Venting Wish i could just die

[nzdarkshark]

Everyday I wake up and remember I hate existing. How I have a whole day before I can even seriously contemplate taking my life - as my home life is too hectic with family around that I can't try to ctb during the day.
How I wish I'd just had the courage and pushed myself to kms the night before, but I didn't because I was tired and scared.
I feel like every method I contemplate would just fall through - can't get drugs because I'm too young, can't jump because there's nothing high enough here, can't suspend myself as I can't even pass out in practice. Can't overdose because I don't have the right pills...
I just feel useless. Like I can't even get this right. Can't even die.
But I want to.
Everyday sitting alone in school watching people cluster around their friends. My only 'close' friend at the school is a few years younger than me, and has her own friends she hangs out with. My closest friend left school to work - and my other 'friends' are (if I'm being honest) more acquaintances.
Everyday telling myself 'this is it' and then I don't die that night. It's just a vicious cycle of pretending I'm fine, pretending I'm working for a future, pretending I'm not going to die.

I don't know what to do anymore. I want to die. I know I need to.
I was not meant for this world in this body for this long. It feels wrong - like I'm past my due date and everything's going to go downhill from here.

Maybe I'm venting. Maybe I'm just wishing someone would come to me and tell me what the fuck to do.
But I know not to expect people to; that's rude - plus we all have our own pain written into this site.
Not everyone can be helped.

 

[Schopenhauer]

Too many times I have felt as you describe. It's an awful feeling of powerlessness. It waxes and wanes, but never goes away. I hope to get my N soon, and face this feeling for the last time.

I wish I could help you, but I can't even help myself....

 

[nzdarkshark]

Too many times I have felt as you describe. It's an awful feeling of powerlessness. It waxes and wanes, but never goes away. I hope to get my N soon, and face this feeling for the last time.

I wish I could help you, but I can't even help myself....

I hope that if you receive your N and pass that everything goes smoothly.
This is the worst feeling - I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

And it's ok - you don't have to help. Just popping in was enough to make me feel less alone.

 

[my girl]

Everyday I wake up and remember I hate existing. How I have a whole day before I can even seriously contemplate taking my life - as my home life is too hectic with family around that I can't try to ctb during the day.
How I wish I'd just had the courage and pushed myself to kms the night before, but I didn't because I was tired and scared.
I feel like every method I contemplate would just fall through - can't get drugs because I'm too young, can't jump because there's nothing high enough here, can't suspend myself as I can't even pass out in practice. Can't overdose because I don't have the right pills...
I just feel useless. Like I can't even get this right. Can't even die.
But I want to.
Everyday sitting alone in school watching people cluster around their friends. My only 'close' friend at the school is a few years younger than me, and has her own friends she hangs out with. My closest friend left school to work - and my other 'friends' are (if I'm being honest) more acquaintances.
Everyday telling myself 'this is it' and then I don't die that night. It's just a vicious cycle of pretending I'm fine, pretending I'm working for a future, pretending I'm not going to die.

I don't know what to do anymore. I want to die. I know I need to.
I was not meant for this world in this body for this long. It feels wrong - like I'm past my due date and everything's going to go downhill from here.

Maybe I'm venting. Maybe I'm just wishing someone would come to me and tell me what the fuck to do.
But I know not to expect people to; that's rude - plus we all have our own pain written into this site.
Not everyone can be helped.

My 15 year old daughter took her life. It's been almost a year. I want to go be with her. I hate myself for not knowing and not helping her. I failed her. I came to this site because now I want to die. I don't know much about the rules on this site but I'm going to say this. Can I ask you to stay? I don't know you but it breaks my heart that you feel this way. Is there anything I can do to help you feel better? Please don't go.

 

[Revok]

I can relate to how you feel. The feeling of being trapped is terrible. For me it really helped to have a method ready. I'm not sure when I will use it, but just having it ready to go is quite liberating to me. Now I'm researching more to maybe have better options, but I have a fallback that I'm reasonably confident about and that's good.

My absolute favorite would just be having a cyanide capsule in my pocket, but I want to stay legal.

 

[nzdarkshark]

Maybe try to save money to travel to a place where there is a good spot to jump?

There aren't many places I could get to that are high enough that the impact would kill me; just break my bones. Plus I am terrified of heights so I don't think I could push myself to jump.

I can relate to how you feel. The feeling of being trapped is terrible. For me it really helped to have a method ready. I'm not sure when I will use it, but just having it ready to go is quite liberating to me. Now I'm researching more to maybe have better options, but I have a fallback that I'm reasonably confident about and that's good.

My absolute favorite would just be having a cyanide capsule in my pocket, but I want to stay legal.

