wish i could ctb instead of talk to a surgeon

[amnotreal]

i have a really bad phobia of doctors and hospitals. i have an appointment with a consultation with a surgeon next Tuesday.
i am so afraid of being examined and it isn't rational it is a phobia
but it is gonna be a lot of examination to see if he thinks i need surgery and then a scary surgery maybe and i wish i could ctb instead. i dont even know if i should post this here or in recovery. i feel like i want to ctb but i dont want my kids to hurt from that. so i am gonna go do something i am terrified of. ctb seems not scary and doctors seem scary. when i talk to my regular doctor when i am like this he starts talking psych ward so like i have to hide it. my psychiatrist hears it and doesnt seem to think psych ward though cuz he wants me to get my physical health stuff figured out and see if i stop feeling i need to ctb.
that anxiety where you cant breath and the pain and fatigue where im not really living anyway i am laying in bed unable to focus my attention on anything in a state of limbo waiting for things to get worse or better and never being able to tell if they are getting worse or better. every time i think my health is better it all gets worse again.

 

[amnotreal]

i feel so guilty that every night i wish i wasn't a parent and could ctb

 

[Deleted member 1496]

when you meet with your surgeon, ask if there's any other patients you can talk to for information or support. while I was still in recovery at the hospital, my surgeon asked me to talk to another patient because she was very stressed about her upcoming surgery. i think it helped her. i don't know why more surgeons don't do this, if only for patients to meet someone else that has had the same surgery or to understand better in layman's terms what to expect. if there's no patients you can talk to in person, see if there's an online group or subreddit.

one thing I did like about being in the hospital is that I could take a break from monitoring my condition, trying to decide whether i needed to call my doctor or go to the ER, didn't have to worry about passing out (I live alone) since I was already in a hospital, didn't even have to worry about eating since they put me on feeding tubes. it was a small, little break. I hope everything goes okay for you.

 

[amnotreal]

if i get the surgery surgery then if I could be in the hospital longer like a day before and day after I think I would be less afraid. the car ride is going to be brutally painful and is about 3 or 4 hours each way.. i may stay in a hotel closer especially since he will need to examine me a few days after and make sure everything is healing right. the surgeon is kinda famous (not why i am going to him) so in the support groups I am in for endometriosis (What i worry I could have) I have gotten to hear about experiences with him. that has helped.

i think my husband and therapist moght both be calling my psychiatrist tomorrow because of how bady my pain and the thoughts are at night.

the doctor is gonna do ultrasounds not the on your tummy kind the inside kind to look at reproductive parts. i find them painful. he is going to do a full pelvic exam. i am really really not wanting that.. and then if he thinks I may have pelvic adhesions or endometriosis he will probably suggest surgery and want to set a date.

my husband and therapist are both calling my psychiatrist tomorrow and see if they can;'t help me get anxiety meds. i really need better meds.

i dont even know why i am afraid when i have lived with symptoms for 25 years and i am ok still. i guess i am afraid cuz they keep getting worse and worse and are impacting the ability to eat and use the bathroom in horrible ways.

 

[Jean Améry]

Perhaps a benzo to take the edge off would be in order. Other than that you'd think phobias would be field of expertise of your psychiatrist: if he's any good at all he should be able to help you with this. What has he done in this regard?

I wouldn't CTB solely out of fear. I do get the anxiety (a while ago I needed surgery and on the day it was scheduled I felt like I was walking towards my own execution) but like you said it's not rational so at the very least you should know what your options are and what the surgeon thinks in terms of prognosis.

Given the severity of the symptoms you describe it's clear you probably will need this surgery. If afterwards your quality of life hasn't improved you can still prepare for CTB if you want to.

The best of luck to you.

 

[EmptyArms]

when you meet with your surgeon, ask if there's any other patients you can talk to for information or support. while I was still in recovery at the hospital, my surgeon asked me to talk to another patient because she was very stressed about her upcoming surgery. i think it helped her. i don't know why more surgeons don't do this, if only for patients to meet someone else that has had the same surgery or to understand better in layman's terms what to expect. if there's no patients you can talk to in person, see if there's an online group or subreddit.

one thing I did like about being in the hospital is that I could take a break from monitoring my condition, trying to decide whether i needed to call my doctor or go to the ER, didn't have to worry about passing out (I live alone) since I was already in a hospital, didn't even have to worry about eating since they put me on feeding tubes. it was a small, little break. I hope everything goes okay for you.

What fantastic advice. Kind and practical. I think you should definitely think about doing this. Your surgeon may want to know what and who he is dealing with, not just your medical condition but your fears and phobia. You definitely wont be the first. I gave a friend who is a specialist dentist, treating people with dental phobias. Some people literally cant open their mouth for her to take a look, so this is a known thing. Sometimes just voicing it out loud removes some of its potency. If you feel like you might just clam up, or not be given enough time to get it all out before your exam perhaps writing your surgeon a detailed description of your thoughts and fears and send it to him in advance so he can reflect on it and think about how he can begin to treat you.
You are doing the right thing in discussing it. You dont need to kill yourself, things can be done to help you for sure. Hang in there.

