possible but don't have the willpower to end it. I kind of wish I were depressed to the point that survival instinct wasn't a problem. I'm probably going to successfully hang myself eventually but until then I suffer. It's sad how humans can naturally become depressed and want to die but also have a neurological mechanism that stops them from finally putting an end to the suffering. If you ever get to the point where you are able to and actually do it, then hopefully you can finally be at peace from everything.

 

[rizleechboy]

How suicidal you are has nothing to do with whether you attempt or not. Attempting is hard. There are a lot of very suicidal people who have never attempted before because of their SI. There are also a lot of suicidal people who do attempt but then stop midway through and sometimes even call 911. I've had episodes where my suicidal thoughts start to ramp up out of nowhere and become extremely intense and even then, I don't attempt.

Attempting and succeeding is hard and whether you do it or not has nothing to do with how suicidal you are.

Also, even if you attempt around March Break there is still a chance that it may mess with your grades. Even if your hospital stay ends before the end of the break, you likely won't be feeling great and that will probably end up affecting your grades. That's what happened to me when I was younger. It's better to wait until you have a longer break period.

I wish there was some method that was exactly all or nothing, and I would try it and take my 50/50 chance

 

[DragonWingsOnFire]

i understand you too a point, i wish too i was more suicidal, but insteed of being suicidal all i am is hungry for revenges. I am so mad i dream about revenges. But its too late for me, so now i just suffer for nothing. What a great life i got.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I wish there was some method that was exactly all or nothing, and I would try it and take my 50/50 chance

There are some methods that are all or nothing or, at the very least, have a very high success rate. The main issue is that they are either hard access and/or you could potentially risk having to suffer from severe consequences in the very small chance that you do survive.

 

[rizleechboy]

There are some methods that are all or nothing or, at the very least, have a very high success rate. The main issue is that they are either hard access and/or you could potentially risk having to suffer from severe consequences in the very small chance that you do survive.

I don't think it's all or *nothing* if there's severe consequences. I want it to be either I die or I'm fine

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I don't think it's all or *nothing* if there's severe consequences. I want it to be either I die or I'm fine

I said that there are some methods that are all or nothing or, at the very least have a high success rate. The point about the potnetial consequences are in reference to methods with a high success but are not "all or nothing".