jenny6391bubbles
a hikikomori waiting to catch the bus
- Mar 1, 2021
- 107
Before I start, I just hope to God my friend isn't on this website. If you are and you read this, I hope you don't ctb. I'll always be here for you. It doesn't matter if you cannot give me any gifts or anything of material value. I find fancy outings boring -- watching the sun set in a park with you is already enough.
So, to begin, I just watched Fallen Angels (1995) the other day and the ending perfectly describes the emotion or feeling I have with this one friend of mine.
It all started on the last day of the first semester, where I was extremely upset because my mother who had stage 4 cancer was having a temper tantrum (she gets overwhelmed easily and I get extremely guilty when I accidentally make her feel bad) along with someone I was supposed to meet later that evening not being able to meet me because he got the dates mixed up. I guess we're all human and we make mistakes, but it sure made me feel a little sad.
I then ask my friend if he would be drinking later tonight and he said yes. I decide to tag along because I want to forget the pain of how my mother has cancer and I don't know how long she has left. To sum up what happened, we got extremely drunk and I started crying to him about how my mother had cancer and how fucking sick I was of life. After I had stopped crying, he then decides to walk me home and in doing so, we hold hands as we walk home.
And I still cannot name the emotion that I felt as he walked me home, hand in hand. But the final quote in Fallen Angels is extremely relatable to me:
The previous year, a bunch of other guys who dated me held my hand. One rushed me into a relationship (so I broke it off) and the other was only being affectionate to feel the thrill of dating and also to make me feel comfortable enough to lower my guard to have sex with him (so I also cut him off). This friend was the third and final guy who held my hand last year and I felt so much peace and comfort holding his hand. And if I'm being honest, I feel this connection to him that's not exactly romantic but not platonic either. I don't really care about sexual connection anymore because I've been used and hurt so much in the past (a few of my previous posts talk about this).
I just want to hold his hand again, but I'm too scared to ask for it again. I'm scared other people will misinterpret it and also read into it too much. For some reason, a lot of people try to pursue him and want to date him. But when you really get to know him, he's barely surviving life (like me, in a way). Suitors get upset over how he seems detached and unresponsive at times, but how can you expect someone who barely has it together to prioritize dating and the like over just surviving life?
I've hung out with him a bit since then because I'll be graduating this year and I also want to hang out with him (along with other friends) before I leave university. To be honest, I want to hang out with him more the most because he apologized while drunk for not being able to hang out with me (and other friends) as much the past few years. I can't really get mad at him because a lot has been happening in his life.
I guess to end this post or confession, I just want us to have the comfort we desperately need in life because it's not exactly being nice to us right now. And since I'm a little lonely and selfish, I want to hold his hand again.
That's all, haha. Thanks for listening to me ramble. If any of you can name the emotion or emotions I feel, that would be very helpful.
So, to begin, I just watched Fallen Angels (1995) the other day and the ending perfectly describes the emotion or feeling I have with this one friend of mine.
It all started on the last day of the first semester, where I was extremely upset because my mother who had stage 4 cancer was having a temper tantrum (she gets overwhelmed easily and I get extremely guilty when I accidentally make her feel bad) along with someone I was supposed to meet later that evening not being able to meet me because he got the dates mixed up. I guess we're all human and we make mistakes, but it sure made me feel a little sad.
I then ask my friend if he would be drinking later tonight and he said yes. I decide to tag along because I want to forget the pain of how my mother has cancer and I don't know how long she has left. To sum up what happened, we got extremely drunk and I started crying to him about how my mother had cancer and how fucking sick I was of life. After I had stopped crying, he then decides to walk me home and in doing so, we hold hands as we walk home.
And I still cannot name the emotion that I felt as he walked me home, hand in hand. But the final quote in Fallen Angels is extremely relatable to me:
The previous year, a bunch of other guys who dated me held my hand. One rushed me into a relationship (so I broke it off) and the other was only being affectionate to feel the thrill of dating and also to make me feel comfortable enough to lower my guard to have sex with him (so I also cut him off). This friend was the third and final guy who held my hand last year and I felt so much peace and comfort holding his hand. And if I'm being honest, I feel this connection to him that's not exactly romantic but not platonic either. I don't really care about sexual connection anymore because I've been used and hurt so much in the past (a few of my previous posts talk about this).
I just want to hold his hand again, but I'm too scared to ask for it again. I'm scared other people will misinterpret it and also read into it too much. For some reason, a lot of people try to pursue him and want to date him. But when you really get to know him, he's barely surviving life (like me, in a way). Suitors get upset over how he seems detached and unresponsive at times, but how can you expect someone who barely has it together to prioritize dating and the like over just surviving life?
I've hung out with him a bit since then because I'll be graduating this year and I also want to hang out with him (along with other friends) before I leave university. To be honest, I want to hang out with him more the most because he apologized while drunk for not being able to hang out with me (and other friends) as much the past few years. I can't really get mad at him because a lot has been happening in his life.
I guess to end this post or confession, I just want us to have the comfort we desperately need in life because it's not exactly being nice to us right now. And since I'm a little lonely and selfish, I want to hold his hand again.
That's all, haha. Thanks for listening to me ramble. If any of you can name the emotion or emotions I feel, that would be very helpful.
