heisenberg
pile of skin and bones
- May 18, 2020
- 156
this past weekend i was really debating on ctb'ing. my boyfriend and roommate went out of town to a concert and i was home alone. i ended up not doing it because i decided i didn't want to ctb at our place. i'm not sure where i want to do it actually. the days leading up to it when i initially had my mind set out tho, i felt relief. i really don't think i was meant for living. part of my method (sn), i have street xans to go with it. i haven't tried this ever before, until today. i took one this morning to see how it would make me feel. i was sweaty and could feel my heart beating. but , i felt genuinely normal for once. i didn't feel anxious, or depressed, or anything. my brain was quiet too - something i've never experienced before. i didn't have any interrupting thoughts and i could actually focus. i had the energy and the drive !! to do things. as much i enjoy feeling this way, it made me realize just how not normal i actually am. i cry when i have to leave the house sometimes because i get so anxious. i wake up not wanting to live. but for the first time, i don't feel like that.