Fair enough - I'd love to have a viable method in place but nothing seems to work for me. My best bet would be jumping into fast moving traffic but that could put others in danger and I want to hurt as least amount of people as possible.

 

[millefeui]

My 15 year old daughter took her life. It's been almost a year. I want to go be with her. I hate myself for not knowing and not helping her. I failed her. I came to this site because now I want to die. I don't know much about the rules on this site but I'm going to say this. Can I ask you to stay? I don't know you but it breaks my heart that you feel this way. Is there anything I can do to help you feel better? Please don't go.

First, I am deeply sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one hurts and it is not the kind of pain that goes away.

Don't blame yourself for the death of your daughter, unless you actively made her life worse by abusing or harassing her. I am not assuming anything here, okay? Just saying that unless you did bad things to her, there is no reason to blame yourself. To be fair, even if you did, it was ultimately your daughter's choice, so there would still be no point in blaming yourself.

I won't tell you to stop trying to "help" others because 1. I am in no place to tell others what to do or what not to do and 2. perhaps there are people here actively looking for help, but still... Keep in mind that for most of us here, there is no "helping" anymore. For some of us, being "helped" or "saved" was never possible, to begin with.

--

There is not much I can do or say to help you, nzdarkshark. It is tough to take your life when you are young, as many of the most reliable methods are sometimes out of your reach. I remember when I was 15 and started feeling suicidal (though I already thought a lot about death when I was younger than that) and I couldn't find anything to help me die. I felt lost and trapped. I can only hope you find some guidance, something that helps you achieve your goal, whatever might it be at the time.

 

[wanttodie]

me to

 

[Schopenhauer]

Fair enough - I'd love to have a viable method in place but nothing seems to work for me. My best bet would be jumping into fast moving traffic but that could put others in danger and I want to hurt as least amount of people as possible.

I know you are already against it, but it's good to reinforce the feeling. Don't. Do. This. Jumping in front of traffic will only endanger other people's lives (up to and including PTSD for drivers), and is likely to end in egregious failure, with you in a hospital branded as suicidal. No matter how despairing you feel, this isn't a method worth trying.

When I was young and lived with my parents, I felt trapped in a hellish life too. Most reliable methods are out of our reach. Society is paternalistic and irksome in general, thrice so for those deemed "underage".

Even as a well-off adult, I still have trouble procuring the means to a peaceful exit. Jumping through multiple hoops in order to purchase something that is available to dogs is absurd. I can have kids galore, without any sort of license, but taking my own life is off-limits.

 

[itsallover]

I can relate to what you're saying. I'm older than you but all these so called friends I have are really just acquaintances. I need that comfort of having a fallback method. I have been trapped in my apartment dealing with debilitating illness for over two years and my mind is starting to go on me. I wish I could do things over as I don't really want to die but a lot of us weren't meant for this life.

 

[nzdarkshark]

I know you are already against it, but it's good to reinforce the feeling. Don't. Do. This. Jumping in front of traffic will only endanger other people's lives (up to and including PTSD for drivers), and is likely to end in egregious failure, with you in a hospital branded as suicidal. No matter how despairing you feel, this isn't a method worth trying.

When I was young and lived with my parents, I felt trapped in a hellish life too. Most reliable methods are out of our reach. Society is paternalistic and irksome in general, thrice so for those deemed "underage".

Even as a well-off adult, I still have trouble procuring the means to a peaceful exit. Jumping through multiple hoops in order to purchase something that is available to dogs is absurd. I can have kids galore, without any sort of license, but taking my own life is off-limits.

I know - it's crazy how overpopulatimg our earth further is legal but trying to end our own suffering is frowned upon. It's unfair.

I don't want to endanger anyone else in my attempt.

 

[GeorgeEastman]

I can have kids galore, without any sort of license, but taking my own life is off-limits.

Worse yet, those same people line up to help push you off the damn ledge.

 

[my girl]

First, I am deeply sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one hurts and it is not the kind of pain that goes away.

Don't blame yourself for the death of your daughter, unless you actively made her life worse by abusing or harassing her. I am not assuming anything here, okay? Just saying that unless you did bad things to her, there is no reason to blame yourself. To be fair, even if you did, it was ultimately your daughter's choice, so there would still be no point in blaming yourself.

I won't tell you to stop trying to "help" others because 1. I am in no place to tell others what to do or what not to do and 2. perhaps there are people here actively looking for help, but still... Keep in mind that for most of us here, there is no "helping" anymore. For some of us, being "helped" or "saved" was never possible, to begin with.

