Venting wish i had CTB when i planned to.

[followingfate]

I don't understand why I'm so miserable. I'm in a physically good place right now. I have a partner that I live with, even if I'm not very happy with the relationship. I have pets that I've wanted, I have tons of plants that make me happy, I have the time to even work on hobbies. yet every night at work, every spare minute to myself is spent thinking of how much I want to die.
I chose to run away from home to live with my partner, and I do not regret that decision in the slightest. but my other choice was going to be to CTB, and honestly, I wish I had done that instead. I would've saved everyone a lot of time, stress, money, and so on. I'm just selfish. I made everyone suffer just to end up back where I was; miserable.
I just wish I had the courage now. I have SN again. I even have a plan in place. I just don't have the courage. but I'm so sad...
the years and years of sadness weigh on my soul and my past traumas replay in my mind everyday. I'm just so, unbelievably tired.

 

[nowayout*]

I don't understand why I'm so miserable. I'm in a physically good place right now. I have a partner that I live with, even if I'm not very happy with the relationship. I have pets that I've wanted, I have tons of plants that make me happy, I have the time to even work on hobbies. yet every night at work, every spare minute to myself is spent thinking of how much I want to die.
I chose to run away from home to live with my partner, and I do not regret that decision in the slightest. but my other choice was going to be to CTB, and honestly, I wish I had done that instead. I would've saved everyone a lot of time, stress, money, and so on. I'm just selfish. I made everyone suffer just to end up back where I was; miserable.
I just wish I had the courage now. I have SN again. I even have a plan in place. I just don't have the courage. but I'm so sad...
the years and years of sadness weigh on my soul and my past traumas replay in my mind everyday. I'm just so, unbelievably tired.

Yeah I wish I'd had done it when I originally planned. Everything got better for a little bit now it's all back to shit and anxiety. This is a miserable roller coaster I'm stuck on and can't seem to jump off.

 

[ItHurtsSoMuch]

I have a date planned, have had it planned for a while, but there are some circumstances have changed, and I don't want to mess up anything for others that I love . It's a hard decision. I know how much my death could benefit those I really love, much more than my life does. I understand what you mean when you say you don't understand why you're miserable. No one knows I am. I have what most would call a nice life, but I'm alone unless someone needs me for something. I think there are people that would miss the idea of me initially, because they don't see me to miss the real me, but eventually would be happier once I'm gone.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand being so tired, the kind of tiredness that I feel is one that no amount of sleep could ever take away. Living can be very painful and depressing and it hurts me being alive. I hope that you find relief from your suffering in whatever happens.

 

[greyhound]

Yeah I wish I had gone through with it earlier this year. Had N, had a hotel room booked in Jan. But I got scared, gave away the N and tried to go into 'recovery'. Fast forward to now I just wish I had gone through with it. Courage is in short supply for me.

 

[ItHurtsSoMuch]

It's very hard to explain sometimes. It's not that I want to die. It's that I just don't want to live anymore. The hardest thing for me is that I've never been anyone's priority. I've never been the one that someone else put first, not even me. And if I CTB, then I will be putting myself first, because I'm the one who really wants this. But I know it will be better for everyone else too.