Wish I had a normal fucking life

[Zoltiel]

That is all I ever wanted. Just to grow up in one place, with the same people. To have a place that I can call home. To develop normal social skills. To not have parents that get off on mentally torturing their kids. To not have parents that want you to sit in your room all fucking day studying until insanity so you can go make lots of fucking money. To not have parents who abandon their entire family for pointless material shit like money. The love of money has ruined my entire life, all decisions to make more money were made with complete disregard for my well being, like I'm some kind of fucking robot who does not need any social interaction or love. Like I'm some kind of cattle and my only purpose is to make money. I remember sitting at the dinner table eating and my mom "helping" my younger brother learn math when he was like 8, and when he would fuck up she would yell like a devil and call him an idiot until he cried. Now that he's in high school he has serious self esteem issues, and can't talk to girls, and my mom acts all clueless like "how did that happen?" One time my dad came into my room and showed me the newspaper article about some kid who's got a high GPA and plays sports, and asked me "why can't you be more like this kid?" God I do not want anyone to ever have to endure this shit. I had dreams of starting my own family one day, and actually having a relationship with my kids and putting an effort into making sure they grow into normal functioning adults. But now I understand that will never happen because the damage done to me is irreversible, I would have to reboot my whole brain and forget about everything that has happened to me before 18. Because of so much isolation I have experienced in my youth, my psyche has adapted to it and I get anxiety when I hang out with people for too long and I feel trapped and have to escape. Sorry I'm just venting, but thanks if you read all this.

 

[CURSED again]

no venting is good -- i had bad parents that made feel low self esteem and it took a few years after i left home to realize that it was not my fault - that the problem was with them

 

[Chronicillness]

I just wish to be healthy. Everything else seems trivial and frivolous to me.

 

[Pan]

I feel your pain deeply, friend, and blame parental abuse for my battle with low self esteem, which, unfortunately,
Is lifelong. To frightened to live, to frightened to die, but with a feeling that, at death, I will be reincarnated as myself yet again.
New research on the quantum level seems to suggest that out lives simply reboot at death and the cycle begins anew. You own yourself forever, I would like to believe.

 

[AintNoWayOut]

same, i've never asked for much, just to feel normal. but apparently i dont even deserve that. instead i deserve to be in pain and isolated according to how things turned out. life is bullshit.

 

[passenger27]

My psychiatrist asks me a lot "what is normal?" and it always makes me want to walk out of my session. I don't know exactly what "normal" is, but it's not me. If I was normal I wouldn't be seeing a shrink in the 1st place.

 

[Sensei]

I'm not normal and never will be. I've learned to embrace it and be proud of it. "Normal" simply means being close to the average and that's not very exciting in my book.

 

[Puddings]

I feel your pain deeply, friend, and blame parental abuse for my battle with low self esteem, which, unfortunately,
Is lifelong. To frightened to live, to frightened to die, but with a feeling that, at death, I will be reincarnated as myself yet again.

One of those sentences that you relate so much to, it punches you in the gut.

 

[Pan]

One of those sentences that you relate so much to, it punches you in the gut.

Exactly. And what a waste of time too! Essentially, I spent my own life desperately trying to win their love, or at least be content to be left alone. Neither was to be however; in the process I made bad choices based on bad models. And all of it for nothing! This is why the quantum method gives me cause for hope; it proposes that you are yourself forever, but not destined to necessarily make the same bad choices again and again..Perhaps the secret strength behind all of this enables me to equate death with freedom, an idea that might make others tremble with anxiety.