Venting Wish I was alone

[freevoid]

Probably most people here feel the opposite, but I wish I was alone. I wish I had no family so i could just go and CTB in peace now. We're not even that close but I live with my parents, and they and my siblings are all very, "normy" for lack of a better word. They don't know the sheer exhausting grind of chronic illness, so they have the energy to buy into all the societal programming of "get married, make babies, slave at job, life is good!1!".

I barely speak to my siblings. And to my parents as well even though we live under the same roof. None of them are bad people. They "love" me in that shallow, performative way most regular people do. They don't know me and any attempts to make that happen have been for naught. We have nothing in common and we're not close. Or atleast, my idea of close which is not "make meaningless small talk for a few hours, a dozen times a year."

When I die undoubtedly they'll wail and cry and be torn up and heartbroken and say dumb shit like she should have tried harder, tried some more avenues/treatments, I would have helped her, her life was worth living (all of these have already been said to my face anyway). The hyprocisy fucking irritates me. And what they're saying with that is "I wish this person who I supposedly love would exist in suffering and hell because muh feelings and muh programming". Fuck off.

These feelings may be a bit ungrateful, I know, because my parents are letting me stay under their roof while I waste away from my illnesses and do care about me in that base practical way. But also, I feel like that's the bare minimum to do when you bring a child into the world, so, I'm not exactly gonna hand them a cookie for that either. Like oh, you didn't kick your chronically ill daughter who you gifted your shitty genetics to the streets for not being able to work in 5 years and contribute to the house bills/greater society. Best parents of the year award! Honestly, I wish they were shit and I wish they'd kick me out - I'd go drink that SN in my car tomorrow.

I'm just so tired, and feel so trapped. I want to go already but have to wait because of them. Bleh. Shit day.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

The only thing I can say is I'm as alone as anyone could possible ever be. My entire family has died and I have no friends. There is NOTHING good about that. The only people I ever get to say a couple words to are store clerks and people I call inquiring about something, like auto parts stores and the like. It sucks man.

 

[SarRy]

It is a special hell to be reliant on others and yet feel no love. To be loved, but not liked. Maybe, some sense of purpose can be found outside of the socially prescribed pathway. There is some freedom in not having to regard the feelings and concerns of others. There can be loneliness if the help of others is needed and no companions are to be found.

I hope you find peace.

 

[Rogue Proxy]

Your feelings are neither wrong nor ungrateful. Life is never a gift considering that real gifts are never forced onto the receiver, no organism chooses their existence, and all breeders are motivated solely by their selfish desires. Plus, those breeders clearly aren't lifting a finger to understand or support you.

It's also perfectly acceptable to desire solitude, especially when surrounded by toxic and/or hollow humans. Personally, I've always thrived best in solitude.

I hope you are able to escape from this misery.

 

[seewell]

I have a lot of these same feelings. I have cut contact with most of my friends at this point hoping they will just forget me. I regularly have the thought that if my family actually cared and loved me while I was growing up, I wouldn't be feeling like this every day. The thought of them saying "I loved him so much" once I'm gone just makes me angry.

 

[universe]

You have transcribed very accurately what I think and observe of family love, which is often very superficial. Parents love their child on principle, but in some cases do not know him at all. Yet they are convinced to know him and will not hesitate to see their world crumble in the event of the death of their offspring. Of course in my case, that doesn't prevent them from being toxic.

I wish you peace

 

[IfyouareamanWinston]

I wish I never married my husband. It would have been a kinder thing then to put him through this.

 

[almaranthine]

I relate to a lot of your sentiments, especially regarding what family members will say/how they will react should you suddenly pass away. I have a few family members left that I imagine would react similarly. I've never felt understood or genuinely liked by my family. My mother goes through phases of "loving" me dearly and throwing me away/cursing my name. I feel like she only reconnects with me because she is lonely, doesn't speak to family, has no friends etc. She would wholeheartedly say, "her life was worth living!" upon my death despite being a witness to the train wreck my life has been and at times, making it significantly worse. I struggle to finalize my plans because of her, while also feeling guilty about how my two uncles would be affected after offering me financial support so many times in my life. Idk, at the same time, I sure as fuck don't want to be the last one left on this earth either... having to be the one to deal with *their* deaths as there is no one else left but me to handle those things.

 

[Summer Child]

I'd rather know I'm alone than have ambiguity. Ambiguity just gives you hope.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's understandable wishing to be alone. Other people cannot ever really understand as they cannot experience life the same way, as humans we are all trapped with our own thoughts. But other people can often just make things worse and create more suffering than there already is. After all humans can be very selfish.