--

There is not much I can do or say to help you, nzdarkshark. It is tough to take your life when you are young, as many of the most reliable methods are sometimes out of your reach. I remember when I was 15 and started feeling suicidal (though I already thought a lot about death when I was younger than that) and I couldn't find anything to help me die. I felt lost and trapped. I can only hope you find some guidance, something that helps you achieve your goal, whatever might it be at the time.

Thank you. I hope no one thinks I'm trying to switch this post to "all about me". I adored my daughter and thought she was too perfect to take her life. I was uneducated about suicide. Thought it couldn't possibly happen to my beautiful funny daughter. I was wrong. I hope we can all just find what can bring us peace.
This life is a cruel joke it seems.

 

[nzdarkshark]

This life is a cruel joke it seems.

Life is a cruel joke.
I'm sorry for your loss - I agree that losing someone close - especially someone you raised..I except that that would be extremely hard.
I hope we can all find what will bring us to peace too.

 

[Nephis]

@nzdarkshark I can't tell you how much i can relate to what you said here my life is almost too similar but the fact is i only have come to hate those people but that's just me also Life isn't a cruel joke it's a reality where you struggle in and where you are given a rope to hang on to but guess what? for some of us that rope quickly starts tearing away till only a sliver of it remains and we only end up falling into a pit of death once it breaks, the only thing i hope is that there is salvation at the bottom hopefully some new life that is much better than the one i led maybe this time i can be ignorant and air headed to all of the things i hate about this world.

 

[nzdarkshark]

@nzdarkshark I can't tell you how much i can relate to what you said here my life is almost too similar but the fact is i only have come to hate those people but that's just me also Life isn't a cruel joke it's a reality where you struggle in and where you are given a rope to hang on to but guess what? for some of us that rope quickly starts tearing away till only a sliver of it remains and we only end up falling into a pit of death once it breaks the only thing i hope is that there is salvation at the bottom hopefully some new life that is much better than the one i led maybe this time i can be ignorant and air headed to all of the things i hate about this world

I can't hate my family as I know they're trying at least. They just want to see me happy..
My friends...I honestly don't know. People would obviously be really sad if I died - this is a really small town where everyone knows everyone - but only a few select friends would probably lash out at the news of my death.

I just feel like this is the way things have to be.

 

[Nephis]

I can't hate my family as I know they're trying at least. They just want to see me happy..
My friends...I honestly don't know. People would obviously be really sad if I died - this is a really small town where everyone knows everyone - but only a few select friends would probably lash out at the news of my death.

Things simply are just the way they are for me it would most likely be the same

 

[Miss clefable]

My 15 year old daughter took her life. It's been almost a year. I want to go be with her. I hate myself for not knowing and not helping her. I failed her. I came to this site because now I want to die. I don't know much about the rules on this site but I'm going to say this. Can I ask you to stay? I don't know you but it breaks my heart that you feel this way. Is there anything I can do to help you feel better? Please don't go.

Hugs I'm so sorry

 

[nzdarkshark]

I feel really emotional.
Talking to my closest friend over Steam - laughing with him and talking to him like usual.
I wish I could tell him my plans. I wish I could talk to him until I go.
But he'd stop me from ctb.

I wish I could talk to my girlfriend one last time. I love her so much and my death will destroy her but....I can't keep living in this world...
She lives in the US though so different timezones..and she hasn't been online much due to her mom banning her from electronics.

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

Oh, I must recant some of my words from earlier, I was in a very bad mood and feel better now, though admittedly all that chicken and coffee and some dxm and a little reconciliation with someone I miss has helped. Such a sad place to be, I'm sorry <3

 

[nzdarkshark]

Oh, I must recant some of my words from earlier, I was in a very bad mood and feel better now, though admittedly all that chicken and coffee and some dxm and a little reconciliation with someone I miss has helped. Such a sad place to be, I'm sorry <3

It's ok - we all need to vent sometimes.

 

[Mr2005]

It would be nice if it were that easy

 

[nzdarkshark]

It would be nice if it were that easy

It seems like nothing in life is easy.

 

[AndyCurious]

It seems like nothing in life is easy.

I feel the same, it gets harder day by day now...

 

[nzdarkshark]

I feel the same, it gets harder day by day now...

It really does.
Coming to night time just telling myself that the next day I'll do it or I fall asleep before I can. Spending the next day regretting not doing it until it's night again...
Life is a twisted, unfair loop.

 

[AndyCurious]

It really does.
Coming to night time just telling myself that the next day I'll do it or I fall asleep before I can. Spending the next day regretting not doing it until it's night again...
Life is a twisted, unfair loop.

You got that right

 

[Miro]

Every time I wake up and see the sun, I get even more miserable.