 

[Deleted member 1496]

if i get the surgery surgery then if I could be in the hospital longer like a day before and day after I think I would be less afraid.

...

i dont even know why i am afraid when i have lived with symptoms for 25 years and i am ok still. i guess i am afraid cuz they keep getting worse and worse and are impacting the ability to eat and use the bathroom in horrible ways.

the potential diagnosis can be scary, but can the surgery in the hospital make things better?

for the car ride, ask your driver to check out at routes and traffic congestion and choose something that would make it easier for you to pass out during the ride. for me, i'd rather take non-commute hours on a longer interstate route than a shorter state roads route: less starting and stopping, less oncoming traffic, so the ride becomes easier to be bored and fall asleep during, especially if you're already ready to fall asleep or can take something that allows you to pass out for 4 hours. but the driver needs to be the opposite of this. :) hotel seems like a great idea.

 

[Quarky00]

i am so afraid of being examined and it isn't rational it is a phobia

I think it's somewhat rational, these things could be scary (have similar issues). A friend of mine, though she likes her doctors, has a paralyzing pathological fear of dying. She's not suicidal but actually said the same things: 'that anxiety where you cant breath', 'every time i think my health is better it all gets worse'.

The journey and procedure also sound excruciating. The fact you can't talk about your ctb wishes makes it more distressful. So I empathize. Others gave great advices, and there are probably things you can do to somehow "process" that medical fear, but I just had to say that I totally understand this.

 

[amnotreal]

What fantastic advice. Kind and practical. I think you should definitely think about doing this. Your surgeon may want to know what and who he is dealing with, not just your medical condition but your fears and phobia. You definitely wont be the first. I gave a friend who is a specialist dentist, treating people with dental phobias. Some people literally cant open their mouth for her to take a look, so this is a known thing. Sometimes just voicing it out loud removes some of its potency. If you feel like you might just clam up, or not be given enough time to get it all out before your exam perhaps writing your surgeon a detailed description of your thoughts and fears and send it to him in advance so he can reflect on it and think about how he can begin to treat you.
You are doing the right thing in discussing it. You dont need to kill yourself, things can be done to help you for sure. Hang in there.

my dentist specialises in phobias. i only been to him once a few years ago. i need to be healthier so i can go back. right now it be like a piece of cake to go to him vs what i have to do but i can open my mouth and stuff for them i just like avoid it way too much.
i gonna tell the surgeon a lot if he does the surgery. my therapist is also gonna have to talk to him and probably my psychiatrist since they have to figure out what meds are safe for me to take for the 2 weeks before a surgery.

this surgeon specializes in endometriosis and docgtor phobia is probably common witht hat cuz it usually takes 8 doctors and 7 to 10 years to get a correct diagnosis and it is all the doctors i been to so far not being able to diagnose me that has lead up to my phobia being so bad. it is a condition that probably has a lot of people phobic of doctors.

my psychiatrist said he will prescribe something for the exam i have next week. i wasn't gonna ctb but at night the urge is soo strong from fear. knowing i will have a benzo for the exam helps. i suspect he wont prescribe much benzo with other meds cuz he doesnt want me combine and ctb.
I have an underground psychedelic therapist I do some work with once in a while. because of how he works I can be very honest with him about ctb stuff and i was able to see him today. just for talk therapy nothing else. i have a regular therapist and psychiatrist. it is just that when i read about the work MAPS has been doing with mdma therapy i got hopeful and my regular therapist when he read about it felt it could really help me and he helped me find the underground therapist. he like a real trained therapist. but it weird and something i have to keep pretty secret and if i hadnt found him i would have ctb by now cuz iwas so close to it when i first went to him. i was so sick witht he ptsd and DID and he has saved me from how bad it was which helps me be able to go to a surgeon now and doctors for diagnosis.

but i saw him today and we were talking about ctb and how i would want a sky burial if it was an option and how if someday when my kids are all grown up i may ctb in part so i could have that and in part cuz of my feelings about how we all end and control and life. it was nice we laughed about how i could be so open with him about this but couldnt with other therapists. his dad ctb because of cancer. so he talked from the perspective of how that can be less traumatic for family cuz of saying goodbye and knowing how things happen and like he was supportive of someday ctb. and it comforts me when my pain is a 10 to think i can choose that when my kids are grownup and can understand why and everything.

then i had acupuncture which may have helped me some. i wish there was acupuncture closer to my home cuz when i did it really regularly it helped so much. my anxiety just gets so big late at night.